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She shook her head and placed her hands against her stomach. “No. I’m not feeling too well. I’m going to go to bed for a while.”
That was the first night in the past months of knowing Stella that she didn’t step into the ocean. I hadn’t a clue why that brought me so much unease.
33
Stella
* * *
Damian didn’t know it, but it happened—my dam broke.
I’d been feeling heightened anxiety for the past few weeks.
Every pregnancy before this one started with the same type of fear: the possibility of losing the baby. What was even worse was this time, I didn’t feel right. It was almost as if I could feel my soul warning me of something awful that was on its way.
For the past week, I felt a new level of anxiety that I couldn’t really uncover. I hadn’t gone to the water, and I didn’t even know why. Each morning I woke up feeling on the verge of tears, and each night I struggled to fall asleep.
I stopped going to the ocean because every time I’d feel the waves hit my feet, an odd sadness fell against me. As if Mama’s love was so far away. Each wave felt more disconnected. Maybe it was me, maybe it was my mind. Either way, the calmness the water used to give to me was filled with more worry.
Damian could tell something was off, but he didn’t know how to approach it. I didn’t blame him because I wasn’t even certain how I wanted to be approached. At first, I thought it was the idea of Jeff not being in the baby’s life, but that wasn’t it. Secretly, I felt a sense of relief from that fact.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Mama and Kevin for the past few days. I felt as if a cloud of darkness was over me, and I wasn’t certain exactly what it meant. But I knew something was wrong.
“Slow down your mind, baby girl,” Grams told me, giving me a neck massage as I sat at her dining room table.
“I can’t, Grams. I just feel like something’s wrong.” I turned to face her and frowned. “Can you do a reading for me, maybe? Just a little tarot spread to let me know if everything’s going to be okay?”
She frowned. “Stella, you know my rules. When one’s anxiety is high, we do not turn to our magic. We have to be aligned with ourselves to use our gifts. Besides after the last…” Her words fumbled off.
“Miscarriages,” I said.
She frowned, hating the conversation, but knowing that she’d seen me like this before. Every time before when I was pregnant, I had the same kind of fear. “Exactly,” she told me. “We just have to trust in the universe.”
“The universe has screwed me over before,” I cut in.
Grams eyes filled with concern for me. I tried my best to shake it off.
“No, I know. I know, I’m probably worrying you, but I’m okay, Grams. But please, I just, I feel… please?” I begged. “Just one reading?”
Her eyes filled with tears. Emotions swept over her as she took my hand in hers. “Everything’s going to work out for the greater good. Just believe that.”
I pulled my hand away from her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Stella—”
“Did you already do a reading on me?”
She went silent.
“Grams, tell me.”
“Maybe we should go walk down the coastline. Put our feet in the ocean.”
“I don’t want to put my feet in the ocean, Grams. What is it? What did you see?”
She moved in to give me ocean kisses, but I pulled away.
“No. I’m scared, Grams. I’m scared. Tell me what you saw.”
“You’re okay, Stella. You’re okay, and the baby’s okay.”
“Then what are you avoiding telling me?”
“Anything I tell you is just a possibility, anyway, sweet girl. Nothing is set in stone.”
“It was last time you told me,” I said to her. “So, just tell me again.”
“I saw how much hurt you went through with the last loss, Stella. I’ve seen your heartbreak, and I refuse to put any more of that doubt or fear into your system with these cards or silly readings.”
“Now they’re silly?”
“Yes,” she said sternly. “They are silly when you become dependent on them instead of self. You are okay. The baby is okay. My sweet child,” she placed her hands against my face and cradled it. “Be here now. Stop chasing a future that is currently still make-believe. Be here now.”
She wouldn’t say what she’d seen. My stomach dropped, and I instantly felt ill. I stood from her chair and headed back toward my house, ignoring Grams as she called out my name. As I walked into the house, I found Damian in his office on a work call. The moment our eyes locked, he stood to his feet.
“Let me call you back,” he told the person on the other line, then he hung up quickly.
