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“Emerson?”
I turn to see Eva, the sole reason for my questioning the distinctions with Kelly. The light I leave on in the kitchen shines behind her. It's just bright enough that I can see the confusion and hurt on her face. Guilt for talking to Kelly and for wanting to talk to h
er swallows me whole. Now, it's time to explain myself to Eva and hope I won't have to let her go.
WHEN I WOKE up and realized Emerson wasn't in bed, I didn't think much of it. I nearly fell back asleep. But then, he didn't come back and twenty minutes had passed. I got out of bed, only to find him talking softly on the phone, saying, “I miss you.” Then he said her name. Everything I've been fearing reared its ugly head. I'm confused, hurt, and hoping like hell I didn't catch the tail end of a reunion. While I knew it was a risk, I was really hoping I'd never have to face it.
The emotions on Emerson's face don't give me any hope. He looks so guilty. I can barely stand it, and my heart already hurts, the ache spreading in my chest painfully. I take a quick breath and push it aside for the moment.
“What are you doing?” I ask warily, eyeing the phone in his hand.
“Come here. There's something I need to tell you.”
Oh, God. This is it. He's about to break my heart. My feet seemingly move on their own accord. I go to sit next to him, but he pulls me to straddle his lap, confusing me even more.
“I want to be able to look directly at you and to touch you,” he explains. Emerson rests his hands on my hips, flexing his fingers as if to make sure I'm here. I expect him to ask me what all I heard. I expect him to apologize and break up with me immediately. Emerson does neither. “Do you remember how I said things didn't exactly end well between Kelly and me?”
“Yes. Are y'all trying to change that and fix things?” I don't think I can wait for him to explain without him first answering that question.
Emerson shakes his head. “Let me start at the beginning, okay?” His eyes search mine and I can see how desperately he wants me to listen. I nod. He takes a deep breath before beginning his story. “We were inseparable since we met in kindergarten. She was my best friend, always was. She was the person I went to before anyone else. We started dating when we were in high school.”
Even though he's looking at me, he seems far away. “She was my everything. I loved her,” he says simply. “God, I loved her so much. I just knew she was it for me, that we would spend our lives together. You couldn't have told me otherwise. Back then, my life, past, present, and future, revolved around Kelly. We were going to different colleges, but we planned our future together. Nothing was going to hold us back or keep us apart.
“And then, something changed a month before I was supposed to leave for college. Looking back, I can see it better now than I could then. During our last week together, she came to me and asked for a two-year long break. Kelly thought it would be good for us. We could see who we were without the other because we had been with each other for so long. We could grow up some more. She wanted us to see other people.
“We argued about it for days. I didn't want to do it. I didn't understand why, and I didn't see the point. But she wore me down, reminding me of how I always said I would do anything for her, and I agreed.”
Emerson seems to snap back to the present as he gently squeezes my hips. “For my first semester, I tried to talk to her. I tried to see her when I went home, but Kelly avoided me at all costs. My second semester, I decided I needed to do everything I told her I would. I started seeing other people and stopped trying to contact her. It was hard to do without it feeling wrong or without feeling guilty. It didn't matter that she'd told me to. It felt like I was cheating on her.
“Slowly, it got easier, but I was always biding my time until the two years was up. The end goal never changed. Then, I met you and started seeing you. I started thinking that maybe her break was really a break up. I've thought about telling you, but I didn't know how or what exactly I would say to you. Being with you,” Emerson shakes his head as if it's indescribable. “You make me happy, something no one has done for me since Kelly. I was finally moving forward and then she called me the other week.”
I gasp. I can't help it. This isn't the first phone call? My heart sinks some more. So, is he just telling me because I overheard? Did Glen know?
“I didn't talk to her but for a minute or two. You were having a bad day—”
“I was here?” I interrupt, my voice betraying me by raising an octave. My gut churns. I don't like where this is going. I had sex with him soon after that. Glen must not have known because he said he didn't know of anything new. Would I have still slept with him had I known she called him a few days earlier?
Emerson's eyes are sad as he nods. “You were in the shower. I got off the phone before you walked into the kitchen. She said she missed me and wanted to see how I was. I told her if she wanted to talk, she could call me back. She didn't until tonight.”
He stops to let that sink in. My mind has so many questions. His sigh that night, was it because he was thinking of her? I asked if everything was okay and he said yes. “You were thinking about her while we were lying on the couch, weren't you? That's why you sighed?”
Emerson nods. “I stopped after you asked if everything was okay. Remember when you said you thought how it ended with Kelly bothered me and I said it sometimes did? This is why. She left things so open ended.”
Why can't he just officially break things off with her? Why does she have all the power? I don't get to ask before Emerson continues.
“The only reason I didn't tell you sooner was because she didn't call back and there really wasn't anything to tell. We were friends first, so I thought maybe that's what it was, a friendly call. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I told her yes. We're not talking about getting back together, Eva. We caught up like old friends.”
I look at him, unsure about how I feel. He's finally talking to me about her and I'm wishing he hadn't. Stupid, I know. It's good he is, but it's doing nothing for my worries. Why is she suddenly talking to him now? She must want him back. They may not have talked about it this time, but that could be because he told her about me. What if she doesn't want to wait until their two years is up and she wants him now?
“Say something,” Emerson pleads, his eyes seeking answers in my own.
“Why didn't you call her back?” It's the first thing I can think of to say.
His fingers dig into my hips. “I wasn't going to call her back because I'm with you and it wouldn't have felt right. She hasn't tried to talk to me until now and the ball was in her court if she wanted to talk to me.”
It's like with every good thing he tells me, there's something following to counteract it.
“Do you want her?” I whisper, terrified of his answer.
