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“You’re welcome. Where to next?”
She leads me to a ring toss, in hopes that I can win her a fish. “You know,” she begins quietly, “maybe you should take up running or exercising.”
I glance at her in confusion in between my tosses. “Why?”
“You told me you smoked because of what it did for you. I’m assuming it gave you like a release. Maybe you should find something else, like exercising, that will help you find a healthier release to keep you from returning to your bad habits. You could attend meetings, too.”
No. Way. In. Hell. My grimace is answer enough as the lady comes over and hands a bag with a fish in it to Idaline, but unfortunately, she’s more focused on me right now. I place my hand on her lower back and lead her away from this game. “No, Idaline. I’m not spilling my guts about my problems to a room full of people. That won’t help me.”
“It might,” she tries.
“No,” I snap.
She doesn’t even flinch or seem hurt about my sudden influx of anger toward her. “What about a private counselor?”
I’m sure that will help me get custody of my kid. As soon as I think it, I dismiss it. Counseling does good things for people who want it and it might actually help me because I did reach out for help. If it does help, then I can prove that, too. I’m sure a counselor could help me with much more than my drinking problems, too. Idaline watches me with such hopeful eyes. She only wants to help. She only wants what’s best for me. I rest an arm over her shoulders. “Maybe,” I finally answer her. I want to talk it over with my parents to make sure I’m making the right decision and I need to make sure I can hide these appointments from Lila.
Idaline beams a smile at me. “I can accept a maybe.” She looks down at her fish. “His name is Mr. Fish. You should say hello.” She holds the bag up for me to see what I think is a betta fish. What happened to plain old goldfish?
“Hello,” I say to appease her. “How do you know it’s a mister?”
She shrugs. “Because I say so. Come on. We need cotton candy.” When I sigh as she drags me along, she says, “I know, FC. You hate cotton candy, but I’m sure there will be something there that you do like.”
She gets cotton candy, and because I haven’t had supper, she talks me into a burger and a funnel cake. Her stupid boyfriend texts her again and she’s all too happy to give him another update on our outing.
“We’ll have to go to the store for supplies and a home for Mr. Fish when we leave,” she says while we sit and eat.
“Why couldn’t you come up with a better name than Mr. Fish?” I ask.
“Says the man who won’t even tell me his own name.” She looks horrified for a second. “Does Lila know? I’ll kill you if she knows and I don’t.”
I laugh. “She doesn’t know.” Although she will if she ever looks at our baby’s future birth certificate.
Idaline points at me with her cotton candy. “Girlfriend or not, I’ve known you way longer, and I deserve to know before her. Don’t make me be sneaky and find out.”
“How would you find out?”
“I’m sure I can crawl through online birth records until I find all the Hart babies born in Wake County whose first names start with F and middle names starts with C.”
My muscles tense a bit. She has definitely thought about this before. “Do you already know my name, Idaline?”
She shakes her head. “No. I have more fun guessing, but I’ve been more than tempted a few times to look it up. I’d much rather guess or have you tell me.”
I relax, realizing that’s exactly how I’d prefer her to find out as well. It’s not that big of a deal, but we’ve been at it for twelve years with her trying to correctly guess my name. She’s never come close. Since I haven’t talked to her much, I decide I really need to check in on her. I force myself to ask about the last thing I want to think about. “How’s it going with Justin?”
Fuck me, she smiles immediately. “Really good,” she says. “He’s like this calming, but fun presence in my life. And yes, my head is okay. Mostly. I’m still having nightmares.”
“Nightmares?” I interrupt. She hasn’t said anything to me about nightmares.
Her hand reaches up to her neck and I immediately know what her nightmares are about. “I thought I told you,” she says with a frown. “Nightmares about Daniel.” Her eyes stray and she tenses until I’m not even sure she’s breathing anymore. “Can we go?” she spurts out. “We should get Mr. Fish settled.” Not once does she look at me.
I glance over my shoulder, but I only see lots of people. “What’s wrong?” I ask her.
“I don’t want to be
here anymore.” Idaline stands without waiting on me. I hurry to grab our trash, toss it, and run after her. Tears now run down her cheeks. I don’t understand what just happened. She hurries to open her car door and gently sets Mr. Fish down while opening the back door to throw in her monkey.
I grab her shoulders and pull her shaking body into my arms. “What’s the matter, Idaline?” I whisper in her ear.
