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He goes still at my declaration.
Still and frozen.
His face is even more stunned and stricken than it was back when he witnessed Ledger asking me out on a date. And I think that maybe I can break free of him, now that I’ve shocked him with my truth.
A truth I wasn’t planning on telling him.
But you know what, fuck it.
Fuck him.
I don’t care. I just want to get away from him.
But when I go to push him again, he doesn’t budge.
He doesn’t go anywhere.
His body is like a mountain and his hold feels like forever.
“You love me,” he repeats, his eyes fierce, hair grazing the side of his cheeks.
I punch his chest again. “Yes.” Another punch and a push. “You fucking asshole.”
He digs his fingers in my hair. “Since when?”
“Since always,” I snap, staring into his beautiful, shocked face.
“Always.”
“Yes,” I bite out. “Since I met you that night and you stopped to help me. Since you inspired me. Since you came to St. Mary’s. I’ve loved you since forever. And you lied to me. You let me believe that you wanted someone else. For three whole weeks. For three whole weeks, you let me believe that my love was destined to suffer. That my love was doomed because the man I’m in love with wants to be with someone else. You —”
“Your love is doomed anyway,” he thunders then, finally coming out of his shock.
“What?”
His hands, which had moved down to my waist and the back of my neck in order to keep me safe when I was struggling, wake up now as well.
His fingers dig into my flesh tightly, like hooks, like thorns as he says, “You think I’m afraid to dream, yeah? To want things for myself. To wish for things. To walk into the fucking unknown. Yeah I was. At one time. I was afraid of the pain, the agony, the hurt of broken dreams. I didn’t want new goals. New ambitions. I didn’t want any of that. And yes I lied to you because of that. I pushed you away. I used the one thing that I knew you’d believe. Even though I haven’t wanted Helen for a long time now. I thought I did but… no. Not since you. But the reason I stayed away, for three whole weeks, despite every cell in my body screaming at me to confess the truth, is because I’m afraid for you.
“I’m afraid that I can’t give you the things that you deserve. I’m afraid that I don’t have anything to give you. And I don’t. This here, this is my life. This is all I’ve known, whether by choice or circumstance. This town, this job. And yes, I tried to shoot for the stars once and it didn’t pan out and it fucking hurt and I closed myself off, but that doesn’t even matter anymore. Fuck that. Fuck soccer. Fuck her. Fuck every single thing that I’ve ever wanted before you and failed to get. What matters is that I can’t afford to fail now, do you understand? I can’t afford to not have things pan out now. Because the stakes are too high. The stakes are you and I’d be damned if I failed you. I’d be damned if I dragged you down with me. I’d be damned if I kept you for my own selfish reasons when you’re meant to be out there, making art, living your life, living your dream. I’d be damned, Bronwyn, all right? I won’t do it. I can’t.”
He swallows, his eyes roving over my face frantically, urgently as he rasps, “You’re too important. You’re too fucking precious. You’re my… You’re my soft, fragile, velvet wallflower and I’d be damned if I crushed you with my rough hands and my thorn life when I have nothing to give you.”
When he finishes, I’m a wreck.
I’m a mess.
Of tears and breaths.
And love.
I’m a mess made of love for this man.
God.
God.
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with him?
Why can’t he see that he’s already given me so much? He’s already given me everything.
My hands, which were pushing him away only a few seconds earlier, latch onto him now. My thighs tighten around his hips and my fingers fist whatever they can find on his body, his t-shirt, his hair and pull him closer as I whisper, “But you already have. You already have given me so much, Conrad, don’t you see? You’ve given me everything. Without even asking. Without even saying a word. You’ve set me free. You’ve made me see myself, embrace myself not once but twice.
“And you did it because that’s who you are. Inspiring and wonderful and protective and strong. So you can’t fail. You can’t. Not with me. Because I love you for who you are. I’ve loved you for who you are. I’ve loved you even when I thought you loved someone else and I love you now when I know you love me back. I choose you for who you are. You’re the center of my universe. You’re my gravity. And all I want is you. Just you. The way you are. My thorn. My dream man.”
