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“Did you sleep with him?”
“Of course not! He’s yours. He loves you and you love him. Or maybe you do. I don’t know,” Meredith turned onto her side, curled into a fetal position. “I’ve been dying inside ever since, Suze. I’d never, ever be disloyal to you. Not ever.”
“I know.”
“But I was. It was only one kiss. I didn’t mean it to happen. He didn’t, either, for that matter. I know it sounds crazy, but it really was an accident.”
“Where were you?”
“In the kitchen. I was leaving.” She began to squeeze the tension out of the back of her neck.
“What happened afterward?”
“We both admitted it wasn’t sexual and swore it would never happen again. I don’t know what was wrong with me, Suze.” She paused and when Susan said nothing, she continued. “I’ve tried a time or two this week to convince myself that I was just feeling your feelings. You’d left upset, and I usually tune in to you when you’re upset. But I don’t know. Especially now that you’ve broken up with him….”
She was rambling. She could hear it. Could feel the nervous energy singe her body beneath the skin.
“I just had to tell you,” she whispered. “I couldn’t stand that I’d wronged you and that you didn’t know. If nothing else, there has to be honesty between us. You’re not only my best friend but the sister I never had. You’re my family.”
“It’s okay, Mer,” Susan finally said. “Truly. I’m almost as curious about you and Mark as I am hurt. To think of the two of you together, when I was at home trusting you to be taking care of Kelsey and nothing else….”
She’d hurt Susan. Meredith could feel the tears on her face, but she didn’t wipe them away. They were the penance she would always pay—inside if not out.
“And I think that’s just further confirmation that I’m not in love with him,” Susan continued slowly.
“Or maybe it’s just that you’ve been my friend too long to hate me, so you’re trying not to.”
“Meredith.” Susan’s tone was sharper. “It’s okay.” She sighed. “I really mean that. Even if you’d slept with him and I’d been madly in love with him, it would be okay, because I know you. I know your heart and your intentions and I know without a doubt that you would never consciously or willingly do anything to hurt me. Whatever happened between you and Mark was because it was meant to happen. It was stronger than you were. And I gotta tell you, woman, that’s pretty strong.”
“I’m so sorry.” She sniffled, almost welcoming the tears.
“Let it go, Mer.”
“Not until you say you forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
Meredith blinked back more tears. “Yes, there is.”
“No there isn’t, but I forgive you anyway.”
“How can you?” Her question wasn’t idle. She truly didn’t understand.
“I have no idea, but I do. And you’d do the same for me.”
Meredith quieted. Her whole body slowed down and the tears stopped. “You’re right about that,” she said, feeling calm inside for the first time in a week. “I know you, too, and I know you’d never consciously hurt me, either. You do the best you can.”
“Yes.”
“And that’s what I did, too.”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, now get some sleep and call me in the morning.”
“Yes, doctor.”
