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“Just let me explain,” I say to her, trying to buy some time.
“There’s nothing to explain, Arsen,” she says, still not looking back at me. “This whole thing was a big fucking joke to you. You’re a sick, perverted creep.”
“No I’m not, Ashley,” I reply as I match her stride. She’s walking toward the gates to the park on 72nd and 5th. Fuck, she’s going to hop into a cab or a bus from there and I won't be able to do a goddamn thing about it. I can’t force her to stay. “Just let me explain. I love you.”
Well that fucking gets her to stop all right.
And why wouldn't it? I’ve never, ever, said it to another girl before. I’ve never felt it for another girl. I’ve never even contemplated anything remotely close to it with another woman. The very thought of falling in love with someone three months ago would have me getting on a fucking plane and getting as far away from her as possible.
But now? Now, I’m standing there like a fucking kid, watching Ashley turn around and stare at me.
“I love you, Ashley Lane,” I tell her, not sure why I’m so fucking nervous all of a sudden.
Ashley smiles for a moment, and that’s when I know I’m fucked.
“You love me?” she asks and takes a step forward on the balls of her feet. “That’s why for basically the entire time you knew me, you pretended to be someone else?”
“I didn’t pretend to be someone else!” I yell, but she answers right back and I can see the fire in her eyes.
“You pretended to be someone on the phone that wasn't the same you in real life, Arsen!” Ashley yells. “Sure when you were with me you were Arsen Hawke. But then how many times did I hurry out of your apartment to go to work? How many times did you ask me what I did when you knew the answer?”
“I never lied to you about anything…” I begin but she cuts me off and for a moment I think she’s going to slap me again.
“You didn’t lie to me?” Ashley asks with a note of incredulity in her voice. “Arsen I fell in love with you on the phone and you know how much it was tearing me up every time you and I were together to think how I could be falling in love with you at the same fucking time?”
For once, I’m silent. Her fucking words have silenced me.
“You want to know what it’s like to go through what I did for the last month?” she asks me. “You want to know what I feel like standing here in front of you after the things you had me do on the phone?”
Fuck. In all of this, I forgot how crazy we had gotten.
“You had me call you King! You told me not to…touch myself on the phone. You did things with me that were private and so intimate for me and it was a big fucking joke for you!” Ashley yells as her face turns red. “You must have gotten quite a laugh, huh?”
“I never thought about it as a joke,” I say slowly and she looks at me. “I only called your line because you wouldn't see me. Because you wanted to stay away after our first night.”
“You know what?” Ashley asks me, but I can tell it's fucking rhetorical. “I should have listened to myself that day. I shouldn’t have texted you back. I should have just gotten myself off and not thought of you at all. I wouldn’t feel so deceived and humiliated right now.”
I take a step close to her. “Don’t feel humiliated, babe…” I begin but she looks at me and I see her face contort.
“Stay the fuck away from me, you fucking creep!” she yells. “You lied to me! You had a million chances to tell me. You had to wait until I told you I loved you to spit it back at me. To laugh in my face. Well, Arsen Hawke, or King Henry, from now on, you’re just Client 5 to me, okay. Some fucking loser who has to pay per the minute to get off.”
She turns away and walks toward 5th Avenue. The sun’s going down and it’s reflecting off the condos and co-ops lining the street across the Park.
“Ashley…” I call out, wondering if I should keep going after her. But she answers the question for me.
“Stay the fuck away, Arsen, or I’m screaming rape,” she says. She pauses for a minute and I think she’s going to turn around. As long as I can keep her talking.
“By the way, just in case you were wondering,” she says, still with her back turned to me. “I quit. I’d rather starve than work for you one more day.”
I watch her walk to the sidewalk and I swear to you it feels like someone just shot a hole at the bottom of my heart. I’ve never ever felt like this before. But you want to know what the worst part it?
It’s the feeling that I get because I know I fucking deserve this. That all my shit has come back to fucking haunt me. That it made me a cocky, arrogant, and selfish asshole that didn't realize there was anything wrong with what I did. And it hurt the one person in the world I wanted to hold and fucking protect. The one person in the world I love.
I watch as Ashley crosses the street and jumps into a cab. I don’t know if I’m imagining her looking at me as the cab drives away. The windows to the cab are rolled up so it’s hard to tell, but within a few seconds the cab is gone and it doesn’t fucking matter anymore.
I walk to the sidewalk, where Ashley had passed by just a few moments ago. People walk by me, into the park, out of the park, going uptown, going downtown, all caught up in their lives. I see girls walking dogs, a hot dog vendor packing up for the evening, a kid crossing the street with a kite. Everyone going about their business, in their own little worlds, not realizing that mine has just been blown to hell.
New York fucking City. The loneliest big city in the world.
