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It can’t be.
Right?
No, it can’t. I can’t be in love with my best friend’s brother. That’s even worse than all the secrets that I’ve been keeping from Callie.
So much worse.
And on top of that, he’s a teacher here. A teacher.
I can’t be in love with a teacher. That’s like, no privileges till the end of time. Not that I care about privileges. But I can’t be that much of a rebel either. I can’t disregard rules so blatantly.
Plus he’s in love with someone else. That’s the worst kind of love: to be in love with someone who loves someone else.
Besides, God forbid if he ever found out.
That me — a teenager — is in love with him. A teenager who’s his sister’s age and his student.
He would kill me.
He already wants to half the time, so no.
I can’t be in love with him.
It would be a disaster. A tragedy. A catastrophe.
There’s so much working against me already and I can’t.
I can’t. I can’t.
I’m not.
My heart pounds in my chest and my palms turn clammy and just for good measure, I repeat, “I’m not… I can’t love him. I can’t. I absolutely cannot and —”
“Okay. Fine. That’s fine,” Salem cuts me off, trying to calm me down. “You don’t love him. My bad. But I do think I have a solution to the problem. In fact, I think you solved your own problem back there.”
I finally catch my breath then and ask, “What? How?”
She looks at Poe and they both give each other a look before Poe goes, “You want to kill his loneliness, right? You want to make him smile. You want to make him happy.”
“Yeah.”
She shrugs. “Well, there’s only one way to kill the loneliness.”
Salem nods. “Yup. And you guessed it.”
I think about it and then, “Stop it. No.”
“I mean, loneliness goes away when you have company, right? And you have company when you go on dates.”
“Exactly. You need to get him laid,” Poe insists.
Salem swats her arm. “That’s gross, Poe.”
“What, it’s the truth.”
Salem shakes her head and focuses on me. “Look, you want to make him happy, right? You want him to be chosen, to be the center of someone’s universe. Now it could be either you or some other girl. I did something similar with Arrow back then. And I decided that I wanted to be that girl for him. So now you need to decide. Who you want it to be.”
“Me,” I blurt out as soon as Salem finishes. “I want…”
It to be me.
I want to do it.
Despite all my protestations about love and all, I know in the center of my being that I want it to be me.
I want to be that girl.
For him.
Because I already am, aren’t I?
I already am that girl whose universe revolves around him. I already am the girl whose gravity is centered on him.
And isn’t it fair that I do this for him? Me and no one else.
He changed my life, my thorn. And so it’s only fair that I get to change his, his flower.
“You want what?” Salem asks.
“I want to be that girl,” I whisper, my heart thrashing in my chest. “For him.”
Salem smiles. “I know.”
I look at her. “But he thinks I’m just an annoying teenager. His sister’s best friend.”
“So it’s up to you then. To show him that you’re not,” Salem tells me. “It’s up to you to show him that you’re more than that.”
“Exactly,” Poe agrees. “Show Coach Thorne that teenager or not, his sister’s best friend or not, you’re going to rock his fucking world. Show him that you’re his dream girl.”
Dream girl.
My heart leaps and flies in my chest.
At the thought of being his dream girl.
But I can’t, can I?
He already has one.
Strangely, it’s okay in this moment though.
Because I know I can’t be his dream girl, but I can be the girl who chooses him.
I can be the girl, the artist, who fills his life with colors and joy. The girl who takes away his loneliness.
I’m not his dream girl, but I can be his consolation prize.
The weather has finally turned.
And St. Mary’s is a winter wonderland.
A wonderland made of pretty white snow. It covers the earth, the concrete buildings, the stone benches, the brick wall. The forest behind the school.
And even the soccer field that I’m standing on is white and snowy.
I’ve never been a fan of the snow.
It feels monochromatic. I like spring or fall better, when flowers are blooming or leaves are turning and it’s an explosion of colors.
Not today though.
I don’t think snow is monochromatic at all.
I think snow is wonderful.
And so is the man walking on it.
At first glance, it might look like he’s monochromatic as well. He has a black hoodie on, along with a pair of black workout pants. Plus a pair of black running shoes.
