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“Then find us a pen and paper and we’ll write something.”
Idaline’s eyes light up. A few minutes later, we’re writing letters to one another. I’m still in the bedroom, but Idaline found it too weird to write next to me, so she moved to another room.
Idaline,
I wasn’t really prepared to write anything today, so I’m not sure what I’ll end up saying. I do think this is a great idea of yours. I’ve always felt I could say anything to you, but that is especially true when writing a letter. Is that true for you too? It’s as if having this blank page allows for endless opportunities to write down the even the darkest of truths.
I’m sure you know all of my truths already. I love that we have that kind of relationship. I know I’ve told you before that I couldn’t live my life without you, and that is especially true now. You help hold me up, take care of Sawyer, and constantly remind me of all the reasons for me to stay on track and work harder to be better than the day before.
I’ll admit it isn’t easy to stay sober. The thirst is there every day and more prominent when I’m stressed. The temptation to slip into this person I don’t want to be has been strong at times. But I think about Sawyer and I think about you. That’s enough to pull me through.
Thank you for moving here and thank you for being the strongest person I know. I have no doubts that I would be worse off without you. You bring so much light into my life. Sawyer has no clue yet how much he’s going to love what you’ll bring to his life, too. I can so clearly see our future, it’s a bit scary.
Sawyer has you as a mom. Maybe you’ll move in when your lease is up. Or we can find a place of our own, whatever you want. We’ll get married in a few years. Maybe we’ll give Sawyer a little brother or sister after that. We’ll spend time together. Maybe take the kids on a little trip or two. Have a few more kids. Like five? How does that sound? Let’s make a bunch of little yous and mes until we can’t handle their adorable rottenness.
But there’s time for that. Don’t think I want to knock you up right now. The three of us still need some time alone together. I’m just saying that’s our future, love. I hope you’re ready for it.
Love you to the ends of the world,
FC
Just as I write my name, and feel kind of silly about it, Idaline peeks her head in.
“Done?”
“Yeah. Get back over here and let’s read them.”
She takes her sweet time walking over and crawling onto the bed. Once she’s settled, we exchange letters and begin to read.
FC,
Thank you. Thank you for indulging me as often as you do. Thank you for helping me through my hard times and being the one person I can always count on. I’m so happy I’ve moved here and despite what’s happened, I wouldn’t change the fact that I’m here and you no longer have to deal with Lila.
But, and I feel bad for saying this, do you wonder if we’re too messed up for one another? Part of me feels like we benefit each other more, yet another part feels like maybe we’re only a hindrance to ourselves and our relationship. Maybe this is all my fault because I had this idea of us all built up in my head and reality proves to be tougher on us than I ever knew possible.
There’s just this little voice in the back of my mind that wants to strangle my soul. Convince it that we aren’t soulmates. Convince it that my soul wraps so tightly around yours, it’s killing you and causing you to suffer and vice versa. I keep thinking about how we worked so well together before I moved here and now, it’s as if we can’t stop the boat from sinking with all of our problems.
I love you so much, FC. Sometimes, I worry we love each other so much that we can’t see that maybe we aren’t good for one another. That somehow we’ve mistaken ourselves and cause more harm than good. I don’t know why I can’t get this out of my head, but maybe now that I’ve written it down, I can stop thinking about it and forget I ever thought it.
Love, Idaline
“What the fuck is this?” FC asks with confusion and hurt, clasping the letter angrily.
That was the reaction I was afraid of. Before I can respond, FC snatches his letter out of my hands.
“I write you this positive, awesome letter and you give me this shit about how we’re basically toxic for each other? What the hell, Idaline? Where is this coming from? We aren’t bad for one another!” he shouts as he gets out of bed to pace. He glances down at the letter, skimming those damning words. “First, you tell me moving here is the best decision and then you talk about how I apparently didn’t live up to your expectations once we fucked and then you say, ‘I keep thinking about how we worked so well together before I moved here and now, it’s as if we can’t stop the boat from sinking with all of our problems’? So, we don’t work well together? Fucking how do we not? Damn it, Idaline!”
Why couldn’t I write a letter like his? Why did I have to go and admit a fear?
“Why do you fucking think we’re bad for each other?” he snaps. “After all this time, Idaline, all this time of working toward being right where we are and you’re going to second guess us? Hesitate about the only thing that has ever felt right in our lives? Has always felt right?” He shakes his head. “I can’t believe you would do this to me.”
FC turns and I hurry to follow him out of the bedroom. “Wait, FC. It’s not as bad as it sounds.”
He whirls around and shoves the letter at my chest. “Maybe you should read what you wrote and then see if you want to say that again.” He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter and walks to the door.
“Where are you going?” I holler. “You’re half naked!” He’s only wearing gym shorts.
“I’m going to my parents’. You should go home,” he says as he walks out of the apartment, and then he slams the door behind him.
