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“I was old enough,” she defended. “All my friends were having sex already.”
“Worst reason ever to have sex,” he retorted.
He was right about that. Even more so because she’d only had one close friend back then. And her cousin, Raine.
How about because I loved you?
Nope, not asking that question.
“It was the only way I knew to protect you,” he said quietly.
“Walking out of my life and not talking to me again was protecting me?”
“That was right after I’d graduated Special Forces training, you remember?”
She nodded, then quickly added, “Yes.”
“I was given one week of leave before I had to go back for my first mission. How could I be with you knowing I couldn’t make any promises about coming back? Out of respect for you, and your parents, your whole family, I had to walk away.”
“You could have explained that to me instead of yelling like you did.”
“I was angry, Shelby. At the situation—and at you. Offering yourself to me like you did was reckless and naïve, and right or wrong, I wanted to scare you, maybe even shame you, into not going to someone else. Apparently, that didn’t work.”
She frowned at his tight tone, until she remembered that day in her dad’s office when she’d purposely taunted him. Guilt prompted her to admit, “It did, actually.”
From the corner of her eye, she saw the shadow of his head roll toward her on his pillow.
“I lied when I said you were a practice run. I only wanted you.” That last came out as a whisper, and the following I still only want you was gulped back with a wave of nerves.
“It took every ounce of mental training I had to resist you that day.”
Hearing the sincerity in his voice, going over his words and why he’d rejected her, her hurt eased for the first time in years. “And all this time I thought it was that you didn’t want me.”
He gave a wry grunt and turned back toward the ceiling. “Nothing could be further from the truth. Then or now.”
Her pulse skipped at that last bit. “I’m sorry I was mad at you about it f
or so long. I’m sorry what I did drove you away and kept you out of my life for so long. I don’t want that to happen again.”
“I’m sorry, too,” he said. “For how I handled it, and for hurting you.”
She squeezed her eyes tight against the burn of tears as emotion swelled in her chest. It gently eased, giving way for an unexpected sense of peace. “You know how I didn’t want you to take this job at first?”
“Yeah.” There was a smile in his voice.
“I’m really glad you did. I trust you to keep me safe more than anyone else. And I’m not saying that to add pressure on you, I just want you to know, I’m glad it’s you who’s got my back.”
After a long moment of silence, suddenly his hand covered hers. She sucked in a breath as her heart fluttered high in her throat. He threaded his fingers with hers and then laid their joined hands in the space on the bed between them.
She heard his hard swallow, and the slightly shaky cadence of his breathing. His grip tightened briefly, but he didn’t say anything else or try to touch her in any other way. And for now, the unspoken thanks was more than enough to secure his place in her heart for the rest of her life.
Chapter 20
It was still dark the next morning when Dev eased out of bed at five a.m. and started a pot of coffee. Then he retrieved the folder from where he’d stashed it last night in a lower kitchen cupboard.
He’d reviewed about half of the letters with Reyes while waiting for Shelby to finish her extended shift yesterday, but he wanted to go over the rest—hopefully before she got up. And if she did, well, the death threats weren’t something he wanted her to see, but he wouldn’t keep them from her if she asked again.
Stirring a teaspoon of sugar into his coffee while standing at the counter, he slid the folder closer while recalling those moments in bed with Shelby the night before. He hadn’t outright lost it since losing Gonzales on a mission in Syria five years ago—not even last November when he’d realized his injury would end his career.
