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Funny, when she’d left home Saturday night, going back hadn’t been an issue for her. Other than the wonderful, far too short year she’d had with Jackson, she’d been living alone for years.
And traveling with Johnny for months. Spending nights on the road sharing a suite with him. So why, suddenly, was she upset because he wouldn’t be in the room beside hers that night? Why did the next few nights loom so heavily before her?
Was she becoming some kind of weakling? Thinking she needed someone to take care of her?
It wasn’t like he was going to be heading across town someplace unknown to her, to his real life. He’d be where he’d been since she met him, in his house right next door. Not much farther away than his room on the other side of any number of hotel suites they’d shared.
He’d been quiet all morning. Almost to the point of weirdness. Did he know how much she’d been relying on him—emotionally—over the past week? Had he sensed a change in her?
She didn’t blame him for pulling back. In another three months he’d be resuming a life she knew nothing about and had no role in. He couldn’t have her getting clingy. She suspected that if Johnny sensed her growing attachment to him, he’d distance himself for her sake. He wasn’t a guy who’d lead her on or start something if he felt she’d be hurt in the end.
Hopefully, very soon, she was going to be consumed with raising her son—becoming reacquainted with him, helping him through any emotional issues caused by the sudden life change that would be descending upon him. Being patient while he got to know her again...
Her stomach lurched at that last thought. Then she was back to worrying about having screwed things up with Johnny.
Their relationship couldn’t get messy. She understood that. Wished there was some way she could let him know they were okay without making it uncomfortable between them.
She had no idea what he and Braden had talked about as they left the restaurant the night before. No idea how Johnny thought the meeting had gone. What he thought of the Harrises. Or her chances of getting Jackson back. And because of the sudden distance between them, one she feared she’d created, she didn’t ask him any of those questions. How he felt, personally, wasn’t going to change anything. If he’d had legal concerns, he’d have told her. She had to stay focused.
Half an hour from home she could hardly stand the tension anymore.
“Are you okay?” The question was a watered-down version of what she really wanted to know. Were they okay? And it was the same question he’d asked her not long ago.
“Of course.” Same answer she’d given him... He didn’t take his eyes off the road long enough to glance at her.
She told herself to let it go. Things had been a lot more intense this trip. He probably just needed a break from her part of the life-quest partnership. Needed some time away from her.
But she had to ask, “Are you angry about something? Angry with me?”
It mattered to her. Whether it should or not. If she’d screwed things up, she had to try to fix them. He was worth it. Their partnership was worth it.
At least to her.
“No.”
Let it go. They were twenty-five minutes from home. And then she’d be working three twelves in a row.
“You seem different,” she said.
With a shrug, he shook his head. “Still me.”
“Johnny...”
Finally, he glanced her way.
“Tell me what’s going on. I can’t lose you.” No! Those weren’t the words she’d meant to say. She held her breath, needing to take them back and afraid that if she tried, she’d only make everything worse.
“Of course you can. We both knew this was just for a year. I’ve got my life to go back to. You’ve got yours...”
He was only reiterating what she’d been telling herself all morning.
“I can’t lose you yet,” she qualified, fearing, even as she said the words, that they were a lie. She couldn’t lose him ever.
But ever wasn’t here. Now was. She had to deal with now.
Who knew how she’d feel when Jackson was back in her life? When Johnny donned his suits and ties and became corporate lawyer man again, living in a differ
ent world, his world. One she knew she wouldn’t be happy in. Wouldn’t fit in.
