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But the odds of me finding something like that were astronomical, or so I thought at the time. And so, when I took my vows, I thought I wasn’t leaving anything of importance behind. Sure, I was pushing sex to the curb, but after you’ve gone through as many women as I have, even sex starts to lose its appeal.
Clarise showed me I was wrong. So very wrong.
"Connor?" I hear her voice, and I turn around to see her. She’s standing in the doorway and, even though it’s already night, the moon is still bright enough to make Clarise’s shadow tumble down the aisle.
"You came," I tell her, jumping up to my feet. I was afraid that, after the way I handled things at the cemetery, she’d just shoot me down. It’d be a sad sight, me, all alone in the chapel through the long hours of the night, but I was prepared for it.
"Of course I came, you idiot," she whispers softly, closing the door behind her and walking toward me.
"I wanted to see you one last time," I admit, the words feeling like nails as they climb up my throat. "I needed to see you."
"One last time?" she whispers, and I can feel dread and fear coating each and every word of hers.
"Yes, I’m going back to Rome, Clarise," I reply, and the look on her face is enough to make my heart break into a million little pieces. Whoever said words are mightier than the sword had no idea how right he was. Right now, I’d rather have a broadsword blade sticking out of my chest instead of feeling this… desperate.
"Why, Connor? Just tell me why because I don’t understand. I really don’t."
What can I say? I can’t tell her about Earl without breaking the Donovan family apart, but I can’t lie to her either. Ah, it’s so damn easy to be gung-ho on the truth when the truth is easy; of course, more often than not, being truthful is probably one of the hardest things a human being can do.
But I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to break her heart more than I need to. And so I just settle for a half-truth.
"It’s … it’s complicated. And I’m sorry for what I said before. I didn’t mean it. What happened between us was everything but a fantasy. It was real, more real than anything else."
"Then how --" s
he starts to say, but just like how she did many times before, I rest my index finger over her lips and make her quiet down.
"I stand by what I said. I’m sorry, but no good will ever come out of a relationship between the two of us," I whisper, slowly taking my finger off of her lips. Turning on my heels, I then look at the altar, the cross hanging overhead like an ominous reminder that all good things eventually must come to an end.
"But I’ve never felt better than when I’m with you," she tells me softly, brushing her fingers against the back of my hand before grabbing it tightly. "This feels right," she continues, holding my hand in hers. "I’ve never felt so alive, Connor, and I know you must feel the same…"
"I feel the same. But it’s wrong. It’s just so wrong," I tell her, that heavy sadness taking over me once more. I haven’t felt this bad since my father’s funeral.
"But how can something so wrong feel this good?" she whispers gently, cracking a smile as she goes on tip-toes. Then, she brushes her lips against mine and I simply come undone.
"I love you, Clarise… And I want you, even if it’s one last time," I whisper, barbed wire wrapping itself tightly around my aching heart.
"Sop saying that. Stop talking… Just… Just be here. Be here right now. Can you do that?"
"I can do that," I tell her with a smile, and then I lean in to kiss her.
31
Clarise
Surrendering to his embrace, I part my lips and kiss him eagerly. If this really is the last time we’re going to be together, I don’t want to waste one single second… No, I want to seize the moment and squeeze it for all it’s worth.
"Take it off… Take it off," I tell him, breathing harder and harder as I grab the fabric of his shirt. Loosening his tie, I then start unbuttoning his shirt, my fingers moving fast as a kind of lustful desperation takes over me. Pulling the shirt out from his pants, I then press the palm of my hands against his walls of abs, feeling their contour under my fingers as my pussy starts growing wet.
"Clarise…" Connor whispers as his shirt slides down his arms to the floor. With one hand on the nape of my neck, he tangles his fingers in my hair and holds me still; leaning into me once, he brushes his lips against mine. We kiss hungrily, our tongues slow dancing around one another as I press my body against his.
I feel his cock hardening inside his pants, its bulging shape brushing against my inner thigh and helping me become even wetter. Ah, if we were already naked, I’d just grab his cock and guide it home…
"I want you… I need you," I pant as I move my fingers down to his belt, unbuckling it in a hurry. Pulling it from its loops, I then open the top button on his pants and push the zipper down. His cock strains against the fabric of his boxer briefs, and I feel a shiver going up my spine as my knuckles brush against that throbbing thickness of his.
I can’t even begin to imagine how life will be once Connor disappears from it… Nothing will ever be the same. Sex will never be this good again, and I’m sure that I’ll never feel what I do with him as well. There’s just something unique whenever the two of us are together. It’s in the way our bodies work, in the way our minds seem to expand and contract at the same time… Ah, if this isn’t love, I don’t know what it is.
Hooking my fingers on the fabric of his boxer briefs, I send them down his legs with his pants. Falling to my knees at the same time, I look up at Connor, the shadow of his cock tumbling over my face.
