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“Hush, Mommy,” she whines her order. Savannah tries to turn in her car seat like she wants to lie on her side, but huffs in frustration. “I wanna sit with you,” she says to me.
“You have to sit in your car seat. We’ll be home soon.”
She frowns and tears well in her eyes. Fuck. She’s killing me here. I’m too tempted to pull her over into my lap and hold her for the rest of the ride home, but I’m not risking her safety. She’ll be okay until we get home. Savannah doesn’t think so, though, because she fusses the entire way. Sydney, on the other hand, glares at me every so often via the rearview mirror. I ignore her.
When we get home, I carry Savannah inside and sit down on the couch. She rests her head on my thigh. At what point do we take her to the doctor? How high was her fever? I place my hand against her forehead. Still hot. To soothe her or me, I’m not sure, I start repeatedly pushing her hair away from her face. Sydney sits next to me.
“There’s a virus going around the daycare. She probably has it,” she says.
“I don’t like this.” I’m feeling a little sick over seeing her feeling bad. Even as she dozes off, she looks like she feels miserable. I don’t like this one bit. I want Savannah better right now.
If only it was as simple as that.
“Welcome to parenthood. She had a really bad cold last year with this terrible cough that just didn’t want to go away. When she’s sick, you feel like crap because she’s so pitiful and it sucks.”
That it does. Remembering what she said earlier, I ask, “Why is Logan the reason we’re together?”
“The text you got when you were out of town about us meeting to talk? He actually sent that. He’s also the one who said I should move in. He’s been pushing me toward you ever since you found out about Savannah. Who knows if I’d be here without him doing that and telling me what needs to be said?”
She’d be here because I’d eventually convince her this is exactly where she needs to be. I don’t say that. Instead, I put an arm around her and settle in.
“Are you going to admit you shouldn’t have been rude?”
“Nope.”
“Ian,” she starts, but I cut her off.
“I missed enough of her life, babe. She’s…” My throat tightens and I swallow away the difficulty. “She’s my little girl, and I should get every opportunity to worry over her and take care of her from here on out. If I was on the road, I’d expect you to tell me the moment you could, even though there would be nothing I could do. You already know what you’re okay with; I don’t until it happens. I stand by my actions.”
Savannah curls into a ball, which makes me wonder if she’s cold. I grab the blanket from the back of the couch with my free hand and cover her up.
“Okay,” Sydney says. “I see your point. I’m sorry that I forget to see things from your view.”
“It’s fine. Not everyone can be as perfect as I am.”
She laughs. We fall silent. Sydney turns the TV on and leans into me. “Hey, did you ever talk to your mom?”
“I texted her and she told me that she wanted to talk, but I haven’t called her.”
“What about your dad?” she whispers, causing me to sigh.
“I don’t want to deal with him yet.” Not at all. Now that the fury is starting to fade, I’m torn. I want him to meet Savannah, but I want to keep him from her as punishment for making Sydney think I wanted nothing to do with them for so long. He was never planning to tell me about Savannah. That’s what I can’t get over. After how he raised me, how could he do this to me and my own kid? I can’t wrap my mind around it.
Savannah rolls over, her eyes sleepily looking at me.
“Babe, get a trash can,” I order as I take note of her pale face. Sydney runs to grab one. “You feeling okay, little Miss?”
She shakes her head. Sydney makes it back just in time for Savannah to cough. I roll her over, hold her hair back, and she pukes after the second cough. She starts crying and mumbles about not feeling good. Sydney brings her some water so she can at least swish and spit.
“Want to lay back down?” I ask her.
“Nooooo,” she cries, crawling into my lap to rest her head on my shoulder. I slouch into the couch so she’s not too upright and grab the blanket to tuck it around her. As I begin to rub her back, she takes a fistful of my beard. She just holds on.
When Sydney returns with a clean trash can, it occurs to me that Savannah should probably want her mommy. Yet, she hasn’t seemed like she wanted to go anywhere else.
“Shouldn’t she want you?” I ask.
Sydney kisses the top of Savannah’s head, but that must annoy her because she makes a whining noise and buries her face closer to my neck. “No,” Sydney answers. “She only wants me when no one else is around. I don’t know why, but if Chris or Logan was around, she’d almost always want to snuggle with them instead when she wasn’t feeling well. She likes the men in her life better than her mommy.”
