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“I’m trying to find out. We were on the sixth floor; I’m trying to get to her.”
But by the time I reach Lila, a few neighbors from the complex have joined me. A man shakes his head. She’s dead. I killed her. Panic swoops down and grips my heart. Blood covers her entire shirt and runs down the fence. So much blood.
The man tries to ask if I’m okay, apparently having seen the entire thing. An ambulance and cops soon swarm the complex, along with some firefighters as they work to carefully remove Lila’s body. Paramedics check on me, but are only able to tell the cops what I already know. A panic attack drowns my senses.
My chest aches, my arms are numb, and I can’t breathe. I hear the cops talking to the man who said he witnessed me killing Lila. Hearing him recount the details makes me want to vomit.
And then I hear, “Idaline! Idaline! Let me through!”
With wobbly legs, I stand and follow the sound of his voice. FC frantically looks around the cop who blocks his entrance until he sees me. He ducks under the yellow tape and runs to me with the officer chasing behind him.
“Are you okay? What happened?” He cups my face so gently and asks me with such concern that I burst into tears. FC stills and I can only imagine what he spots. “Is that Lila?”
I turn to see the stretcher with the white blanket over it and nod.
“Sir, you can’t be back here,” the officer breaks in.
“I’ll leave, but she’s coming with me.” He holds onto me tighter.
He sighs and leaves. FC holds me in his arms without saying a word. Unfortunately, the officer left only to get his supervisor. Before he can speak, FC produces a note that was apparently left on his car from Lila. Her intent was clear. I should be in the clear because what happened was a result of self-defense, but I still have to talk to them.
By the time I’m free to go, FC is escorting me to his car.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “I didn’t mean to. How can you and Sawyer ever forgive me?” I mean, I know Lila wasn’t the best person in the world to him, but she did give birth to his child. What if Sawyer one day wants to talk to her or something and FC allows it? He no longer has that option because of me.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Idaline. It was an accident. We don’t have to forgive you. You made sure you survived; that’s what matters.”
I shake my head in disagreement. “You didn’t see her on the fence. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. What if Sawyer asks about her and wants to meet her one day? Now he can’t.”
“Maybe I’m a shit human being, but I’m relieved she’s gone. It means I don’t have to deal with her bullshit anymore. Her stalking me and fucking with my mind. I can rest easy knowing for sure that she’ll never negatively affect my son. Please, love, don’t feel bad about this. It was an accident that ended her life, but she was trying to end yours.”
I don’t know that I can so easily dismiss it as he is. Every time my eyes close, even for the briefest of seconds, I see her on the fence.
“I was about to call you and ask why you’re running so late,” Nana says as we walk in. She picks up Sawyer and turns to face us. “What happened?”
“Lila’s dead,” FC says plainly. “She attacked Idaline and when Idaline pushed her away, she fell over the ledge outside her apartment and landed on top of a fence, which killed her on impact.” He recounts the details as if they mean absolutely nothing.
Nana hands Sawyer to FC and comes to hug me. “It’s okay, Idaline. You’ll be all right.” Her soft, sweet words cause me to break down into tears again.
“Tell her it’s not her fault and she has nothing to be sorry for,” FC says.
“She went through something traumatic, FC. Give her some space,” Nana scolds him. “Be more sympathetic toward her.”
“I feel terrible,” I mumble.
“Of course you do, dear. Someone lost their life today. But it’ll be okay. Maybe you should lie down and relax for a bit.” She leads me to FC’s bedroom and makes sure I crawl into bed and get comfortable. “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here.”
“Thanks.” I wipe my eyes as she leaves the room. I try to sleep. I do. Exhaustion wraps around me like a snug cocoon. But when I close my eyes, I see Lila with a pointed piece of iron poking out of her chest and blood spreading all over, her head hanging backward with eyes wide open with fear.
My fingernails constantly dig into my inner elbow. I must check to see if this is reality and not some nightmare. The pain pierces my skin each time. Eventually, I doze off, but it’s not any better than being awake. My dream takes me down a worse path than reality. Lila and I argue over FC. I purposely shove her, wanting this craziness to end, and I lean over to see her screaming and clutching the iron spike piercing her through the heart.
FC grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me and yelling at me. “How could you do this? She’s still important to me! She’s my son’s mother! You killed her! I hate you!” The more he yells, the louder Lila’s screams ring in my ears.
“Idaline! Idaline!”
I bolt upright, gasping and sweating, to find a concerned FC sitting on the edge of the bed next to me. Without hesitation, he pulls me into his arms.
“You’re okay.”
