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I throw the pills at her, narrowly missing her head, which was my intention. “What the fuck is wrong with you? YES! It would be the worst goddamn thing in the world, Lila! What happened to how you didn’t want a baby? You don’t go around and stop taking your birth control. That’s how you trap a man and that’s not fucking right!”
“Stop yelling at me!” she shouts. “And don’t you ever throw something at me again or it’ll be the last time you do it.”
“That’s all you have to say?”
“Yes.”
Unbelievable.
I turn on my heel and head for the door.
“Where are you going?” she yells, running after me.
“To buy you a pregnancy test and to stop by a church to pray like hell it’s negative.” I can not be tied to this woman for life. I can’t. No way in hell. And one thing is for sure, I’ll never have sex with her again. Not after this. She can beat me until I’m within an inch of my life and I’ll tell her she can finish me off because I still won’t have sex with her. What kind of person does that? It was bad enough all the things she did before, but this is too much. To purposely try to bring a life into our fucked up world?
I nearly have to pull over and throw up again. Instead of two stops, I make three. To the store for a pregnancy test. To the liquor store for a bottle of tequila. And to a church parking lot to pray and start drinking. I’m going to need all the help I can get to get through the agony of waiting to find out if she’s pregnant or not.
When I return to the apartment to find Lila drinking a glass of wine, I snatch it out of her hands. “Don’t you dare fucking drink when there’s a chance you’re carrying my baby.”
Her eyes narrow. “It really pisses me off when you drink and I don’t.”
“Well, you better hope you aren’t fucking pregnant then.” I toss the bag at her and point to the bathroom. I sit on the couch while she leaves to take the test. My tequila is my one and only friend right now. My hands shake with fury and nerves. My stomach is ready to revolt with disgust that I might have a baby with this woman. The tequila tries its best to suppress everything.
After god only knows how long, Lila walks back into the room with a smile on her face.
“You’re not pregnant?” I ask, relief already lifting my spirits.
“You’re going to be a daddy!” she squeals happily.
Dread chokes me. The bottle falls from my hands. All I can do at first is shake my head. This can’t be happening. Lila takes a step toward me and I stand. “Get the fuck away from me.”
“Why aren’t you happy? We’re going to have a baby!”
“Look at us, Lila! You’re…you! We’re alcoholics. We don’t have a good relationship and now, you…” I can’t deal with this anymore. I turn and leave, ignoring her shouts, when she grabs my arm to make me stay, when she punches me in the back because I’m not listening, and when she slaps me as I’m getting on the elevator because I’m leaving despite what she wants.
I call Idaline.
“Hey, Ferguson Charles.”
“No. Can I come see you?” I need someone to ground me. I need to get away from here, but I can’t go home and Idaline is my best bet right now.
“Now?” she replies with surprise.
“Now. Please, Idaline.”
“Yes, of course. Come on.”
Considering I’ve already driven while consuming alcohol tonight, and I drank some more, I don’t want to get behind the wheel again. I use an app to request a ride, not caring how much it may cost to pay someone to drive me all the way to where Idaline lives in South Carolina. It’s only an hour away. Someone can fucking take me or I’ll walk.
Lila blows up my phone with calls and texts the moment I get into the car. I block her, so I can have some peace for a while. My body itches for a smoke or more alcohol, but it’s bad enough that I’m showing up to Idaline’s in this condition. The hour passes too slowly. Lila’s having a baby. I can never leave now. How could I leave my child with her? How could I have ever let myself sleep with her without a condom? This is my fucking fault.
That poor baby will come into this world with shit parents and it’s my fault. I don’t even want the baby. What am I going to say to him or her when they grow up and ask what my reaction was when I learned they were coming into this world? Sorry, kid, but I never wanted you. Not even when I found out you were coming. I even had the horrible thought that I should try to convince your mom to abort you because she’s a wicked witch and I’m a dumb horrible person who allowed this to happen.
My throat constricts, threatening to strangle me from the inside out. When I finally arrive outside of Idaline’s apartment, I pay the driver and walk up to her door. I knock before I can think about turning back.
The door swings open and for a moment, everything falls away. My beautiful Idaline is stunning in person. Her hair seems wavier, her light green eyes more vibrant. Her body is definitely more defined and three-dimensional.
“FC?” she whispers, breaking me out of my trance. “Do you want to come in?”
