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Shit. I couldn’t have slept very long at all. My eyelids pry open to see Sydney leaning over onto my bed. She looks as exhausted as I was feeling earlier, which is worrisome since that could say something about Logan’s condition.
“Get in,” I quietly command. Her mouth opens and I know an objection is coming. “Get in, Sydney. You owe me. I want to keep the good feeling I had before I fell asleep and I want it with you before we have it out, so get your ass in the bed.”
She hesitates for a moment, but she lies down next to me. “Why is her hair wet?”
“We went swimming.”
She pops up. “What? She doesn’t know how to swim.”
“Lie down and shut up. You’re ruining my good feeling. How’s Logan?”
She lies back down, resting her head on my shoulder. “He’ll need surgery on his leg and he’s a little beat up, but he’ll be okay.”
“That’s good.”
We’re quiet for so long that I’m nearly asleep when Sydney speaks again. “Why are we going to have it out?” Her voice is shaky from nerves, but I don’t care. That’s a lie; I do, but I’m not going to let that affect me and I’m not going to show her I care.
“Because I panicked that you were leaving me with our daughter. Because I panicked when she said she had to go to the bathroom. Because I panicked when I didn’t know if I should cut her pizza or not. Because I should know what to do in all of those situations, I don’t, and it’s your fault. I don’t like feeling like a fucking idiot.”
Her shoulders shake and she sharply inhales. “I’m sorry, Ian.”
The sound of her voice is all I need to hear to know she’s crying. I shouldn’t feel like a dick, but I do. That’s the problem with being in love with someone and them hurting you. When you confront it and hurt them back, there’s hardly any satisfaction to be enjoyed. A war wages inside of me where one side wants to forgive her and move on and the other side can’t let go of what happened. Just when I think I can, I’m reminded of what I don’t know or what I missed and I’m pissed off all over again.
I don’t say anything because there’s nothing for me to say. The good feeling is gone. I almost want to tell her I need some space. Make her move away from me and Savannah. I try to find the strength to do that.
Twenty minutes pass when Sydney whispers so softly, I nearly miss what she says.
“Please forgive me.”
Without thinking, I tug her closer to me. I’m trying to forgive her and move on, but it’s not easy.
The guilt was bad before, but now it’s overwhelming. Of course it is when Ian reminds me of why I’m a horrible person. My bad decision stares me in the face and I have no choice but to acknowledge what I did and the consequences of it.
When I wake up the next morning, I just want to leave and put some space between us. I get out of bed, walk around, and pick Savannah up, hoping not to wake her because I don’t want her to in turn wake Ian up. That hope bursts into flames when she wakes up and shouts, “Mommy!”
“What are you doing?” Ian’s voice grumbles. God, it’s been so long since I’ve heard what his voice sounded like right after he wakes up. It’s ridiculously hot.
“We have to go home.”
“No!” Savannah pulls out of my arms. I’m not expecting it, so she ends up falling onto Ian, who hmmphs when she elbows him in the stomach. “I don’t wanna leave!” Tears instantly pool in her eyes and I know I’m in for a tantrum. “I wanna stay!”
“Savannah Lynn,” I start with my don’t-mess-with-me tone because I am in no mood for a tantrum this morning, but Ian interrupts me.
He grabs her and starts tickling her, his voice light as he speaks. “Hey, listen up, little Miss.” Little Miss? He stops tickling her and flips her around so she’s looking at him. “You’re supposed to listen to your mommy and be a good girl. It’s time to go home because you have to change, so she can take you to daycare. You can see me later today. Deal?”
Savannah seems to think about it. “We go swimming?”
“Yep. Or I can teach you how to skate.”
“Skate!” she shouts.
“Deal. Now, tell me goodbye and be good for your mom.”
She surprises Ian when she leans down and plants a kiss on his cheek, giggling when his beard tickles her face. “Bye. Love you!” She turns and lunges at me. I barely catch her without having to take a step back from her force.
“Love you too,” Ian murmurs.
I don’t know what Ian is so worried about. He handled that like a pro. Those green eyes come to me when I don’t move to leave.
