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“I’ve been thinking about this baby. And us.”
My eyes close from exhaustion and irritation. This is why she woke me up? “What about it?” I ask anyway.
She walks her fingers over my chest in random patterns. “I know I’m horrible to you, okay?” At this, I open my eyes. Was that real sincerity or fake sincerity in her voice? “I don’t know why I’m this way, but I want to be better. We’re about to start a family. Will you stick with me and help me get better?” The softness in her voice, it’s like she’s once again the Lila I first met.
And I’ll be damned if she doesn’t sound sincere enough to reel me back in like the sucker I am. “I’ll stick with you, babe.”
She kisses me softly, cuddles against me, and I’m able to doze back to sleep. I dream of a life where Lila behaves like someone I’d be glad to have a baby with. Her stomach is round with pregnancy, and we’re in the doctor’s office, waiting to find out the sex. But then, Idaline walks into the room and dream me steps away from Lila, torn.
A ghostlike version of myself seems to step out of my body and joins a similar version standing next to Idaline. They stand with their hands joined, looking at the situation as if they can’t figure out why my physical body is standing next to Lila and not next to Idaline. My eyes shift to Idaline who cries at the sight of my pregnant girlfriend and my position next to her. When she turns to leave, she takes the ghostlike versions of ourselves with her. That’s when I realize my soul was the ghost-looking figure and now I’m hollow and dead with Lila.
I wake up with a jolt. Lila is still lying all over me, but my mind is full of Idaline. My dream is foggy, but my mind seems to think it was all about her. I reach over to grab my phone, unplugging it and then entering my new password that Lila won’t ever guess unless she sees me enter it. It’s Idaline’s last name in numbers. She’d have to know it’s McAllister and then punch in the corresponding ten numbers. You also have to have my fingerprint. It’s a pain, but it’s worth it if I can get some privacy back.
I hold the phone up in the air above me to text Idaline, feeling the urge to check in.
Me: Hey. How are you? Any plans for your day off?
I switch my phone to silent so as to not wake Lila while I wait for a response. It comes quicker than I thought, but then again, it is ten in the morning.
Idaline: Going to try to break up with Daniel again today. I’m okay. Feeling really guilty about you know, even though I’m breaking up with him. How are you?
Me: Hung over. Slightly hopeful. Don’t feel guilty and don’t tell him, no matter what. Let me know how it goes.
Idaline: You know I will. I actually have a date tomorrow with this paramedic guy. He’s been flirting with me for weeks and asked me out yesterday. Figured if I said yes, that would force me to break up with Daniel. And just so we’re clear, I’m doing it because I want to and I think you’re right, not because you keep telling me to do it.
Me: That’s the only reason why I’d want you to do it, because you want to. Hope the date goes well.
I send the text just as Lila wakes up and smiles at me. My phone goes back on the nightstand. I wait for her to ask me what I was doing, but she doesn’t. Maybe she really was sincere about changing her ways last night. I can only hope she was.
Daniel insists on meeting at my apartment instead of somewhere public for us to talk. It’s as if he knows I’m planning to break up with him again and doesn’t want to make this easy for me. I spend most of the day cleaning my humble abode, but I also go shopping for a new outfit for my date tomorrow. Justin, the paramedic who asked me out, said we would be outdoors. What better excuse for shopping for cute, light clothing to handle the heat in than that?
But around six, Daniel shows up. I let him inside and to my kitchen table instead of the couch in hopes that it keeps it more formal. When he tries to kiss me, I turn my head so he kisses my cheek instead.
“What’s up? Do you want to go out tonight?” he asks.
“No, I don’t. As I tried to tell you the other day, I want to break up. This isn’t working for me.”
He stands, bracing his hands on the table as he leans on it. “Is there someone else?” The tone in his voice makes a little red flag pop up in my mind.
“No,” I answer calmly.
“Bullshit. It’s probably that guy you always text or call. You don’t quit a good relationship for no reason.”
“It’s not for no reason,” I insist. “We’re not working. I don’t want to be with you. The chemistry isn’t there.”
He watches me for a moment. “I still don’t believe you. You look pretty guilty to me. And I think we are working and there is chemistry.”
Maybe if I tell him I kissed someone else, it’ll make him give up and leave. “I’m breaking up with you because I don’t want to be with you and…” Please don’t let this blow up in my face. “I kissed someone else.”
One second I’m in my seat and the next, my chair falls back to the floor as I fly through the air, my back slams into the fridge, and Daniel has his hands around my throat. My feet dangle, the tips of my toes barely touching the floor. My lungs burn with the need to breathe. He’s going to snap my neck at any moment. I scratch at his hands and think to kick him, but he doesn’t budge.
“You fucking bitch. When you’re with me, you’re with me.” His grip is so tight that there’s already spots clouding my vision. I have a hard time concentrating on what he says, but the rage in his voice comes through loud and clear.
Just before I pass out, he lets me go. I collapse to the floor, coughing and inhaling large gulps of air as I hear him slam my front door closed. I pull my phone from my back pocket and dial FC.
“Hey, now isn’t a good time,” he answers. Music blares in the background and then it’s a lot quieter.
“He… He…” Tears run down my cheeks and I try to control my breathing.
