Page 36 of You Before Me

“I don't understand it, Ryan, but I don't want you to explain it to me. Not today. Unless you want to tell me.”

“I don't.” She pauses. “But I do.” Ryan pulls back to look at me, her eyes still glassy and her eyelashes wet. “I'm sorry you had to be here for that. No one has ever been around that before, and I don't know if I should explain or pretend it never happened.”

“Who do you talk to about your parents? Vivian?”

Ryan shakes her head. “No. Not really anyway. I don't want her to know more than basics. I mean, why would I want to subject anyone else to that? My mother had no problem saying all of those things in front of you, and she's never met you before today.” A tear spills over, and Ryan quickly wipes it away. “I'm sorry I yelled at you in the car. But do you see what I mean about everyone else not liking who I am? I disappoint everyone every single time. I'm never good enough. Do you understand now why I'm so damn confused?

“You're full of contradictions, Gabe. You're good, but you want me, the opposite. You like me, but you don't want to sleep with me again. You have a wonderful family, I don't. You're too old, I'm too young. And now you've seen how my mother is, and I don't want you here as a stupid knight in shining armor. I'm capable of saving myself and taking care of myself. I can do it. I don't need someone else to do it for me. I-”

“Stop talking, Ryan.” She clamps her mouth shut. “Just because you can do something yourself, doesn't mean you shouldn't ask for or accept help.”

She nods, seeming to accept what I said before she returns to my earlier comment from the car ride over. “I'm truly not insecure. At least, not the way I see it. I like who I am.” She sits up and folds her legs under herself, so I sit up to lean against the headboard. “Do I have low expectations about a lot of things? Probably so. I don't know if you overheard that night, but I am sort of easy. And I know that by sleeping with guys so quickly that they are less likely to stick around, which is fine. That really doesn't bother me. It makes things simple for me. Boys give me sex. Viv gives me friendship. College gives me an education. What more do I need right now?”

I can't help but chuckle at the seemingly absurdity of her words. “Sex, friendship, and education? That's all you need?”

She frowns. “Well, the material things in life too, but right now, yes.”

Placing my hands behind my head to get more comfortable, I ask, “What's with your obsession with sex?” I've never seen a girl talk so much, so openly about it.

“Obsession? It's not an obsession. I love sex. And I'm not having nearly enough of it lately.” She perks an eyebrow at me. “Might as well call it a passion of mine. Like you with your job and your guns. Besides, sex is one thing that I know I can do well.”

“Uh, huh. I see.”

Ryan narrows her eyes at me. “You see what, Gabe?”

I shrug. “Sex is your way of getting someone to tell you that you're good at something because you're parents are idiots who think you can't succeed at the things you do.”

She rolls her eyes. “Please. Don't get all psychological on me, Gabe. I know my parents are idiots. I know it all too well. No one needs to tell me I'm a great lay or that I'm smart or that I can do anything I put my mind to. I know that already. It's not me who needs to be convinced. Sure, they messed me up with all their 'You're such a disappointment' speeches, but I know I'm more than what they see. What exactly that is, I don't know. That's one point of college, right? To find out who you are?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Who do you think you are, Ryan?”

Her shoulders droop. “I don't know.” She clasps her hands, dropping her head to avoid looking at me. As she speaks, she glances up at me here and there. “For a lot of things, I feel really indecisive. Like when you asked me about my favorite thing to do or with my major or anything like that. I don't know what's me. I've been trying to do what I like while doing what my parents want me to do. It's not always possible for those things to coincide.

“When I was growing up, I dabbled in a bit of everything. I was really good at some of them, but by the time I could enjoy it, my parents moved me on to the next thing because my efforts weren't good enough for them to keep paying for it. Or like with tennis and I quit because it wasn't fun anymore. I overanalyze a lot of things and others not enough.

“Gabe, I can't tell you who I am because I'm not sure. But I can tell you who others think I am. That's the easy part. I don't agree with what they see, which only confuses me more most of the time. I mean, I'm not the greatest person in the world, but what they see as bad, doesn't always mean it is. And I was truly looking forward to majoring in French because that would be a challenge for me, and I would be learning something new. God, I'm rambling again, aren't I?”

I nod. “I think it's kind of cute.” She rolls her eyes at me, but it makes her smile. “Do you know what I think you should do?” She shakes her head. “Make your own standards for yourself. Decide who you want to be and ignore everyone else.” Sitting up, I stare into her green eyes, making her listen to me. “If people want to judge you, fine. That reflects more on who they are. Not you. Because, if you ask me, I'd say you're a tad bit on the crazy side and when you talk, you rattle on and on. You think entirely too much about every single thing. You're a girl trying to prove herself to people who will never be satisfied. I think you've been pulled in so many directions that you don't have a clue where you want to go. If you ask me, Ryan, I'd say that you just need someone to guide and support you. You're absolutely a beautiful, lost girl.”

A tear wells and falls over onto her cheek. She lifts her hand, but I swipe it away with my thumb before she can reach it. Ryan gives me a half smile before leaning forward to kiss me softly. When she pulls away, she doesn't say anything at all.

“Why don't you sleep over at my place tonight? I'll cook you a good meal or two.” I don't know why I invite her over other than the fact that I want her away from here for a little while, and I want to see her in my house again. “I'll even take you out tomorrow.”

Ryan laughs. “You had me with your first question. You can't take the others back now, though. Do you want to go now? Want me to drive my car, so you don't have to bring me back here?”

“No, it's fine. Just pack your things, and we'll head there.”

Ryan scurries off her bed, opens a messy closet, and looks for a bag. I watch as she moves around the room, tossing things into the pink bag. One thing that Ryan said, that bothers me the most, is what she said about not wanting me to be a knight in shining armor. I've been that guy in the past, and I always saved the girl, put her back together, and she either destroyed me in the end or left to find someone more suitable for her new self. With Ryan, I can't help but want to help. Maybe I don't have to save her, per se, but still be able to help get her through her issues.

My relationship before last, in particular, is the one that stands out the most and is probably the one my mother thinks about when she worries about me. She was a little younger than me. I was twenty-four, and she had just turned twenty-one. She seemed like a good girl, a bit of a drinker already, but she managed to have a coy, very seemingly innocent personality about her. Truly, she was a deceiver, putting on whatever face she needed to get what she wanted.

When she needed to borrow some money, I loaned it to her. I trusted that she would pay me back, and we had been dating for about seven months or so. That was my last mistake. She liked to be taken care of, and I found myself wanting to take care of her. So I would buy her things here and there and before I knew it, I had spent a lot of money on this girl. After I loaned her three thousand dollars, she disappeared. Big, stupid mistake, I know. Not only was I out that money, but I was upset that I had fallen for it.

Mom shook her head at me when I told her what happened and brought up that I was too good and trusting for my own good. I decided to put it all behind me and move forward without another thought. So yeah, being that guy hasn't worked out for me. It doesn't make sense to me sometimes, so I'll have to go against what I would want to do naturally.

I won't swoop in and take care of Ryan's problems, like the “stupid knight” she spoke of. No. I'll simply be there to help her handle them herself. She can do it, just as she said. She needs a little guidance is all. Ryan leaves the room, heading to the bathroom, appearing minutes later. She sits the bag on the bed, walks to her nightstand, and unplugs her charger from the outlet. Once she puts it in her bag, she smiles at me.

“Ready.”

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