AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Because keeping my head buried in the sand is still the easier choice. Because I’ve pushed too much with how many of my stupid actions and choices he’s accepted from me. Because...because I’m always scared he’ll think less of me. That he’ll wake up one day and realize I’m not worth the effort.”
My heart raced. Nervous flutters erupted out of nowhere. I looked down at the ring and started twisting it around on my finger. I willed myself to calm down before my thoughts could tumble too far down the dark path.
Dr. Carr placed her notebook and pen on the side table then moved forward so she sat at the edge of her chair. “Calida, how long did Malcolm pursue this relationship with you?”
I shrugged. “I guess he’s wanted it from the beginning, once I—you know, but he really amped up things in the six months prior to everything starting with us.”
“So, he spent the last two years proving himself to you. Do you think there’s really anything you could tell him that would make him walk away?”
I returned my attention to the window to watch the cars and people below. “Dorian made me doubt myself. Paul, he capitalized on that and stripped away any self-respect I’d had. Then Seth came along just as I began to find my way, and he obliterated everything. Who I was. What I thought. How I felt. All of it depended on him. He got into my head. Into my soul. Till we were so intertwined that I questioned my sanity. He...did...horrible things to me. Soul shattering things, but then he’d be the one to comfort me. To make it all right again. And I’d let him.”
I paused and took a shaky breath. “Long before the tattoo. Long before Seth revealed his true self, part of me knew I should have walked away. And I did once.” I gave a bitter laugh as I thought back to the night with that stripper and the threesome he’d manipulated me into. “I walked away, but I couldn’t even stick to my own hard limits.”
I turned back to see Dr. Carr watching me. Listening. Paying attention to what I said instead of actively analyzing it as I said it. Taking slow steps, I returned to my chair.
“Malcolm sees me as a victim. But I know I carry responsibility for my role during the relationship with Seth. I know I’m going to sound like a contradiction, but while I don’t want Malcolm to view me like that, like a victim, at the same time...at the same time I don’t want him to know the depths of my stupidity.”
Dr. Carr started to speak, then stopped. She gave me a smile and began again. “Calida, does Malcolm tell you he loves you?”
I nodded.
“Do you believe him when he says it?”
I nodded again. “I’m starting to.”
“Do you think his love comes with conditions?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“All right. I want you to think about the worst thing you know about Malcolm. Think about what you would consider his most, in your words, stupid mistake. I don’t want you to tell me. You just need to think it over.”
It wasn’t hard to come up with something. Malcolm’s overdose easily popped into my head. For all the shit talking they do, Macy completely lost it when that happened. It was one of the few times in our friendship where I got to be the strong one, even though I was just as worried. The whole thing had been a major shock to us all. Malcolm didn’t do drugs. He wasn’t that kind of person. He certainly wouldn’t be the kind of person that would get so out of control that he’d OD. It’d been an accidental situation, but still, he’d put himself in that situation.
“No one is perfect. We’re all human, and we make mistakes. There are people that will hold your mistakes against you. You know that because you’ve unfortunately had a few of those people in your life. But there are also people who will accept you as you are. You look at yourself and see only your mistakes or bad judgements, but someone who cares sees more. They see you. You loved Seth despite everything you learned about him. Why is it so hard for you to imagine someone could love you the same way?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. My fingers ran across the symbol on the necklace. I looked down at the ring. A ghost smile pulled at my lips as I looked back up at Dr. Carr.
“Because it’s hard to imagine someone else loving you when you don’t love yourself.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I pulled into the garage at Mal’s house, I didn’t get out of the car right away. My session with Dr. Carr had been more open and honest than any of the previous ones. My insecurities ran deep and probably always would. No amount of therapy would change that. However, I couldn’t let them rule me.
The thumping of music could be heard before I even opened the door to the house. My presence went unnoticed as I stood at the kitchen island, watching Malcolm sing along to whatever rap song played. He didn’t miss a beat as he danced. His dreads swung freely in rhythm with the movements of his head. Goodness, he was sexy. Even when he wasn’t trying, it simply clung to him like a second skin. My gaze went to his ass, his thick, round, grabbable ass that filled out every pair of pants he wore as if they were made just for him.
I covered my mouth to suppress a laugh over my lusty thoughts. I didn’t want to disturb the moment between him and Shawn. I looked down at my little boy. He stood with his hands on the coffee table, attempting to sing along while bouncing up and down. He looked adorable in his attempt to mimic Mal’s movements.
Once the song ended, Mal walked over to turn down the stereo and gave Shawn a pound. When I started clapping, they looked over.
“That was a great performance.”
“How long have you been there?”
I went over to pick up Shawn, and gave him a big hug. “Just a minute or two. You guys are quite the act.”
“Hell yeah, we are. We have the looks and talent. We’re gonna be an unstoppable duo. Isn’t that right, buddy?” Malcolm reached forward and ruffled Shawn’s hair. He laughed in response.
“Can your budding career wait until the other half is at least potty trained?”
