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Regret and remorse filter through me as I gaze at my little girl. “How will I make it up to her, hmm? Because I don’t want her to leave us. We clearly have things to work on, though.” I want to work things out. I want to fix things. I want Raelynn to trust me and I want to be able to trust her.
“EJ!” Jackson shouts as he runs into the room. His eyes widen and he clamps a hand over his mouth when he sees Bree sleeping. “Did I wake her up?” he whispers, climbing onto my lap and seeing for himself that she’s still out like a light.
“No, you didn’t,” I answer anyway. “Did you want to tell me something?”
“Oh, yeah!” He continues to whisper, which makes me smile. “Can we build a blanket fort tonight?”
“Sure thing, J-man.”
“Did I miss anything today?” He leans forward to carefully kiss her cheek.
He missed a lot, but that’s not what he’s asking and not something he needs to know. “No firsts today.”
“Can we wake her up so I can play with her?”
I laugh. “You never wake a sleeping baby, Jackson. You’ll be able to play with her later, I’m sure. Hop down and let me lay her down. I’ll play with you.”
Once Bree is back in her crib, we leave her room to cross the hall to his room. Raelynn steps out of her room and her quick glance at me ties my stomach in knots. This won’t be a quick, easy fix between us. She nods a simple acceptance as Jackson tells her we’re going to his room to play.
“Do you want to come with us?” I ask.
Her “No, thanks,” breaks my heart. I’m able to distract myself for a while by building a blanket fort with Jackson and building things with Legos until Bree wakes up around dinner time. While we may eat together, all the talking comes from Jackson and Bree. Afterward, Raelynn takes the kids and clearly leaves me to clean up. It wouldn’t bother me any other time if we weren’t in the middle of this tension.
When I sit next to her after cleaning up the kitchen, she ignores me and even slightly scoots away from me. But she has my kid on her lap. I don’t plan on being too far away in case I decide I want some time with her. The silence between us eats away at me so much that I nearly fall to my knees in relief when Raelynn speaks to me.
“Are you okay if Bree goes with me to the lawyer’s office tomorrow?”
It’s like a bucket of cold water splashes on me. It’s not what she said, but the realization that I have a game tomorrow and a road trip later this week. I can’t imagine going on the road with this distance and discord still raging on between us. I don’t know if it’ll help things, make them worse, or keep them the same.
“Elias?”
I glance over at her. “Yeah, sure.” If I remember correctly, I’ll be at the arena when it’s time for her appointment. “If you’d rather get one of the women to keep her, I can ask around. Meredith, Deanna, or Sydney might be open to it. She might decide to be a bad baby.”
Jackson glares at me. “Bree is never a bad baby,” he says as if he’s disappointed I’d say such a thing. “Can we go to the game tomorrow, Momma?” he asks Raelynn, dismissing me just like that.
“Not tomorrow, but maybe the game Sunday.”
He nods in satisfaction and Raelynn gazes down at Bree. “I think she’ll be fine with me,” she says, referring back to my offer to let someone else keep her while she has her appointment. “I don’t want to bother anyone.”
“You wouldn’t be,” I reassure her. “Meredith would probably love the opportunity; she always bugs me about wanting to keep her.”
“We are all meeting at Sylvia’s tomorrow for lunch.” She sighs. “Do you think I shouldn’t take her with me, even though she’s normally so good?”
Bree looks at me as if she knows I’m about to make a decision about her. “No, I wouldn’t. You should be entirely focused on what you’re doing and she might distract you.” Her shoulders slump. “Want me to get it arranged?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
I pull my phone out of my back pocket and text Meredith. I’ve had her number ever since she watched Bree the day I found out about her and needed someone to watch her until my mom could fly in. Meredith’s reply to me asking if she’d like to keep Bree while Raelynn has her meeting includes all caps letters and lots of exclamation points. I’d say she’s excited.
“She said she’ll be here to pick her up and if it’s okay with you, she’ll go ahead and take her over to Sylvia’s.”
Raelynn nods. “Yeah, that’s fine.”
It’s nice to know that even with this mess going on, we can still talk, even if it’s nothing too serious. Raelynn insists on putting Bree to bed, so while she’s upstairs with Bree and Jackson, getting them to sleep, I’m downstairs, twiddling my thumbs. I want to go upstairs, see if she needs help, but it seems like she wants space.
After an hour of sitting on the couch, staring absentmindedly at the cartoons still on the TV, I begin to think she’s avoiding me. That’s totally not cool. I stand and jog up the stairs. The door to her room is wide open and the light is off. Her soft voice flows from Bree’s room. I peek inside to see her sitting in the recliner. Bree hasn’t fallen asleep yet.
Raelynn glances up. “She’s giving me a tough time tonight.”
