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She nods her head against my chest. We lie there in comfortable silence for a bit. I start to feel a bit of dampness on my shirt and I realize Brittany’s crying. Her breathing isn’t labored at all. I don’t hear any sniffles either. If it weren’t for that dampness, I wouldn’t have known.
“What’s wrong?” I ask quietly.
“I’m just frustrated with everything.”
There are so many ways I could respond to that, but none of them feel adequate or reassuring enough. Nothing I say is going to make her feel better. Nothing I do is going to make her feel better. I just keep doing what I’m already doing. Almost as if it’s inevitable, like when the temperatures naturally fall as the sun disappears among the horizon, we feel worse as the night wears on. We eventually go to bed early.
“Trace?”
“Just leave me alone, Brittany,” I say through my hands. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, my face in my hands with my elbows propped on my knees. I feel frozen. I feel dead. I feel too much and nothing all at the same time. I need peace. Just a moment of it. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s Saturday; I don’t have to leave the house. Why is it a bad idea for me to climb back into bed?
The house needs to be cleaned.
Lily needs to be let out.
Brittany is here.
It won’t help.
It could make it worse.
I should probably go grocery shopping.
But fuck it! Such simple things seem so daunting. I turn and get back under the sheets.
Brittany’s voice is soft and closer now. “C’mon, Trace. Get up. Please?”
“This is the one, calm warning I can give you. Leave me alone for a bit at least. I can’t. I just fucking can’t.” My anger seems to build and explode so rapidly. I sit up to look at her. “Can you get out? Just get the fuck out! All I want is some peace and quiet and to be alone. That’s all I’m asking for. Stop being so fucking selfish and needy and just get out!” I shout.
She stares at me with wide eyes. The color has drained from her face. I wish for anything that I could care, but I don’t. I just want her to get away from me. Unfortunately, she seems frozen in place.
“Get out!” I’m louder this time.
She jumps from the fury in my voice. She doesn’t hesitate to leave the room, letting the door slam behind her. I collapse on the bed, not feeling the least bit better. Big surprise there. She’d probably be better off without me. I’m obviously not doing a good job at treating her well, and I’m definitely not helping her get better.
Deciding that she should leave, I grab my phone and text her.
Me: Go back to campus. Calling the grinch.
Maybe if I use her phrase, she’ll listen. I can’t function today, and I can’t deal with her being in this house, but not near me because I don’t want her around. She needs to leave. That’ll be one less thing I have to worry about.
The door to my room swings open.
“I am not leaving you like this!” she shouts, now as angry as I am.
“Why? Why won’t you give me some damn space?”
“I can do that from another room. You wanted me to get out, I got out, but I am not leaving this house, Trace. You can yell and be mean to me all you want, but I’m not going anywhere.” She folds her arms over her chest and stares me down.
“That’s exactly why you need to leave!” I lower my voice and add, “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to deal with that.”
“Tough shit, Trace. Be mean, yell, tell me to get out, whatever. I don’t care. I’m not leaving you like this.” Without giving me a chance to say anything back, she swivels on her heels and leaves the room, slamming the door once again.
This is bad. She should be leaving. She should care. She can’t be worrying about me and putting herself at risk to be further hurt and get worse because my actions aren’t helping her. This is bad. This is bad. This is bad. Brittany doesn’t need to be here with me like this. What is she going to do? Stay in the living room all day with Lily? She could be doing other stuff. Somewhere else, I might add. Somewhere not so negative. Somewhere she doesn’t have to deal with an angry, depressed guy like me.
But if she wants to stay, fine. I roll onto my stomach, get comfortable, and close my eyes. If only I could shut off my mind that easily. I still haven’t called my dad. Despite how it’s been lately, I do have a good relationship with him. Well, I did. He probably isn’t too happy with me right now, not that I can blame him. I did the exact same thing to him as I’m currently doing to Brittany.
How can I be doing this to her? She’s the best thing in my life, I’m treating her like crap, and yet I can’t care enough to stop. I can’t get in control enough to stop. What’s it going to take for me to realize I’m bad for her? That I can’t help her like I thought I could? At what point are we making things worse for one another? I feel like that’s where we’re headed, if we aren’t there already. What are we supposed to do?
