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A rush of air leaves me at the sound of Dr. Gunner’s voice. The words begin to tumble out. “I can’t do this anymore and I’m scared because I can’t stop thinking about wrecking my car, and my fucking boyfriend just broke up with me, and I can’t do this anymore.”
“Brittany?” Dr. Gunner is one of those people with a clear tone to convey his concern. I can hear it in his voice now.
“Yeah.” I squeeze my eyes closed and try to stop crying, but I can’t.
“I need to you try to calm down, so I can understand what’s going on. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“What do you mean you want to wreck your car?”
“I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about crashing it.” I go into details about every thought I’ve had since the first bad one. “What am I supposed to do? I’ve never thought about anything like that before.”
“Where are you now?”
“Parked in the lot of some store.”
“Okay. On a scale of one to ten, how strong are the urges?”
“Depends. Ranges from six to nine depending on what I’m thinking about.”
“Here’s what I need you to do. I want you to stay on the line with me and drive to the hospital. You may hear me talking to someone else, but it’s just my assistant, Tiffany. You remember her, right?”
“Yeah,” I answer, switching my phone to speaker and blindly following his instruction to drive to the hospital.
“Good. She’s just going to let the hospital know you’re coming. I want you to keep talking to me, so I can know that you’re getting there safely. Do you want Tiffany to call your parents?”
“I guess,” I mumble.
“How far are you from the hospital?”
“About fifteen minutes, I think.”
“Great. I want you to drive carefully, take your time, and pull over if you need a break to just breathe or take a moment to get the thoughts tampered down.” His voice sounds a bit muffled and I assume he’s talking to Tiffany. After that, he talks to me constantly and gets me to respond every minute or so.
When I arrive at the hospital, I feel lost. “What am I supposed to do now? I’m here.”
“Go into the ER. They’re expecting you. Do whatever they ask you to do and be honest with them. Tiffany has called your parents and they said to tell you they are on their way and that they love you. I’m going to leave here and drive up as well, okay?”
The tears come faster at the mention of my parents. “Okay.”
He stays on the line until I’m inside the building. It’s not until an officer appears to lead me to another floor that I begin to worry. Why am I here? I’m not actually hurt. Why am I being admitted? My blood freezes when I ask the nurse.
Her eyes are full of pity as she places her hand over mine and says, “Honey, your psychiatrist is having you involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric ward. The officer is going to walk you up and leave you with a nurse who will get you settled in.”
“Wait. What? The psych ward?” Where the crazies go? That can’t be right. “What does it mean to be involuntarily admitted?”
“They’ll explain everything upstairs.”
The officer has run out of patience. “Are you ready?”
I nod, even though I’m not. I’m confused and tired and I just wanna lie down and cry. After being led upstairs, a nurse is waiting for me. She makes me change into these uncomfortable pants and shirt. She asks if I have any personal belongings on me and all I can hand her is my phone and car keys. I don’t have jewelry or a razor blade hidden somewhere. She tells me that an involuntarily admittance means an automatic seven-day stay here in the lovely psych ward while they watch me 24/7 to make sure I don’t kill myself.
She tells me that attending the group meetings is recommended and she explains how meals and medications are given out. She even tells me that I’m lucky because I’m in a room with a single bed. I don’t have a roommate. Yay me. The moment she leaves me alone with the door open, of course, I crawl onto the bed.
The sob-filled, gasping-for-air, full-blown meltdown begins. Every so often, I hear a nurse asking me a question as she checks on me, but I ignore her. My life is officially shit. I’m at rock bottom. I’ve lost my boyfriend and my mind, all in one day. How convenient.
Some time passes before I unfortunately hear a familiar voice.
