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“I’m sorry. About everything. I love you so much.”
I roll over to face him. “I love you too.”
“You add so much to my life; I don’t know why I’m trying to fuck that up. But after this morning, it was like a trigger to release all those memories I locked away and I couldn’t get rid of them. I’ll get counseling, I promise. I want to be better equipped to deal with whatever comes our way and to make sure I can handle any other negative effects Lila left behind.” He rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes as if it’s too much of a hassle to keep them open.
“You’re the strongest person I know, FC. If anyone can overcome what happened, it’s you.”
His smile is small, but it’s great to see it anyway. He kisses me. That one simple act causes me to completely relax. It’s as if he’s confirming what I told him: that everything will be okay. I want to fall into his kiss. Disappear into the heady sensation it gives me. Drown in the feel of his hands running over my body and the weight of him rolling on top of me.
He whispers he loves me and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. But I would know that even if he never told me because he shows me with his actions and his touch. I won’t lie, though, when I say it’s nice to hear it. We undress and passion, need, and desire unleashes from within us the moment our bare skin touches one another. Things move so fast and feel deliciously good that it’s almost as if we come to a completely torturous stop when FC slows things down.
This seems like exactly what we need right now. This deeper connection to remind ourselves how amazing we are together, what we’re fighting for, and exactly how much we love one another. Afterward, when we’re lying naked above the covers, cuddling together with contentment, FC kisses my forehead.
“I’m hungry. We should probably get Sawyer, too.”
“Okay.”
Neither of us make a move to get up, however.
“I like your apartment,” he says a few moments later.
“Thanks. I think I like it better than the old one, even before all that happened over there.”
FC sits up. “I’m glad. I need to see my son, Idaline. Do you want to get ready?”
There’s no way I’ll say no. We get ready and head for his parents’ house. About halfway there, we realize I don’t have a carseat for Sawyer, but FC says we’ll just borrow the one his mom has. Unfortunately, the moment his dad sees FC, he realizes something has happened. That FC doesn’t look like his normal self. The remnants of his hangover show all over his face and in the way his body moves.
“What happened?” Rick asks him.
“Nothing.” FC shrugs him off as he picks up Sawyer who rapidly crawls to him upon hearing the door open.
His father looks at me and then back to FC. “We aren’t about to tolerate lies now, FC.”
“I’m fine, Dad. I’ll take care of myself and do what’s necessary to make sure it’s less likely to happen in the future.”
“You can trust him,” I say since it doesn’t appear he does right now. Smiling, I add, “If you really need to worry, I’ll tell you.” I almost expect to get a look from FC after saying this, but I don’t. He only nods in agreement.
Rick gives in. He updates FC on how Sawyer was, helps us switch the carseat to my car, and then off we go. We have a nice rest of the day with Sawyer. I hang around for a long time before heading home, just to make sure he’s good and solid. I definitely won’t be around tomorrow when Lila’s parents come to visit Sawyer. I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I ever will be, but I know for sure that I’m not right now.
When I go to therapy Monday, the main takeaway is that when I head to my next appointment upon leaving him, I ask for something to help me sleep. I’ll see my new psychiatrist for the first time and Mr. Tucker thinks that I might need something to help me sleep and tackle what he’s calling night terrors. I’m not so sure how I feel about all of this, but I go along with it. We have a pretty good session and he even says that if FC calls to his office and makes an appointment, he’ll get him in to see another therapist who works there.
I didn’t say this to Mr. Tucker, but sleeping pills scare me. A pill that knocks me out so deeply I’m out like a light and who knows what is going on and what side effects I may endure during that time. My psychiatrist doesn’t even cover the side effects, which may be for the best. I don’t want to know and prematurely freak out. All she tells me is if I notice any major differences or anything that concerns me to call her immediately. That works for me.
I text FC about the news before I go to work. It should be a good week. As much as it can be with anxiety problems, sleeping issues, and relationship kinks.
“Every time I see you, you look like shit,” Teddy tells me shortly after I arrive for work. “Is that man of yours keeping you up or is something serious going on?”
“Just dealing with something personal. Don’t you know it’s not nice to tell me I look terrible first thing when you see me?”
Teddy nods. “I know, but I can’t count on your boyfriend telling you the truth. You need at least one man in your life being completely honest no matter what.”
I shake my head at him. “I don’t need honesty.”
He shrugs and we keep on working. Maybe those sleeping pills won’t be so bad. I can get more sleep and look like I’m not running on fumes. I will be sleeping over at FC’s just until I’m certain I won’t be having any negative side effects. We’re having a date night tonight and honestly, I’m quite excited for it.
It doesn’t matter what it is or what we do. But a night out sounds like exactly what we need. I work through the day before driving home for a shower and to change clothes. A nap sounds great about now, but that’s not on the to-do list unfortunately. FC arrives shortly after I finish getting ready. His smile is better today, though not lighter.
He kisses me and then asks about my day as we walk to his car.
