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“Collin, you’re being ridiculous. What’s really going on here? Do you need a session or something?”
“Don’t try and turn this around on me, Cal. This isn’t about my fucked up life. Give me my key or I’ll get it my damn self.” Things are quiet for a moment and then I hear Collin say, “Now get the fuck out and don’t apologize until you grow up and actually mean it.”
“You’re off your rocker today, man.”
I wince. Collin doesn’t like for people to think he’s crazy or to call him crazy. Cal knows that. For his own brother to say that will hurt and nag him for a long time. I hear a door slam closed. For twenty minutes, I debate checking on him, but I don’t want to crowd him after that either.
“Jules?”
I scramble off the bed to unlock the door for him. “I’m sorry, Collin. I didn’t know what to do other than stay in here.”
His eyes widen. “You knew it wasn’t me?”
I roll my eyes. “I can tell the difference and even if I couldn’t, you’d never call me baby.”
He grimaces. He slowly reaches up and runs his fingers over my swollen and bruised face. “How are you feeling?”
“Blissfully in denial. I came to North Carolina to visit my long-time favorite Kessy, Collin. Everything has gone smoothly since the moment I stepped off the plane.”
“Julie,” he sighs.
“My face hurts; do you really want me to cry?”
His hand drops. “No. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah. I just woke up when Cal came over.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I stopped for groceries. C’mon.”
I almost hesitate to leave the safety and security of his bedroom, but knowing he has his brother’s key and that the door is most likely locked, along with the fact that I am indeed starving, helps move my feet to follow Collin across the apartment to the kitchen. He motions for me to sit on a stool at the bar while he cooks us up something. Marmalade meows and rubs against Collin’s legs, walking back and forth between them.
“Are you ready to talk to me?” he asks.
I sigh. The answer is no. I haven’t quite figured out a good lie to tell him. There’s no way I’m telling Collin the truth. If I can’t wrap my mind around it, how will he? I still have to tell him the big reason for my coming to North Carolina: that I want to move in. Living back home isn’t an option anymore. I can’t go back without something like what happened last night happening again. If Collin says no, I’ll hop on a plane and pick the next flight to a new home. Those are my two options: Live with Collin or move somewhere completely new.
My body hurts and aches, covered with a layer of bruises from my head to my toes, and it’s because of something I’ve had no control over.
I flinch in surprise when Collin is suddenly next to me, grabbing me by the chin, but gently tilting my head back to look at him. “Stop blaming yourself,” he says quietly. I wish I could blame myself. Then I’d know the hows, the whys, and the whens. I could take responsibility for it, but I can’t. He’s mistaking my confusion for self-blame. I yearn for that; it would be better than the turmoil of not knowing.
He looks hurt, undoubtedly because I flinched, but he caught me off guard. If there’s one thing I’ve tried to learn, it’s to be aware of my surroundings. Being unaware, even in so-called safe places, leads to bad things. I’ve learned my lesson. Collin leans forward an inch, stops as if he’s hesitating, but then closes the distance to kiss my forehead. “Don’t make me guilt trip it out of you,” he mutters, his lips caressing my skin as he talks. And then, as suddenly as he appeared, he’s gone and back to cooking.
“What do you mean?” Of course he wants to know, but that’s not enough to guilt trip me into telling him what happened last night.
“My anxiety level is a thirteen, Jules. I’ve already had three panic attacks this morning, though I won’t put the blame on you because things have been getting worse anyway.” I watch the movement of his broad, broad shoulders as he shrugs. “You got me involved; I need to know.”
Tears fall before I can stop them. Part of me wants to tell him. He’s Collin. How can I not? But at the same time, I want to forget last night ever happened. A grilled cheese sandwich plops down on a paper towel in front of me and I smile.
“Your favorite comfort food,” he says simply, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “Eat up.” A moment later, he sits next to me with his own sandwich.
I come up with an easy, believable lie as quick as I can.
“It’s partly my fault,” I say, earning a disapproving glance from Collin. I take a deep breath. “I started seeing this guy and he wasn’t who I thought he was. This,” I point to my face, “is because I broke up with him.” Less is more, right? And the fewer lies I tell, the less I have to remember. “Can I stay here for a while?” I don’t want to jump in with the moving part. Collin is the only person to ever stick with me throughout my up-and-down, ultimately shitty life. I don’t know what I’d do without him. However, if I jump in with both feet, he might suspect more than what I’ve told him.
He repeats the same thing he told me last night. “I can’t keep you hidden forever.”
“I know, but just for a little while? I can’t deal with Cal on top of this.”
His brother was fine in high school, but the older we get and the more I hear about him through Collin, he irritates me. Plus, if Collin is the best Kessy, then that makes Cal the worst in my eyes. I meant what I said when I told Collin that I can tell them apart and they aren’t the same to me. I tell him every so often, but it’s yet to get through to him, and for him to understand it’s a good thing.
