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“FC, you’re off to a good start already by being concerned for Sawyer. If you were unfit, you wouldn’t care. You’ll be a good father, FC. If only because I raised you to be a good man and you were raised by a good father.” He chuckles at that last part and that makes me smile.
“Thanks, Dad. If I’m not stressed from Lila, I’m stressed about what’s to come with Sawyer.” If I ever have peace in my life again, I won’t know what to do with it.
Dad and I talk as I address the box and then pop it into my trunk to wait until Monday when I can go to the post office. I sit in the parking lot of the store I was in last and talk to him, enjoying the fact that Lila isn’t anywhere around and isn’t bothering me today since she’s with her friends. After talking to Dad, I talk to Mom as I drive home.
I’m in the kitchen, eating dinner, when Lila walks in. She immediately pulls something out of a bag and I eye what’s in her hand, hoping it isn’t what I think it is. Because if it is, my life just became worse than hell. It confirms my death. There’s no way I’m surviving until Sawyer’s birth.
My eyes flick away from the object to Lila. To her smirk, raised eyebrow, and bright eyes.
“What the hell is that?” I force myself to ask.
“A whip.” She cracks it. The whip looks to be about two feet long and then has a bunch of little tails dangling from it. “Try pissing me off now, FC.”
I won’t have to worry about killing her because she’ll kill me before I have the chance.
Sawyer. I can’t trust her with my baby. I have to suck it up until she has Sawyer and then we’ll run like hell.
I wipe away a few tears and look up at my therapist, Mrs. Judith. FC’s letter has been crumpled over and over and the wrinkled paper shakes in my grasp. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it, but this is the first time she’s hearing it.
“What am I supposed to do? There’s mixed signals, right?”
Mrs. Judith nods and sighs. “You won’t like my suggestion.”
“Maybe not, but I don’t know what to do.” It’s been so stressful waiting for this letter, not knowing if I would ever get a letter from him. Now that I have it and I’ve read FC’s wishy-washy words, I don’t know what to do. My initial reaction is to keep writing him, no matter what, but Mrs. Judith asked me to let her know as soon as I heard from FC. That’s one reason why I’m sharing his letter with her.
“I think you need to let him go,” she says, causing all the air to disappear from the room. “Maybe not for the rest of your life, but for the foreseeable future. Your friendship with FC is turning toxic for you right now. He obviously has something going on in his life that he doesn’t want you to know about and it’s worrying you entirely too much. I’ve watched you come in here every session since you sent your last letter to him, and each time you return, you look worse.”
She gives me an apologetic frown. “He’s not good for you right now, Idaline. You’re thinking entirely too much about what may be wrong in his life, why it takes so long to hear from him, and so on. A break will do you some good and provide some distance I think you need. And it doesn’t help that you know Justin doesn’t want you talking to him in the first place.”
This past month or so? That is the longest FC and I have gone without talking in our entire twelve years of friendship. To think about purposely not talking to him? My soul shrivels and runs to hide. This doesn’t seem right, and I remember that morning he came to say goodbye to me. And I quietly say, “He told me I’m the only person he’s ever known that he can never live without. How can I abandon him?”
“It’s not going to be
forever,” Mrs. Judith reminds me. “And this is for your sake. I need you to think of how hard it’s been on you lately. Taking a break will alleviate some of your stress. It may also be good for FC, so he can truly focus on whatever’s going on in his life, and when things have calmed down for him, you’ll know because he said he’ll reach out to you.”
“I’ll think about it,” I promise.
She changes the topic, asking what plans I have for my first Christmas with Justin. I’m both looking forward to it and not. It’ll be exciting, but so freaking busy. Both of our families are doing something on Christmas Eve, which means we’ll be running around all day. For a person like me on my best day, that’s tiring. We got through Thanksgiving, where I made a much better impression on his family. We can get through Christmas.
FC and another holiday with Justin aren’t the only things stressing me lately. I also switched from the dayshift to the nightshift at work. The transition has not been smooth. My appointment with Mrs. Judith was early this morning, soon after my shift ended, so now, I get to drive home and sleep for the better part of the day.
I smile when I approach my front door and see a bouquet of various flowers in a vase. After I unlock the door, I pick them up and pluck out the card.
Idaline,
I hope these make you smile. See you tonight before your shift.
Justin
I set them on the kitchen table, text a huge thanks to Justin, and move to my bathroom for a quick shower. We haven’t been able to spend as much time together since my switch to nightshift, but our relationship is still working. I question things here and there, more so this past month since I’ve been obsessed with waiting on hearing from FC. The question I frequently ask myself is how do I know if Justin and I are truly meant to be together?
No answer ever comes, but I’m reminded every time I’m with him how easy things are. Not that we don’t have hiccups or arguments, but even during those times, it happens, and then it’s over, and we’re back to normal. Everything’s easy. Smooth. That’s a good thing to have, right? Besides, I am happy. I just wish I wouldn’t second-guess myself so often.
My sleep is peaceful thankfully, and I wake up to a soft kiss on my cheek. When I open my eyes, I’m relieved it’s Justin. There’s always a moment of panic that it might be someone else, but it’s always been him ever since we exchanged keys to our apartments.
“Hey, sweetheart.”
“Hey. I guess it’s time for me to wake up?”
