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I feel Brittany’s hand on my thigh. Her father nods, accepting my answer, and changes the subject, asking me more general details about my life. Dinner is smooth sailing after that. Brittany was right. I didn’t have anything to worry about. Her parents seem eager to know me on a personal level, especially since it wasn’t like that before. Then, they only knew me as the man who helped their daughter tackle and manage her anxiety. Now, I’m their daughter’s new boyfriend, and they want to learn more about me.
Later, Brittany hugs her parents, promises to see them tomorrow before they leave, and then she turns to me. She’s grinning like she couldn’t be happier.
“Can I say it now?” she asks as we walk to my car.
“Go ahead.”
“I told you so!”
“Yes, you did.”
Surprisingly, we’re both in a good mood tonight. It’s been forever, it feels like. Brittany’s energy is contagious. She leans up to kiss me before sliding into the car. The good of the day starts to fade away, dimming so fast it’s like it was never there. I refuse to let it take over so soon. I need more good. I need more of this brightness, so when the negative inevitably comes, I can have something good still on my mind.
When we get home, Brittany is still smiling. I manage to lift my lips, hoping it looks genuine. She must buy it because she snakes her arms around me, which gives me the perfect opportunity to lean down and kiss her neck. Sex is a good temporary distraction that will prolong the bad from crashing down on me.
“Let’s go to bed,” I say, lifting my head to look at her.
Am I imagining things or does her smile falter just the tiniest bit? It doesn’t matter because she nods and tugs on my shirt to start leading the way. Maybe she’s telling the truth and I can’t hide it as well as I think. That could be why I think I’m seeing things with her smile. But it doesn’t matter tonight. She’s still giving me what I want right now. I’m tempted to say what I need, but who the hell knows what I need.
I take that back. I only know of one thing I need.
Brittany.
And as she sheds her clothes and helps me get rid of mine, she gives me all of herself as she can when I could really use it. Damn, I’m lucky.
Sometimes when I get really bad off, every little thing pisses me off. Cuss words fly from my mouth like they are the only words that exist. My temper is quick to react to the simplest things that wouldn’t normally be a big deal. I’m irritable with all caps. These are the kinds of days when I should come with a warning label.
This is how I am when I wake up. I realize it when I’m annoyed simply because Brittany rolls over, accidentally elbowing me in her sleep. I don’t want to be angry with her all day. I don’t want her to have to deal with this me. With a glance at the clock, I realize she should be getting up anyway if she wants to have breakfast with her parents.
“Brittany,” I say as I poke her shoulder. She stirs awake and blinks sleepily at me. Her hair is all over the place, one strand thrown across her forehead. She’s beautiful and I love her, and I’m a dick for what I’m going to do, but I need to do it for myself, and for her. “You need to get ready to see your parents.”
She takes a deep breath and sits up to get out of bed. I chicken out of telling her now, deciding it will be best to tell her later before she leaves. While she showers, I get up to let Lily outside. The temperatures have been better than they were as spring starts to emerge. I take deep breaths of the outside air, but still find myself tapping my fingers against my leg as Lily seems to take her sweet time.
My mind is only thinking hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! Eventually, she makes her way back inside. I walk to the kitchen next to decide what I want for breakfast. Nothing looks good, so I settle on toast slathered with grape jelly. Brittany eyes me when she comes into the room to see me munching on it.
“That’s what you’re eating for breakfast? Do you want me to fix something before I go? Or you could come with me,” she suggests, coming over to me and resting a hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head. “I’m fine.”
“Okay. Do you want me to bring lunch back?”
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I clear my throat and keep my eyes on my toast. “No, and, um, maybe you should go to campus instead of coming here.”
Brittany is quiet for a beat too long. “Okay.” She leaves the room and a moment later, she has her bags on her shoulders. “I’ll talk to you later,” she says from the threshold of the room.
I look at her and nod. “Have fun.”
She gives me a small smile, and then she’s gone. Lily makes a small whining noise.
I lean down to rub her head. “She’ll be back another day,” I reassure her.
For now, though, it’s good that she’s not returning today. I finish off my toast and plop down in my recliner. I have two things I need to do. Let Lily out when she needs to go and sit in my recliner. That’s all I intend to do, too. Or maybe I’ll sleep as well. The TV can’t seem to find a happy medium with the volume. Lily can’t get still as she moves from each end of the couch, my lap, to the floor, and repeat all over again. I can’t get comfortable either. I can’t decide if I’m hot or cold, snatching the cover on and off my lap. And it all pisses me off. Why can’t just one damn thing go my way? Or be easy? Or simple? Or good?
Why?
My thumbs hover over the screen of my phone. What happened with Trace this morning is still bothering me. I understand that sometimes we need time to ourselves, but how he went about it is what unsettles me. Wouldn’t it have been better had he looked at me and said, “Britt, I just need to be alone today.” Instead, he refused to look at me and suggested I not come back.
