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But just as soon as she’s there, Brittany lets go and takes a few stumbling steps back, shaking her head nonstop. “Don’t do this to me, Trace,” she begs quietly. “I don’t trust you.”
My arms are empty without her and I’m overwhelmed with a sense of hollowness. The distance between us is short, but so fucking wide and vast. How am I ever going to convince her to come back to me? “Put up all the walls you want, and let me prove I’m willing to knock them down to regain your trust.”
Her head is still shaking. “I’m not strong enough.” As if to prove her point, she brushes past me and crawls back into bed. This time, the pillow does go over her head.
I can’t leave her. So, I walk around and get in bed next to her, lying on my side. I won’t talk. I won’t kiss her again. There was a time when my simple presence was a source of comfort for her. I want to give that to her again. She cries. She screams into her pillow and then cries some more. Hot, she throws the pillow across the room and kicks away half of the covers. I watch her settle into her other pillow, never opening her eyes.
Her breathing soon regulates into a normal pattern. Brittany surprises the hell out of me when she reaches her hand behind her as if searching for mine. I hold it out. Her fingers grasp my forearm tightly. She pulls it over while scooting a little closer to cradle it to her chest.
Then, she falls asleep.
Used to be, she didn’t get enough sleep. Now I’m wondering if she sleeps too much because she sleeps for six hours. I’m so stiff, hungry, and ready for a bathroom break, I don’t know what to do with myself. But I refuse to move until those eyes open and peer at me with mild surprise.
When her eyes do open, it’s not with surprise; it’s worse. Her face is void of any emotion. She pulls away from me and gets out of bed, standing as far away as she can manage without leaving the room. “Why are you still here?” Her tone is flat and monotone.
I sit up and prepare for a battle. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“Not unless your reason is to help weigh me down when I’m already struggling to stay afloat.” She folds her arms over her chest.
“I love you.”
Brittany laughs humorlessly. “Really? I didn’t realize that when you love someone, you break up with them and abandon them.”
I fully expected to have to fight to win her back. I knew she would be pissed and would still be angry with me, but I had no clue the fury would be like this.
“There is no way in hell I would take you back, Trace. I obviously don’t have the mindset to be in a relationship right now, and I for damn sure don’t have the mindset to deal with you. Please, do us both a favor and leave. You’re wasting your time.”
“Brittany,” I start, but she interrupts me, the emotions unleashing within her again.
“You left me, Trace!” Her voice cracks and her eyes become glassy. “You left me when I needed you. You have no idea what I’ve been through since then. No fucking clue, because you were selfish and broke up with me!” Brittany takes a short, quick breath and levels her voice before saying, “Don’t you dare come back into my life and expect anything more than hatred. I can’t forgive you.”
Then, I realize I’m missing something. She’s right. I don’t know what happened to her after we broke up, and something obviously did. “What happened?” I ask softly.
Her eyes harden. “Are you going to leave if I tell you?”
Reluctantly, I nod. Brittany walks out of the room and I follow after her. She opens the door and sweeps her arm for me to stand on the other side. I do. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s going to slam the door in my face the moment she’s done.
“Maybe you don’t remember or didn’t realize it because you were too far gone into your own head, but I was panicked when I came to see you that day. I was distraught and terrified, Trace. I went to you because I needed to tell someone, I needed someone to help me, and I needed that someone to be you. I get there and you break up with me for a stupid reason.”
She takes a shaky breath and continues. “So, I called Dr. Gunner as an emergency.” Her tears fall steadily now. “I couldn’t stop thinking about crashing my car, and it scared the hell out of me.” The earth shakes beneath me and I place a hand on the outer door frame to keep me steady. “He told me to go to the emergency room. I did. Considering that was something I hadn’t ever experi
enced before, he was concerned. So much so that they then involuntarily admitted me to the psych ward. That’s how I spent the week after our breakup.
“My parents had to take a week off work, so they could be nearby and visit me. That was not a fun experience. Forgive me if I can’t help but think of that every time I look at you.” With that, she does indeed slam the door in my face, leaving me reeling from her news.
My mind can’t even process this. No wonder she hates me. She was coming to tell me something huge, and I broke up with her before she could. While I was convincing myself I made the right decision and started to feel better, she was in the fucking psychiatric ward.
I hear sobs from the other side of the door. It sounds like she just slid down and started crying. Fucking hell. I can’t leave her like this. I can’t abandon her again. I turn the knob, finding it unlocked. Slowly, I push it open to find her hugging her knees to her chest. She looks up at me, cheeks flushed and wet with tears, and so much pain in those beautiful eyes. In all the years I’ve known her, never has there been what seems like an insurmountable pain in her eyes.
“Please go. I can’t deal with this.”
Ignoring her, I crouch down and scoop her into my arms. She automatically loops hers around my neck and buries her face into the crook. “Just let me hold you,” I beg in a whisper as I walk to her bedroom.
“I’m tired, Trace.”
The last time she said that to me rushes out of my memories. It was not a good time then, and it isn’t now. I lay her down and climb in next to her. My hunger from earlier is all but forgotten. Brittany closes what little space there was between us, and that small move gives me hope that all is not lost between us. It’s going to be a hell of a fight, though.
Within minutes, she’s asleep. It’s worrisome how much she’s slept today. It’s obvious that for her, I made the wrong decision. Maybe I could’ve done all that I have without her with her. I run my fingers through her hair, full of hate for myself. I’ve missed her so damn much. Every single day, I was focused on doing what I needed to do to fix myself so I could come back to her. It seems she’s spent that time hating me. Not that I can blame her at all.
