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“Weekend before finals.” She frowns and I add, “I didn’t tell you because it was bad timing. I didn’t want you to worry about me when you had so much on your plate already.”
She nods, but she’s still not happy about it. “When did you decide to break up with me?”
“A few hours before I did it. All I could think about was how I was making you worse. How maybe your dad was right and my depression would affect yours. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I did what I thought would help us both. I knew you were panicked, but I figured it was over finals or something. I didn’t know it was something so serious.”
“That’s why you should’ve let me talk,” she snaps. “But then, you probably would’ve broken up with me a few weeks later anyway.” The tension leaves her as she focuses on Lily again. “It’s been good for you, I know, but it hasn’t been for me. I’ve done nothing but struggle this entire time. My longest good streak was a month, which is when I met Quinn.” Her mouth parts, but then closes. She swallows hard. “Have you seen anyone? Been with anyone?” Her question is hesitant.
“Not a soul,” I answer. That’s the truth. I haven’t been interested in anyone else. I haven’t even been on so much as a date. Brittany has consumed my thoughts since she ran off my porch last May. There’s no room for anyone else.
“Well, that makes me feel a little guilty.”
“It shouldn’t,” I quickly tell her. “There’s no reason to feel guilty, so don’t.” Do I like that she was seeing someone else? No. If she was truly happy, would I have found a way to let her go? Yes. Brittany accepts my answer. She doesn’t say anything for a minute. “What are you thinking?” I ask gently.
“I don’t know.” Her voice is soft and her eyes turn glassy. “I don’t know about this, Trace. I wasn’t lying when I said that I hated you or that I don’t trust you anymore. It hurt too much to lose you. I almost got two weeks instead of one at the psych ward because it took me a couple of days to leave my room.” Her tears fall freely now and it takes so much to keep myself from pulling her into my arms. “You had always been with me through this mess. Then, all of a sudden, you were gone. The person I went to, relied on, and depended on was gone. Hell, I’m still trying to cope. I don’t know how to take you back or if I should. I don’t know.”
My self-control diminishes. I cup her face, forcing her to look at me. “Take me back and I promise we’ll be together for good. I won’t walk away again. I’ll do anything to regain your trust and get rid of the hate. You let me in, and I’ll do the rest.”
Those brown eyes of hers are searching mine, trying to find my soul, and hoping like hell that I’m not lying to her. She wants to believe me, I can tell, but she’s still unsure. My gaze drops to her mouth, so close to my own.
“Don’t,” she whispers, snapping my attention upward. “It’s bad enough that you’re sitting next to me and touching me. Please don’t kiss me again.”
I rest my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry that I did this to you. Please, Britt, let me fix it.”
“What if we can’t be fixed?”
“We can be.”
She stares at me for a moment before nodding and pulling away. “I should go. I just wanted to ask those questions.” Brittany stands, turns, and looks back down at me. “No promises, but I’ll think about it.”
I nod. That’s all I can ask for. Lily and I watch her leave before heading inside.
“You’ve spoken to Brittany?” My therapist, Mrs. Kirk, isn’t really surprised. My plan this month was to reach out to Brittany. It just happened sooner since I ran into her at the event.
“Yes.”
“How’d that go?”
I half-laugh, half-scoff. “Okay, I guess. Every negative feeling she’s felt toward me since last year has built up. She says she hates me, but by the time we finished talking, she’s supposed to think about giving me a chance. It’s been a few days since then, and I haven’t heard from her.”
“What exactly happened when you saw her?”
I explain every little detail from when my eyes landed on her to taking her home to spending the following day with her. Mrs. Kirk purses her lips as she listens to me. When I finish, she eyes me for a moment before speaking.
“So Brittany is worse off with her depression and anxiety than before you left her, she has a lot of anger toward you for the pain you caused her, and she has even told you repeatedly that she hates you. You still think she’ll let you back into her life?” Mrs. Kirk raises a skeptical eyebrow.
“It’s not going to be easy, but yeah. She’s pissed at me and says she hates me. So what? She still loves me. That’s all that matters.”
“And if that’s not enough for her to come back to you?”
My jaw clenches as my hand grips my neck. “That’s not going to happen.”
Mrs. Kirk leans forward, resting her forearms on her desk. “You’ve been seeing me for a while, Trace. Every single session, you talk about Brittany. You’ve been focused on your last step of getting her back for two months. Not once have you ever entertained the idea that she might not take you back.”
“Because it’s not an option.”
“Sounds like it might be.”
I shake my head. “It’s not,” I force out. “She’ll come around. She just needs time. Don’t tell me to prepare for another outcome because this is the only outcome.”
