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I open up my mouth to share my brilliant idea with my besties when Ashlowner turns back and says, "I can’t believe it – they’re closed!" I catch up to her and stare at the sign.
OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! it proudly proclaims in all caps. Right above a "Closed" sign.
Liars.
"Is that even legal?" Lisa asks huffing from exertion in my ear. We need to go to the gym more often. We’re ridiculously out of shape.
Ohhhh…I could probably find a cute guy to fuck at the gym! I haven’t tried that strategy. Plus, bonus points, I could run up the street and not get winded! A twofer!
Ashlow…
Ugh. Now I can’t even remember my nickname for Ashley. Dammit, it was such a good one!
Anyway, Ashley turns back and heads toward the nightclub again. I find myself trotting along behind her to try to keep up. The ground is so uneven here. I wish they’d pour smooth sidewalks. I’m going to break my neck if Ashley doesn’t slow down. I catch up to her just in time to see her pound on the front door of the club.
What is she doing? They’re closed. Even I know that, and I’m so drunk, I’m not entirely sure I know my middle name.
Do I have a middle name?
Tap, tap.
I jerk my head up, which sets the world to spinning, and try to focus my eyes on Ashley. "Yes?" I say, although it comes out sounding like "Yesssshhhh?" I’m not sure why. It’s almost like I’m drunk or something.
"The nightclub is closed," she says. "It’s four in the morning – I don’t know if we’re going to be able to find you a bathroom anywhere nearby."
Oh! Bathroom! Damn, do I have to go pee.
"I think I’m just gonna cop a squat right here and go pee," I announce to the group. I start hiking up my skirt, but Ashley grabs my arm and starts dragging me.
"Where are we going?" I ask her as we stumble along. Well, I stumble. I probably shouldn’t have had those last five tequila shots. Or eaten the worm, really.
"An alleyway. If you’re going to go pee in public, let’s at least do it in a semi-private alley."
Ohhhh…so smart. This is why Ashley is the Big Boss at Blush. She’s such a smartie. I should get her Smarties for her birthday.
Hmmmm…I wonder when her birthday is…
Lisa opens up her purse and starts rummaging around. "Let’s create a little landing pad for her to aim for."
I stare at her. It’s like she’s speaking English, but I don’t understand the words coming out of her mouth. She triumphantly pulls a wad of napkins out of her purse. "I knew these would come in handy someday," she says, waving them around. She starts laying them down on the asphalt.
"Oh, I see," Erica says, obviously as confused as I had been. She digs around in her purse and pulls out a feminine pad, spreading it on the ground too.
I stare down at my pile of pads and then back up at my friends. "I have to aim for that?" I ask. It seems a little…difficult. Intense. You know, something that I should be sober for or some shit.
"You’ll be fine," Ashley assures me. "We’ll stand right here and form a human shield for you." My three besties move and link arms together, a sight that has me super emotional.
"You guys are so nice!" I blubber. "I don’t know what I’d do without you."
"Well, for starters, you should go pee on that pile of napkins."
Oh! Right! I have to go pee real bad. I don’t know if I told you that or not yet, but damn, I have to go! I’m so glad that my friends made this pile of napkins for me.
I hike up my skirt and pull down my panties. I try to lower myself directly over the pile, but I tell you what, you try squatting over a pile of napkins, at four in the morning, drunk off your ass, while wearing stilettos and a pencil skirt, and we’ll see how well you do.
Let’s just say that this isn’t my finest hour.
Yeah, yeah, you can do better than me. Showoff.
