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"I know what you’re thinking," he says, offering me one weak smile. "But I guess I wasn’t really running away from you … I was running away from the truth."
"What truth…?"
"I want you, Clarise. Ever since I returned to the States, you’ve been the only thing brightening up my day. I didn’t mean to break my vows, but… sometimes a man has to follow his heart. That’s the truth."
"I’m glad you’re here," I tell him softly, not knowing what else to say. I still have my arms wrapped around him, and I close my eyes and lay my head against his chest. I stay there, in his embrace, for God knows how long. I feel his heartbeat, soft and steady, and I realize that all the lust and desire I feel toward Connor is growing into something else. Something powerful… Something over which I’ll have no control soon enough.
And you know what? It feels right.
"I should go…" I force myself to say, my heart weighed down by sorrow. "My parents will be home soon, and I guess it’s better I’m inside the house when they arrive…"
"I’ll walk you there," he tells me in a single breath, standing up and pulling me after him. We walk down the aisle in silence and, only when he reaches for the door and opens it, do I realize I'm holding hands with him. My transformation into sappy teenager is almost complete, I guess.
He only lets go of my hand when we step out of the chapel and, even though we walk up the road in silence, I feel closer to him than ever. More than just the sex, something happened inside the chapel… I broke through his defenses and I think that, somehow, I’ve showed him that he doesn’t need to be as stern and disciplined as his father to make him proud.
As good to me as Edward was, he was a true stoic. He seemed unphased by most things in life, and he followed what looked like a Spartan regimen. I don’t think that Connor knows it but, after the first few months with us, Edward changed his quarters without telling anyone; instead of sleeping in the guest house, he started sleeping in the smallest and coldest room we had available in the servants’ quarters.
Of course, I can’t say for sure what was going on inside Edward’s mind. In a way, though, I believe that it had to do with the death of his wife. The moment she passed away, something broke inside of him, and he denied himself the happiness he deserved.
I don’t want Connor to follow down that road.
"Well, we’re here," he says, and I realize that we’re already in front of the stairway leading up to the mansion.
"We’re here," I smile, and then look from side to side. Certain that there’s no one around, I go on tip-toes and brush my lips against his.
He kisses me back and, for a moment, the world is perfect.
27
Connor
Change.
I guess that’s what Clarise taught me—sometimes change isn’t bad. Sometimes, change is exactly what you need.
I guess I thought that, by changing, I was disrespecting everything that I treasure. God, my honor, my father… But now, I think that I see it differently. Change is necessary if I’m to learn and grow. What good am I if I remain stagnant for the rest of my life?
Besides, my relationship with Clarise has nothing to do with the way I can help the Donovans. Sure, it might cause some trouble down the road, but that has nothing to do with my capabilities or impartiality right now.
Push comes to shove, I’ll resign. I won’t let my relationship with Clarise hurt the Donovan family, but I sure as hell won’t put a business family above the woman I --
Jesus, I was about to say it, wasn’t I? I was about to tell you that I love her. What’s happening to me? Okay, I need to focus; I can’t be thinking of this right now. I’ve got a meeting to prepare for, and contemplating the meaning of love and life isn’t going to help me with that.
Sitting down at the desk in my bedroom, I crack open the folder sitting in front of me and start reading through the documents. I’m about to start writing down some notes when I hear a knock at my door.
My heart jumps up happily as I think it might be Clarise, and I stand up in a hurry. I walk to the door with wide strides and, without thinking twice about it, I just open it and smile.
It isn’t Clarise on the other side.
"You should've been more careful, Connor," Earl says, walking past me and inside the guest house. There’s a contemptuous expression on his face, one that means trouble.
"What are you talking about?" I ask him, already feeling a knot forming deep in the pit of my stomach.
"Well, you know … the church has a damn good security system. And, unfortunately for you, the pastor over there owed me a favor."
"What are you getting at, Earl? Spit it out," I tell him, balling my hands into fists. Even though I asked him what he’s talking about, I know exactly what he means with his words: he has proof of my involvement with Clarise. It has to be it.
"Oh, I can see it in your eyes… You know what I’m talking a
