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“Stop trying to make me feel bad!” she snaps.
I sigh. “I’m not.” Honestly, I’m not, but if I’m to say what happened and why it actually happened, I can’t help if it makes her feel bad.
“Just tell me what your problem is now. I don’t want to focus on the past if we don’t have to.”
“You know how there are some things that happen, intentional or not, mutual or not, that scar you for life?” Her body tenses against me. “It creates certain reactions from you, forms fears, and just leaves a bad taste in your mouth?” She nods. “That is one of those things for me. You are the trigger for the pain, but also the bandage to help me heal. I know the why, I semi-supported it, understood it, and was willing to let it happen, but at the end of the day, you still left and it still hurt like hell.”
Her voice is softer now, her body leaning into mine instead of pulling away. “And you’re scared I’ll leave again?”
“It freaks me out, yeah. There wasn’t anything wrong with our relationship before, everything was perfect, and you still walked away. It could happen again.” There. She knows my biggest fear now. It’s not irrational in the least. If a person can walk away from a relationship when everything is going right, when there are no huge looming problems, when the obstacles can be conquered, then who’s to say it can’t happen again? Who’s to say that person won’t walk away when things get difficult? Or, when the relationship is fragile and all it needs is patience and love, that the person won’t give up too soon?
Who’s to say if Meredith can heal from her shoulder and has the opportunity to play tennis again that she won’t choose her career over me again? She’s always been adamant that she didn’t want long distance. I don’t know if she’s changed her mind or not, so it’s still a likely possibility in my mind.
She rolls over, bringing the puppy with her. “I’m not going to walk away twice, Noah. I’m not that stupid.” She gives me a wry smile, making me smile in return. “You need to trust me.”
“I’ll work on it,” I promise, and I will because I want her more than anything else in this world. My eyes fall to the wiggling puppy, who is trying to get comfortable. “So, impulsive decision?”
Meredith’s eyes snap up to mine. “Doesn’t mean anything.”
I cup her cheek, letting my thumb caress her lips. “For you, it does.”
“Are you okay with me having a puppy in your apartment?” she asks, sidestepping the issue. “I’m also in here because I didn’t know if you’d want him in your bed.”
“A little to late to ask now, don’t you think?”
She laughs. “Yeah, I guess so.”
We fall into silence. I wait for her to talk, but it soon becomes apparent that she isn’t going to unprompted.
“Talk to me, Mere.”
She strokes a finger over the puppy’s head, keeping her eyes on him instead of me. “I have issues, Noah. Some I’m not ready to deal with.” She flicks her gaze up to me.
Her not talking to me about something as important as what she’s dealing with is not helping with my own issue of needing to trust her. “You can’t shut me out forever, and you shouldn’t want to.”
“I don’t,” she weakly protests. I stare at her until she caves. “Okay, so I do want to, but only because things are so fucked up in my head, Noah. I feel like I should try to work out some of these things on my own. Not to mention, I still feel lost and this weekend was kind of stressful. Then you get all snappy at me on top of Vance apparently trying to get a hold of me. So, yeah. I saw a puppy and decided to adopt him. What’s so bad about that?”
“Vance is trying to contact you?” That’s the only thing I took away from what she said.
“I changed my number because of him. He called my parents’ house, left a message, and I told Mom not to call back and give him my new number.”
I hate myself before the words ever leave my mouth. “You don’t think you should talk to him?”
Fury I’ve never seen before flashes in her eyes. “No. Leave it alone, Noah,” she warns.
She’s holding something back from me and I hate it. But tonight isn’t the time to push. “What kind of dog is he? Is he a he?”
“Yes, and he’s a three-month-old Schnauzer. They said his name is Boomer, but I think we need to come up with something else because I’m not calling him that.”
I laugh. “We can think of new names in my bed.”
“You’re okay with him sleeping in your bed?”
“As long as you’re in the bed and he’s not in my way, I don’t care.”
She grins widely, kisses me, and then gets out of the bed to switch to mine. I follow her. “Did you freak out when I wasn’t in your bed?”
“Yeah, but then I realized you wouldn’t have left things like this. What are you thinking of naming this little guy?” She’s cuddling him to her chest, lying on her side, and I reach around to rub his head.
