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I leave Mr. Tucker’s office feeling a little less guilty and hopeful that because of that, I won’t have any nightmares tonight.
I expect my parents and maybe even my nana to say something about my decision not to attend Lila’s funeral, but no one says a word, which is relieving. I willingly explained myself to Idaline; I don’t want to explain myself to anyone else again. Not only that, but it’s ultimately my decision.
A week goes by. Idaline only comes by once or twice and the rest of the time, she claims she’s too tired from work or anxiety to stop by. But all it is is she’s still struggling with what happened to Lila. She’s closed me off some, but not completely. I plan to correct this very soon. But I’m stunned when I get a call Friday after work from Lila’s mom, Karen.
“How are you?” I ask after we’ve said hello.
“I’m doing okay. I hope you’re not upset that I called, but I have something to ask.”
“What is it?”
“I know my daughter wasn’t good to you. I know you told my husband and me that we could see Sawyer, but Lila went a bit crazy anytime we mentioned calling you. Now that she’s,” she chokes up a bit, “gone, I was hoping we could come visit Sawyer.”
What’s sad is that I can believe Lila is what stood in the way of them being in Sawyer’s life. My answer to her isn’t based on anything other than my word I once gave them. “I have no problem with that, Karen. How about you come visit on Sunday?”
“We would love that. If we plan on being there around noon, is that okay?”
“That sounds fine.”
We talk for only a minute or so longer before hanging up. I immediately call my parents to tell them the news. After that, I text Idaline and tell her she’s spending the night at my house tonight. I don’t plan on taking no for an answer. I cook dinner while Sawyer walks around and babbles almost as loud as he can. Idaline doesn’t text back, which worries me until just as dinner finishes, there’s a knock on the door.
Sawyer does a wobble run to the door and I follow behind. Thank all that is holy, Idaline stands on the other side. Sawyer grabs onto her scrub pants leg and tugs. She looks down at him with her exhausted, tired eyes.
“Hey, Sawyer.” She bends down to pick him up. “Have you missed me? I’ve missed you.” She kisses his cheek, earning a smile. Those beautiful eyes land on me. “Thank you for making me come over. I’ve missed you too.”
“Well, come on in. You’re just in time for dinner.” I take her bag from her and drop it off in my room. When I return, we sit and begin to eat dinner. Sawyer, of course, has to throw in a few nom nom’s. I decide to bring up the hard subject right off the get-go by telling her about Karen’s phone call.
“That’s nice that Sawyer will get another set of grandparents in his life.” And then she falls silent. That won’t do.
“How are you doing, love? And be honest, because I won’t believe you if you say fine.”
Idaline sighs. “I’ve been emailing Mr. Tucker a lot, so I’m still working through what happened, but the nightmares just won’t go away. That’s it.”
Except if she hadn’t said those last two words, I would’ve believed her. But now it sounds like she’s trying to convince me that nothing else is going on.
“I’m here for you, so let me be. What else aren’t you telling me?”
“I moved,” she squeaks.
“What?”
“I couldn’t be there.” A touch of hysteria enters her voice. “I couldn’t keep walking past where I pushed her or see where she died. It was too much. My lease was only a month to month, so I didn’t lose out on too much money.”
“How could you not tell me that? And let me help you move?”
And then she looks a bit ashamed. “Your dad helped me.”
Anger begins to swish and flow throughout my body. “Why are you keeping secrets from me?” I’ve talked to her every day this past week. She could’ve told me at any point. I don’t like this version of Idaline and just as I realize I’m a hypocrite, Idaline does too.
“Don’t you dare talk about keeping secrets with me, FC. I waited three years to learn about all of yours. You didn’t even wait a week. I’m struggling, FC. Just like you were. I was almost always understanding with you and this is how you treat me when the situation is reversed?”
My heart shatters when a tear graces her cheek. “You’re right and I’m sorry. Obviously, I’m not as great being on this side of things as you were. But I want to help you and I can, and you aren’t coming to me. You went to my dad, Idaline. I want you to come to me.” Sawyer throws a piece of food at me with a shout which breaks the tension. “Hey, we don’t do that,” I tell him. He only does it when he’s full and no longer wants more food.
So, I stand to remove his food from in front of him and refill his sippy cup. He’s happy once more.
“I’m sorry,” Idaline tells me softly. “Everything is hard right now and it’s no surprise I’m not making the right choices.”
“I understand that,” and I do. “Just let me be there and deal with it as well.”
