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I shrug. “I forgot about him earlier this week and then Mom died. I went over there, but burst into tears and left before anything happened. He’s been texting me because he’s worried. I’ve been ignoring him.”
Rose shakes her head. “I really don’t understand you.”
“What do you mean?”
“They are both good guys, right?”
“I guess.” I don’t really know Zane that well, but he seems nice.
“Then why won’t you date one of them? What are you getting out of a sex-only relationship? Nothing! What’s the point?” She stares at me, waiting for an answer. She’s been dying to ask me this for a long time, I bet. “I get that you have a bad track record,” she starts when I don’t answer fast enough, “but come on. You’ve matured greatly since then. All of your former buddies find themselves getting girlfriends and getting married because you never show interest in anything more with them. Do you realize how many great guys you’ve allowed to walk out of your life because you won’t see them as anything more than a fuck?”
I frown. “None of those guys wanted a relationship with me.”
“Oh really? You don’t think there’s a possibility that Zane hopes for more? He’s been fucking you for what? Almost a year? Kevin was with you for two years before he gave up and left.”
“They didn’t want a relationship,” I firmly repeat. “What guy wants a relationship with a girl who sleeps around? Besides, I don’t let them get close.”
“Yes, you do. In the beginning, you do. Just for a little bit. You went out with Zane a few times before you pulled back and pulled the whole fucking-only stunt. You did the same thing with Kevin. You’re doing the same with Brayden right now, though it’s going on longer than it did with the others. It’s like you have to reel them in and get them hooked on you before you cut them off from everything but sex.”
Shit. I forgot that there were a few times Zane and I hung out in the very beginning. It was only like three or four times, now that I think about it. Same with Kevin. I’m over that lim
it with Brayden.
“You need to stop this if you ever hope to settle down. You’re messing with good guys in the process, Deanna.”
“It’s my fault now?” Anger swells inside of me. “I’m not forcing them to stay. I don’t get their hopes up. I don’t text them for sex or ask to see them.”
“So, what? You like the attention they give you? You still come when they call.”
“Not always.” There’s been plenty of times when I didn’t see Zane or Kevin or any of the other guys because either I was busy or already had plans with one of the guys. “I don’t do it for the attention either. Since when did this become a bashing Deanna session?”
“I’m trying to sort your love life out for you before you ruin it completely.”
“I don’t need your help! I don’t even have a love life!”
Her voice softens and there’s freaking pity in her eyes. “But you could. That’s my point. I think Brayden could be that guy.”
“What? Are you crazy? He doesn’t want anything more than sex.”
“Yet he’s been there for you through your mom’s death. He brought you lunch without you asking or even knowing he was doing it. He cares about you, Deanna. That could turn into something! The fact that you haven’t pushed him away means something, too. Don’t fuck it up with him. You need to stop seeing Zane, tell Brayden that you stopped seeing him, and try things out with him.”
She is crazy. Absolutely bonkers.
Yet, after she leaves, I do find myself crafting a text to Zane. I’m not sure what to think of what Rose said. However, I know that I could never see myself in a relationship with Zane. It’s time to end things with him. There’s a spark that’s missing. The craving to be with him is not there. Then again, maybe I’ve never given him a chance. I don’t know. Too late now. Text sent.
Me: Sorry for ignoring you. It’s been an extremely rough week for me. I also think we should stop fucking. Doesn’t have anything to do with what happened or what’s happening with me. It’s just time. Good luck with your life.
God, that sounds so lame! I don’t know what else to say, though. Or how to say it. I’m also surprised that he doesn’t text back relatively quickly, but maybe he has a game or something.
Maybe Rose was right and I need to get my love life in order. Life is short. After all, my mom died without warning. But I still don’t want to tell Brayden that he’s now the only person I’m sleeping with. As long as he thinks I’m fucking other people, then the possibility of a relationship is off the table. Fear can rule me for a little while longer.
As the bar fills with more and more people, I continue drinking. It’s not karaoke night, but there is live music. Unfortunately, that means it’s extra crowded and I get hit on too many times for me to handle in my grieving, pondering-my-love-life state.
At some point, I text Brayden.
Me: Ar oyr bar.Cime hdmg wth me.
When he doesn’t respond, I drag my drunk, bummed butt out to dance. The last time I was truly trashed was when I made the very stupid decision to attempt to drive home. At least I won’t get behind the wheel this time. Mom would probably be still disappointed that I’m letting myself get this drunk. Even in death, I can’t make her happy.
