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“So, is everything…okay?”
“Fine,” she said, aching to know what Blake had had to say about the night.
Aching to know, as always, the secrets so closely held inside Blake Smith’s heart.
And the fact that she didn’t know, had never known and would never know, was the reason why it was a damn good thing he hadn’t stopped at her place before leaving River Bluff.
She couldn’t fall for him again. Couldn’t handle the doubts and insecurities, the jealousies that came with loving a man so private he couldn’t even tell her he loved her. And every time she’d tried to coax his feelings out of him in words, every time she’d failed, she’d felt herself turning back into the frightened and confused thirteen-year-old who’d come home from school early with cramps to find her father in a body bag, and her mother being treated by the paramedics who’d answered her frantic call.
Annie had felt abandoned.
“We aren’t getting back together, if that’s what you’re waiting to hear,” she told her brother plainly, when it became clear that he was waiting for more.
“I didn’t think you were.”
“You hoped it, though. I know you, Cole.”
“And I know you.” Her brother’s words were full of regret. “You’re so locked into your idea of everyone else’s expectations of what a healthy person looks like, and your own perception of a healthy relationship, that you can’t see what’s really there.”
Sucking in her breath, Annie fell back against the beanbag chair, tempted to just hang up on Cole. “That has to be the cruelest thing you’ve ever said to me.” She barely got the words out. Cole had always been her champion.
Her believer.
“It’s not meant to be cruel, Anster,” he said, the love in his voice doing something to soothe the wound he’d just inflicted. “It’s meant to be an attempt to help. I’m scared to death that you’re never going to be happy, because you’re stuck in the mind-set of a frightened young girl.”
Cole’s words, on top of her own thoughts, hit Annie hard. Too hard for her to cope with so soon after the emotional experience she’d lived through the night before.
“Do you ever think about Daddy?”
“Sometimes. Mostly the good stuff. Especially now that I’m a carpenter again. Do you remember when he’d come in from the workshop, smelling like sawdust? And remember him taking us to Six Flags?”
At least half a dozen times.
“Yes.” She?
??d been afraid of a costumed character once and her father had held her hand, walked her up to it and asked it to show her it was really a person with a big hat. The young man had quickly complied—though he’d taken them behind a building first. Annie’s father hadn’t laughed at her or told her it was ridiculous to be afraid. Instead, he’d treated her concerns with tenderness, respect and love. But she couldn’t think about the good times much. They made what came after hurt that much more.
“Do you ever think about what he did?” she asked Cole. “Or wonder why?”
“Not if I can help it,” Cole said slowly, his tone unusually serious. “I don’t get it, Annie. And it’s not like he’s here to ask.”
“I worry sometimes that I could be like him.” She couldn’t believe she’d put the words out there. Cole was quiet for so long, she wondered if he’d hung up.
“Me, too.” His voice, when it came, was barely audible. “But I learned a long time ago not to dwell on what I had no control over and couldn’t change,” he added more strongly. “And that’s where I worry about you. You’ve spent your whole life letting the event control you.”
“I’ve grown up a lot in the past six years,” she said, to remind her brother. And herself.
“I know, and I’m proud of you. I just want you happy.”
“I am happy,” she replied. And it was true, she had perfect moments. She just needed to have them a little more often. “Once I know there’s a baby on the way, I’m going to be happier than I’ve ever been in my life.”
“I hope so.” Cole didn’t sound at all sure of that. “I hope you aren’t just bringing more hard times and loneliness upon yourself. Raising a baby alone can’t be easy.”
But Annie was no quitter. No weakling.
She was fully in touch with herself and what she had to have to experience life fully and completely.
ON THURSDAY, after discussing a series of prospective investments with Colin, who was in the office every day, Blake left work right on time to make it to the county hospital closest to River Bluff before visiting hours were over. There was no strong reason for him to be there, he acknowledged as he rode the elevator down from Verne Chandler’s room. He’d heard from Cole, before he made the drive, that the old man was still unconscious. And that he was in the advanced stages of cirrhosis of the liver. But Blake had come anyway. River Bluff was calling out to him.
