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I smile. “I can’t wait to get it.”
We say a quick goodbye and hang up. My only lifeline to her now is letters. I can’t help but wonder how long before Lila discovers my latest attempt to keep in contact with her and tries to destroy that too. The day I can’t talk to Idaline will be the day my soul dies.
Well, maybe not completely. I do have Sawyer to keep me powering through. He’s what’s most important right now. He has to be. Otherwise, everything I’m doing means nothing. I have to end up with full custody of him. That’s what’s best for him and nothing less will do.
After work, my mom calls to check on me, which is part of our new routine. Sometimes it’s my dad, but most of the time, it’s my mom.
“How are things going?”
“Getting harder, it seems.” My mind is still on Idaline.
Mom sighs. “I’m so sorry, FC. Just a few
more months and we can get the process started officially.”
“I know.”
“I do have good news for you.” She waits for me to ask what, but I can’t imagine what kind of good news she could possibly have. When I don’t respond, she says, “Everything you’ll need for the baby, we’ll have for you. We already have a crib and some other essentials. Your baby boy will be taken care of when you do leave her.”
“Thanks, Mom. He has a name,” I share, feeling a bit overwhelmed by their support and all they’ve done for me so far.
“Oh? Already?”
“Yeah. I decided on Sawyer Nash. Do you like it?”
She’s quiet for only a moment. “Sawyer Nash Hart,” she says quietly. “Yes, I do believe I like it. I’ll be sure to tell the rest of the family. Do you plan to call him Sawyer Nash or just Sawyer? It’ll be hard to reprimand him if you start off by calling him Sawyer Nash. You always knew when I was serious when I threw in your middle name.”
I laugh. “I knew you were serious any time you used my name, Mom. I’ll see what feels right when I meet the little guy.”
“You still sound so upset, FC. What happened?”
I haven’t brought up Idaline to my parents in twelve years since we first did the assignment. Would they even remember her? Should I tell them?
“FC?” Mom questions again.
“Do you remember Idaline McAllister?” I hold my breath to see if she recalls her by name alone. Back when we were first writing one another, I talked freely about her; I was too excited about this new friendship not to.
I can imagine my mom frowning, her brows furrowing as she tries to place the name with a face she’s never seen. Mom’s always been better with faces. “Wait a minute,” she says. “Do you mean that girl who was your pen pal in school?”
“Yeah.” And everything comes pouring out. How we never stopped talking. How we finally met. The kiss. How Idaline believes in soulmates. How Lila found out about me going there instead of to a hotel and now demands that I stop talking to her because she believes I’m cheating on her. I’ve lost my best friend except for when we write to one another and my soul, it already aches from the loss. My lifeline, my heartbeat, my light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed so much that I don’t know if it’s real or if I’m hallucinating.
“Oh, FC,” Mom says quietly with so much sorrow in her voice. “You sound like…” Her voice trails off.
“What?”
“Like you’ve lost the love of your life. If you feel that way about Idaline, why would you ever get together with Lila or anyone else?”
As I now sit in the parking lot of our complex, I hate my answer. I hate for being foolish and stupid and safe. “I don’t know how she feels. I thought we were just best friends.” I run a hand over my face. “It doesn’t matter now. I need to focus on Sawyer and Idaline has a boyfriend she seems to be happy with anyway. Look, I’m home and if I don’t go on up, tonight will be even worse. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
She tells me to be strong, call her if I need her, and then we hang up. With a deep breath, I make my way inside. Lila has dinner ready, but she holds her hand out expectantly when I get close.
“What?” I ask.
“Your phone. I want to see it.”
What’s the point in fighting her anymore? If I do, she’s admitted she’ll keep me from my son and who knows if she’ll do something to actually harm him. I take my phone out and remove my passcodes. I thought I was in hell before, but my gut tells me things are about to get a hell of a lot worse.
“Who was she?” Lila asks once I’ve sat down and she’s satisfied that I haven’t been in contact with her today.
