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I hate that she’s so disappointed, but I can deal with that in the long run. I don’t know why I didn’t think about bailing sooner. It took me waking up, feeling like shit, to make the suggestion. Which, I’m not sure she would’ve accepted any other excuse either.
With a deep breath, I get out of bed and head to the bathroom. Shortly after, I find Brittany eating a bowl of cereal in front of the TV while the news is on.
“Melissa is going with me,” she says over her shoulder in a flat tone. Ah, I’ve pissed her off. That’s okay. Once I’ve fixed my own bowl of cereal and have joined her, she adds, “I’m going to shower and head on over. She wants to go shopping. Is there anything you want me to do around the house before I leave?”
“No, that’s okay.” Either I’ll get to it all today or tomorrow. Plus, I don’t want to push it when I’ve already pissed her off.
She gets up as soon as she’s done eating and heads for the shower. I decide I’m going to suffer through how I feel. Life doesn’t stop for bad days. As long as it sticks to one day, I’m not going to complain about it. With everything I’m juggling, especially that of which Brittany doesn’t know about, I don’t need to add more to my plate.
I do feel somewhat guilty, but I’m reminding myself to look at the bigger picture. That’s what I tell myself when I sort of lie to her the next day about hanging out with Ben. When I tell her I’m working late, but I’m not. When I tell her I’m too busy to meet for lunch. Hopefully, she won’t think too much of it. I’m still taking her out, concert aside, and I’m still doing everything else like I should.
That’s what’s important, right?
Rebecca’s words did not get to me.
I
swear, they didn’t. Or maybe I’m lying to myself. But my anxiety has slowly been racking up, growing with each time Trace either cancels on me, tells me he’s too busy with work, or comes home late. I don’t know what, but something is going on. Not knowing what it is is starting to freak me out. I was pissed when Trace bailed on the concert. More because an event like that brings out some of my anxiety and it was a present he gave me that I was expecting to experience with him. But he didn’t seem bothered that I was mad.
That’s what got to me.
Not to mention he managed to get all the chores done. He did all those things when he probably didn’t want to, but he couldn’t go to the concert with me?
I haven’t said a word about any of it, though. I feel like a broken record when I tell Mrs. Potter what’s happening, but reiterate that I trust him. I still don’t think he’s cheating, but the man is doing something he doesn’t want me to know about and that worries me. What if he’s somehow fallen into his old habits? What if something serious has happened that he doesn’t want to tell me about? What if he’s doing something he shouldn’t?
Whatever it is, I don’t like it for the simple fact that he’s keeping something from me. He’s being sneaky for some reason. It’s making my anxiety go haywire. Either he’s truly sleeping through it, or he’s ignoring me when I get up in the morning to vomit. That’s how bad it’s gotten. I’m kinda glad he’s not waking up with me. I don’t want to have to answer his question about what might be causing it. I don’t want to lie about it.
It’s been two weeks and I fear I’m going to need an increase in dosage if he keeps on. I just hope whatever it is isn’t going to burn me. Not after I’ve worked through my trust issues and have become the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ll kill him if he’s up to something that could hurt me. But even if it’s not, I need to know what it is. I don’t like this. Not one bit. On top of all of that, I haven’t felt great. I’m not sure what it is, but something feels off.
Trace is running late again. I mean, so late that I’ve cooked dinner because I was hungry, damn it. I don’t believe his excuse that he’s working. He’s a therapist at an office with set work hours. Bull. Shit. I can’t sit in this house anymore.
“Want to go walk, Lily? Trace obviously isn’t going to go with us today.”
The dog perks up and runs for her leash. It rained earlier today, so it’s humid and sticky. Who cares? I’m going for a walk. These walks lately have been just Lily and me. It’s been a relief while also a source of frustration. I have too much time to think about what’s going on. Needing to talk to someone, I call my mom.
“Oh, my daughter must have something to rant about if she’s calling me before I can call her.”
I laugh. “You know me so well.”
“Yes, I do. What’s going on?”
“Trace is up to something,” I blurt out. “He’s supposedly working late, he’s working through his lunches, and we haven’t gone out but once since he bailed on me when we were supposed to go to the concert. It’s stressing me out.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing serious.”
“I don’t believe that,” I quickly reply. “Otherwise, he wouldn’t be sneaky. It feels like he’s keeping something from me.”
“Have you asked him about it?”
“No, because he should be the one telling me! I shouldn’t have to ask. If he doesn’t want me to know, he’s just going to lie anyway. I’d rather not ask than to ask and he give me a bullshit answer.”
“Do you think he would do that?”
“Maybe. All I know is whatever he’s doing is giving me serious anxiety. I’m nauseous all the time and I’m throwing up every morning. If I have to up my meds because of whatever he’s up to, I’m going to be even more pissed than I already am. And do you know what’s messed up? I feel bad for being pissed, but he shouldn’t be keeping anything from me. I thought he would’ve known better considering what happened before.”
“What does your therapist say?”
“She wants me to confront him, but she thinks he’s cheating on me. Freaking Rebecca.”
