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I lost myself and continue to lose a little more every day.
I’m buried between so many emotions that my only visible option is to shut them down and ignore them.
Without another word, I remove my hand from hers. Strength used to run through my veins, but not anymore. All I know how to do now is get tired and crash with weakness.
I’m weak.
I’ve always been weak.
Except when I was playing.
That life is gone now.
When I park my car, Olivia reaches over and touches my arm before I can get out. Her touch isn’t welcomed, and I shrug her hand off. There’s hurt in her eyes, but I can’t manage to say anything to her.
Her mouth parts. She doesn’t say anything at first. “I’ll wait here.”
In the car? The words have to push their way up in order for me to speak. “The waiting room has chairs too.”
“I’m okay here.”
Fine. She can stay in the car if she wants. I stick the key back in the ignition and crank the car, turning the heat up, so she won’t have to sit in the cold. Then, I leave her. My legs are both jittering up and down after I check in and sit down to wait. At least if she’d have come in, I could make small talk with her.
“Dr. Stewart’s current appointment is running over. It’ll be a few more minutes,” the receptionist tells me from behind the glass. There’s no one else in here, so I guess it’s okay that she said it from across the room.
One minute passes before I start to feel a little bad for how I treated Olivia. Shrugging away from her touch hurt her. Enough so that she decided to sit in the car instead of the waiting room. Another minute passes before I cave with guilt and text her to come sit with me in the waiting room.
Sixty more seconds go by before she walks through the door, my keys clutched in her hand. She sits down next to me, her hands in that damn hoodie of hers, her eyes focused on looking around the room, anywhere but me.
I don’t know what the hell happens to me, but I lay an arm around her shoulders and tuck her tense body against me, pressing my lips to her temple. “Sorry,” I murmur. For what? Everything? Anything? Whatever it may be, I had to apologize. It’s not her fault I’m fucked up in the head.
Olivia relaxes a little. “It’s okay. My see-into-your-soul radar wasn’t working right.”
A laugh easily comes after her words. “Well, I still feel bad that you’d rather sit in the car. It couldn’t have been
fun.”
She shrugs. “I was watching traffic pass by.”
“That proves my point.”
Olivia finally looks at me. “Not really. I like watching traffic. It’s like people watching, but a bit more variety and at a faster pace. I’ll show you how exciting it can be after this.”
“Only if it means I don’t have to do yoga tonight.”
She smiles. “I can deal with that.”
Our heads turn as someone walks out from the back and Dr. Stewart stands in the doorway. “Hey, Corey. Who’s this?”
Why does he think he can ask me that? Do I have to answer? When I make no move to do so, he puts one finger to his temple and mocks thinking.
“Hmm,” he exaggerates. “Let me guess. Could this be Olivia?”
Olivia sits upright and looks at me curiously. “You talked about me to him,” she states with a touch of pride.
“Don’t read anything into it,” I tell her. “Are you ready for me or what?” I direct to the doctor.
“Come on back. Will Olivia be joining us?”
