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“Tell him to stop looking at me like that,” Sebastian said.
“Like what?” I asked.
“Stop that,” Kenzie said. “You’re giving him that look you give. Like you’re trying to read his brain.”
I turned to focus on Abigail, who was grunting and trying to chew her way through a brightly colored plastic ring. Little kids and puppies had way more in common than any new parent would ever admit. Maybe the bald, hairless little things weren’t all bad, after all.
“I met a woman, and I wanted to ask you two a question about… relationships.”
Kenzie had been somewhere between annoyed and bored ever since I arrived, but I felt her full focus snap into place with an almost audible click. She was on the edge of her lounger with her head slightly forward and her eyes widened. “You want to ask about relationships? Sebastian. Take Abigail and Minnie inside, please. This is important.”
“Gladly,” he said. He scooped up Abigail from my lap, planted a protective kiss on her head, then snapped for Minnie. The puppy jerked herself out of the bush. Her whole face was covered in dirt and a little torn up weed was somehow resting right on top of her head. She bounded toward him, shedding dirt and debris with every step.
“Tell me everything,” Kenzie said once they were all inside.
“Well,” I said. I spent a minute or two catching her up on the logistics of everything from my gentle coercion that led to dates number one and two all the way up to the kiss. “But the kiss felt different,” I said. “I can’t really explain it, except that I feel like I’ll be… bothered if this woman gets away.”
“You caught feelings,” she said simply.
“I’ve had feelings for women before. I’m not a robot.”
“Feelings aren’t black and white, doofus. They exist on a spectrum. This woman is making you feel more than you’re used to feeling. She’s getting through to you.”
“I’m a hundred percent emotionally available. I always have been. There’s nothing to get through to.”
Kenzie folded her arms and tilted her head, clearly unimpressed. “Everybody puts up walls around their feelings. Some people put up grumpy walls. Some people put up distant walls. You just put up a carefree wall. How do you think women feel when they’re with you?”
“Wonderful?” I guessed. “Orgasmic, in most cases. I’d say I am a highly attentive boyfriend, lover, and friend. One of the best,” I added, gaining confidence as I spoke.
“And did it occur to you that relationships go two ways? It’s great that you take care of people and think about them, but people want to feel the connection go both ways. They want to know you, too.”
“I’ve got nothing to hide.” I spread my arms, feeling a little frustration setting in. Why was my little sister being so difficult on this? I felt downright attacked.
“Being carefree is great, but if you’re carefree about your relationship with a woman, it means you don’t care. Do you get that?”
“I care about making them happy.”
Kenzie took a deep breath. “Right, and the reason you are so confused this time is because you feel strong enough about this one that you don’t want her to go, right? That means you care about yourself, too. You’re invested in the relationship, even if it’s just a little.”
“Why, though?”
“For someone smart, you can be really stupid. Do you realize that?”
“Yes. I had to read the directions for my microwave yesterday because the popcorn kept burning. Turns out—”
She held up her palm, silencing me. “Here’s what you do. You keep doing what you always do best. Make her happy. Make her feel good. But realize she makes you feel good, too.”
“Honestly, all she does is grouchily try to get me to leave her alone. I don’t know why she would make me feel good.”
“Clearly there’s something more.”
An image of the few smiles I’d coaxed from her popped into my head. I thought of the way it felt to put my arm around her and tell her mother we were an item. I remembered the red that grudgingly crept to her cheeks so many times when we spoke. “Okay,” I said. I got to my feet, rolling out my neck. “So let’s say I care about this woman and don’t want to let her go. Would you suppose it’s a step in the wrong direction to show up at her company tomorrow for an interview posing as a man named Barry Boulders?”
All Kenzie could do was put her palm to her face and groan.
11
ELIZABETH
The office was both my sanctuary and my warzone. Yes, all my anxiety, stress, and doubts stemmed from the things that happened here, but… I also craved this. I craved the opportunity to prove myself day in and day out. The upper ranks in the corporate world were bloodthirsty and dangerous. Climb far enough and it started to feel like you were half a politician and half an employee, but my mother had prepared me for all of it.
