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“Came to check on Savannah, and Syd wanted my company. She fell asleep on me, though.”
“Did she say anything about today?” Again, he’s curious, but hesitant as well now.
“Just that she couldn’t get up with you. She cried. Tried to blame it on seeing Savannah hurt, but I don’t know if that’s the only reason.” Logan is helping Ian by telling him this? What the hell? Shouldn’t his loyalty be with me? “She didn’t want to talk about it.”
Ian sighs. “Bet you five bucks she’s not going to be happy to see me.”
Logan’s chest moves as he chuckles. “Not making a bet I know I’ll lose.”
A moment later, a hand touches my shoulder. “Babe, wake up.”
Reluctantly, I “wake up” and sit up. Logan is quick to tell me bye and leave. Ian takes his place on the couch while I avoid looking at him.
“So, you watched the game?” Ian asks.
“Savannah wanted to,” I answer with half the truth. I continued watching it when she stopped.
“Babe,” Ian whispers. “I feel like you’re a million miles away from me.” I don’t say anything because that’s the way it feels for me, too. “Don’t give me the silent treatment now, Sydney. Talk to me.”
What am I supposed to say? Where do I start? “We needed you, Ian. I needed you, and you weren’t there!” The words begin to flow without any problem at all as I stand to get away from him. “That’s my baby, she was hurt, and the one person we could’ve used for support was nowhere to be found! She’s never been hurt like that before. All you had to do was have your fucking phone with you! Even Logan and Carey keep theirs close in case something happens to Savannah.
“How can I trust that you’ll be there if you can’t even do this? I was calling for over an hour, Ian. Noah and Marc couldn’t find you either! I didn’t know if something happened to you!” I take a deep breath. “I can’t do this. I can’t deal with being this upset with you.” I start walking to our bedroom, and of course, Ian follows.
“It won’t ever happen again,” he tries.
“It shouldn’t have happened in the first place. But what if you were in a game or practice where you wouldn’t have your phone, how do I get in touch with you? Why don’t I know this already, Ian?” I snatch a pair of pajamas from the dresser.
“I hadn’t thought about it and you haven’t asked. You can’t be so pissed at me for not doing that when you should’ve asked. You’ve been doing this longer than I have.”
I whirl around. “Don’t even bring that into this,” I warn him, my voice low. “What happened to not bringing up what happened in the past in future arguments since you forgave me?”
Ian throws his hands up. “That’s not what I’m doing! I’m just trying to point out that I’m still learning. Shit isn’t always going to occur to me. It was one time, Sydney. It’s not going to happen again.”
“You don’t get it.” I shake my head, turn, and start changing.
“Then make me get it.” He’s closer now. Standing right behind me, and I wish he wasn’t.
Tears well up in my eyes. “The emotions running through me right now are the same as when you told me you didn’t love me,” I whisper, fully changed now. Ian grabs my shoulders and turns me to face him. “I feel like you’ve crashed on my hopes for us and for you, leaving me disappointed. Back then, I needed you and you walked away. I went back to the hotel and you had already left. Now, I needed you and you weren’t available.
“You keep saying it’s not going to happen again, but how can I trust you? How can I know that I can rely on you? You’ve forgotten us once before and now, you don’t have your phone with you when something happens with Savannah. I just don’t know, Ian.”
He slides his hands onto my neck, his thumbs going to my jaw. His eyes are worried and his touch is gentle. “Babe. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I keep finding a way to fuck up, but I swear on my life, this is worth it. You are not allowed to give up on us.”
“I’m not—”
“It sure as fuck sounds like it,” he cuts off my interruption. “You were freaked out, I know. I could tell, and it’s eating me alive—”
“Then why do you keep doing this to me? You make some kind of innocent mistake, feel bad, and then make another one. It has to stop. I’m tired of you letting me down.”
His hands fall and he takes a step away from me. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”
I’m so confused at the change in tone and attitude. Ian’s suddenly pissed. What have I done? I hate him being mad at me. What did I say? Why is he mad now?
“I had to chase you for two years to warm you up to the idea of a relationship with me. I had to beg you for a second chance. I still had to convince you, even after I found out that you kept Savannah from me after you realized my dad never told me like he said he did. I’ve been doing my best to convince you that we’ll work because we can, and you’re going to basically be the judge and jury and convict me like you’re doing? I’m letting you down? Fuck you, Sydney.” With that, he turns and walks out of the bedroom, leaving me stunned, and even more so when I hear the door to the apartment open and close.
I didn’t get much sleep last night. Ian didn’t come back home. Am I overreacting and being too harsh? Is that any excuse not to come home? God, even now I’m finding reasons to be pissed at him. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I forgive, forget, and move on? There’s no time to think about it today.
“What do you want for breakfast?” I ask Savannah just as the door opens.
