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“That’s why I can forgive you.” What? “You never intended for me to never find out. Dad did. He didn’t want me distracted for my first season. His reasons are fucked up. Yours aren’t as bad.” He takes a deep breath. “I’m not there yet, though.” I nod in understanding. “What do your parents think about all of this?”
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to them since you found out. Well, I talked to my mom yesterday since Logan was in the car accident, but we only talked about him. They’ll be glad that you know and I’m getting some help.”
“Oh, yeah. That reminds me.” Ian leans over to reach into his back pocket for his wallet. “I also started a college fund and a trust fund for her.” He hands me a check and my eyes widen at the figure.
“This is more than five hundred dollars, Ian.”
“Yeah, well, I talked to a lawyer today.” That makes me stiffen, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “And he says with the difference in our incomes, that’s a better amount. Not to mention, I have three years to catch up on, so if you ask me, it’s still too low.”
“Why are you talking to a lawyer?”
He finally notices my discomfort and reaches for my hand. “Hey,” he says softly. “Stop whatever you’re thinking. You said yourself you didn’t know how to get me on the birth certificate. One of the guys basically recommended him if I had any questions about anything, so I made an appointment to talk about that and the child support. That’s it.”
“Okay. Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting it. Can we put the birth certificate thing on hold until the summer? I don’t have time to add something else to my never-ending to-do list.”
“Yeah. There’s no rush.” He’s still holding my hand, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles. It’s maddening how that can turn me on. There is definitely something wrong with me. “I’ve been thinking about something else,” he says.
“What?”
“I could have more time with her if you guys lived with me. I feel like I need to play catch up here, Sydney.”
“No.”
His thumb stops moving and he lifts his eyes to look at me. That wasn’t what he was expecting. “What? Why?”
“This is Savannah’s home. Unless you and I are in a serious relationship where we would live together long-term, then I’m not living with you. I’m not moving her out of her home just to make it easier for you to see her. She needs stability.”
“She can have that at my house.”
I pull my hand away from his. “What happens when you decide that you don’t want a relationship with me and want to see someone else? I’ll have to move her again. Or what happens if you get traded before I’m done with school? I’d have to move because I’ve seen your apartment. I can’t afford that place. Not to mention, it’s convenient for me to live here since my babysitters are here. Have you even thought this through? We can’t just—”
“Will you fucking stop it? This is exactly what I’m talking about!” Ian stands and starts to pace. “You’ve had three years with her, Sydney. I’ve had a week! I don’t feel like she’s mine. I don’t feel like I’m a father! I feel more like either a fucking babysitter or like I’m just hanging out with this kid than a dad. That’s fucked up!” He pinches the bridge of his nose to calm himself from his outburst. “So, no. I didn’t think about any of that. The only thing I was thinking about was what I could do to make her feel like she was my kid.” His hand falls and he looks at me with nothing but defeat in his eyes.
My heart breaks for him. I’ve bonded with Savannah practically since the moment I found out I was pregnant. Ian hasn’t had a chance to really do that. “I wish I could say yes, but—”
“I wouldn’t have asked you to move in if I didn’t think we would eventually work things out between us.”
That stumps me because it was my main argument. My heart swells with hope. He sees us being together? There’s hope for us?
“What if you quit your job? You wouldn’t need a babysitter then, right?” he adds, obviously still thinking on how he can convince me to move in with him.
“I need money, Ian,” I point out.
“I could take care of you. You’ve taken care of Savannah without me for almost three years. Take time off to finish school and let me take care of you and Savannah.” When I open my mouth to respond, most likely to object, he sits down next to me, takes my hand, and begs, “Babe, please.” He’s pure desperation right now; that’s something I never thought I’d see when it comes to Ian.
“Can I think about it?”
“Yeah, of course. It’s a big decision.”
That’s new, too. I expected him to demand an answer, to push and prod until I gave in and said yes, because that’s what Ian does. He’s always wanted what he wanted, when he wanted, and he demanded you give it to him on his time. Ian doesn’t give up until I give in. That’s how it’s always been. Until now, apparently.
“Let’s pack.”
Ian follows me to my room and watches me pack for her. He asks if he can pick her up from daycare and I tell him he can. I’ll have to call and let them know he’ll be getting her. I listen as he tells me about how they played hide and go seek and their time in the pool. Ian should give himself more credit because while he may not feel like her father, he is great with her. That matters. We go to the store and Ian buys a car seat. I show him how to install it, careful to not sound like a know-it-all. I haven’t meant to so far, but I need to remind myself that Ian is learning a lot for the first time what I’ve known for a while.
We part ways after that. I try to get some homework done before heading back to the hospital to check in on Logan. Carey is supposed to meet me there before she goes into work.
“Where’s Savannah?” Logan asks when I walk into his room.
