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“Not really, but I’m heading home.”
I offer to stand to hug her goodbye, but she doesn’t want me to disturb Idaline, which is funny considering she wants me to wake her so we can go home. I wait another thirty minutes before waking her and dragging her home.
“How do you feel about today?” I ask as I drive us home.
“Good. I’m glad everyone seemed to get along and that Karen and Bobby don’t seem to hate me.”
“I told you they wouldn’t,” I can’t help but point out with a smile.
“I know, but it’s good to know for sure, you know?”
“Right. Now you have that hurdle over, too. No more anxiety when it comes to seeing them or worrying about not being here to avoid them. We can all move on.”
“That sounds nice. It feels like we can put our past officially behind us now, doesn’t it?” she asks with a quiet sign of hope in her voice.
“Yeah, I think so.” To have everyone together like they were today? Happily getting along and acting like a family? It’s as if our pasts aren’t running our future even a tiny bit anymore and we’re firmly in the present and heading for a fun future.
Wow.
What a nice feeling. It’s unusual. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this. Since I was confident that my past wouldn’t rear its ugly head and ruin everything completely; that I could stuff my past away and not worry about it because even if there’s a flare-up, it’ll be temporary and manageable.
“Have I told you today that I love you?” I ask as I pull into my parking space.
Idaline looks over at me. “Maybe once or twice.”
“Not nearly enough.” I lean over to kiss her softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I can’t do it, damn it!” Frustrated, I toss my cup into the sink. “I’m not strong enough.”
Today is the big day. Sawyer is supposed to start daycare and I’m having some serious anxiety. We haven’t even left the house yet. The idea of leaving Sawyer in the hands of non-family members stresses me out with every second that passes.
“What were we thinking anyway? This is a stupid fucking idea. We can’t leave him in the hands of people who have no vested interest in keeping him alive.”
Idaline’s hand rests on my back. “FC, you’re freaking out. This will be good for Sawyer. He’ll make friends and interact with kids his age.”
My head falls. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
She steps away and a moment later a small hand touches my arm. “You have to do it for him. Let’s go.” Idaline then walks away with Sawyer. I follow her because with this stress, there’s no way my son is leaving my sight right now.
Idaline is my rock. She drives us there to allow me to sit in the back with Sawyer, who is thrilled to have company. When we arrive, the only reason I get out is because Idaline takes Sawyer out of his carseat and I follow along.
We meet the lady who gave us the tour of the daycare center, Mrs. Boulder. She smiles wide and radiates with energy.
“Mr. Hart! It’s so good to see you. This m
ust be little Sawyer. Are you excited about your first day?” she asks Sawyer, who completely ignores her, his eyes on all the little kids behind her.
“I’m not so sure about this,” I admit to her.
She smiles warmly at me. “First day jitters are completely normal. You’re welcome to stay for a few minutes with Sawyer and to do two five-minute video chats with us, but for Sawyer’s sake, we only recommend staying for a few minutes. We’ll keep you posted on anything serious, but your son is in good hands, Mr. Hart.”
“He won’t be staying,” Idaline answers, causing my head to snap over at her. She lands a firm gaze at me. “It will only be harder on you. He will obviously be fine.” Sawyer is wiggling like crazy in her arms, dying to get down and he’s two seconds away from crying in anger from being prevented. “Say goodbye.”
If it’s possible to hate Idaline, I do right now. Regardless, I kiss my son, tell him I love him, and then watch Mrs. Boulder take him away. Sawyer is tickled to death and fascinated to be around other kids. He watches at first, but a little boy walks up to him and hands him a block. His second friendship, if we count Kelsey as his first. My heart is all warm and fuzzy and ready to burst.
Idaline wraps her arms around my waist. “See? He’s having fun already.”
