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A dam within her breaks with my words. Meredith breaks. She’s crying worse than she did when she first told me about everything that’s gone wrong. She scoots up my body, just a bit, to press her face against my neck, and I wrap my arms tightly around her. I’ve never seen her so...broken. Her sobs rack her entire torso. God, I wish I could demand she tell me. Holding her can only do so much. It’s a temporary fix and I want a long-term solution. I want us to be the long-term solution.
“Ssh,” I whisper, rubbing my hands down her back. “It’s okay.” She shakes her head into my neck. “Yes, it is. You know why? Because you’re with me and we’re going to make it okay.” I turn to kiss her forehead, letting my lips brush against her skin. “I’m here. I’m always here for you, Mere.”
Her cries turn into hiccups. We lie like that for a long time before she speaks. “What’s the worst thing to ever happen to you?”
Her question surprises me, but it also clues me in to whatever this secret is. She considers it the worst thing to ever happen to her? Including getting injured, having a successful surgery, only to mess up her shoulder again three days later when she and Vance were in a car accident?
I don’t have to think about my answer because I know what it is. “Watching you walk away from me.”
A defeated whoosh of air hits my neck. “Way to make me feel worse, Noah,” she humorlessly laughs.
“I don’t want you to feel worse, but I’m not going to lie to you either. It was difficult, but I don’t regret it. Doesn’t mean it hurt any less. For about six months, I called my mom and complained about how much I missed you.”
This gets her attention and she props herself up with her arms on my chest. “Really?”
“Yeah,” I say, wiping away the wetness. “Didn’t you tell someone how much you missed me?”
She nods. “My mom. I guess I always thought you handled it well.”
I raise an eyebrow at her. “Why would you think that? Don’t you remember what happened when you came to visit me that one time in college?”
Meredith leans into one of my hands, closing her eyes as if recalling the memory. “You nearly cracked a rib, you were holding onto me so tightly, and you kept asking for just one more minute.” Her eyes open. “I heard your voice in my head for such a long time after that.” She glances down and those eyes flash up at me again. “I came back to see you after that.”
“What? When?” I never saw her again. I don’t understand.
“End of your sophomore year. I was able to get enough information from your mom to figure out where I could find you. I waited around on a bench in the courtyard near your dorm, far enough away that you wouldn’t notice me, but close enough that I could spot you. I was there for a few hours before I saw you.”
I’m still confused. “Why didn’t you come up to me?”
“You looked happy.” When I tilt my head, still not getting it, she adds, “And you were with a girl. You kissed her. I didn’t want to intrude and ruin anything.”
All of a sudden, it hits me. “A redhead?” I ask, hoping she’s not talking about the day I think she is.
“Yeah.”
I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling. I know exactly what day she’s speaking of. Damn it. “That’s fucked up, Mere.” I groan, frustrated with the knowledge that I was right, that she was so close, and I managed to push her away.
“Why?” she whispers.
“I still thought about you, more than I probably should have at that point, but I was dating. That girl? She was a great girl. We had gone on a few dates, but for some reason, I was thinking about you more than usual. I wanted to call you and make sure you were okay because I was worried. Then I was irritated with myself because if you wanted to be there, you would’ve been, and in the mean time, there was this fantastic chick in front of me who liked me. We had that weirdness between us where we weren’t sure if things were going to go further that night or not.
“I saw you. I fucking saw you and thought I was losing my mind. That you couldn’t have possibly been there and that I just needed to focus on who was. So, I kissed her like I had done on our last date and asked her if she wanted to go up to my dorm. That was the last date we had, because I was still thinking about you so damn much, I,” I wince just thinking about it, “said your name. God, I felt like such a dick. I thought I was going crazy. After that, I was more committed with moving forward.”
“I’m sorry,” she tells me quietly. “I guess I was fucking things up long before I realized it.”
I sigh. “Don’t be sorry. She started dating a teammate soon after. They’re married now, so it all worked out.” My hands move down to her waist and I squeeze. “I just hate that you were right there. Why did you come?”
“My week was terrible, I missed you, and I really wanted to see you.” She rests her head on my chest again. “You really don’t regret it?”
“No, I don’t. I’d rather you leave and do what you thought you needed to do than stay and wonder what would’ve happened if you had left, or to regret staying with me.”
Meredith doesn’t say anything for a while. I continue to hold her, wondering what she’s thinking. Part of me wants to ask her if she regrets walking away, but I don’t. I fear she’ll say yes, which sounds crazy. But if she does regret it, then it’ll feel like all this time apart was time we could’ve been together. It’ll sting that much more because it would mean we wasted time. I want my time away from her, and her time away from me, to be time well spent because in the end, it led us to where we are right t
his second.
With her in my arms.
Meredith finally wiggles away from me and stands. “I wish you had a hot tub, but I’ll settle for your shower.”
