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“The night you learned…” She stopped to clear her throat. She pressed her lips together, and did a slow blink, then looked up to face me. “I love Shawn. I do. I’m his mother.” Her fingers covered her lips as she took a stuttered breath. “There were times I couldn’t look at him be…because of how he came to be. So…so when you—he shouldn’t be punished for the sins of his father, Malcolm.”
I stepped to Ginger and wrapped my arms around her. I expected her to fight, or pull away, but she didn’t. She cried softly and I ran my hand up and down her back while I tried to process what she’d said.
Shawn didn’t just look like his father; he was reminder, a product of a terrifying and brutal attack. My idiotic statement and poor choice of words added to an apparent fear she had that we’d somehow treat him differently.
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
I closed my eyes and tightened my embrace. I wanted to take it all. Every ounce of pain and misery she’d had to endure. I held her willing myself to absorb it from her body and free her from it all.
She pulled away. “I just wanted to say my piece.”
She turned to walk off, and I reached for her arm. I expected her to pull away, she didn’t, but she also didn’t turn to look at me.
“Do I get to say mine?”
“What more is there to say, Malcolm? I’m forever changed because of my time with Seth. No amount of therapy is going to change me back. I’m physically and emotionally scarred. Tainted.” The last word she spoke was barely above a whisper.
I grimaced, hearing that word. That stupid, fucking word. “Stop. Okay? Just stop. That was a terrible choice of word on my part, but my dumb ass statement had nothing to do with you or Shawn.”
I turned her around, getting mild resistance, but she relented. I placed my hands on either side of Ginger’s face. With my thumbs I wiped the tears from her cheeks. I spoke slow and held eye contact knowing that these words were probably the most important ones I’d ever speak.
“Shawn is my son. DNA. Conception. None of that shit matters to me. What does matter is him. His mother. And the family we’ve created. Please believe that.”
“I want to. It’s part of why I came back.” She pulled free. “But it doesn’t matter. The truth is I am tainted. I am. I’ve used the very same word to describe myself. And we’re both forever linked to him. Something you don’t want in your house.”
I hated the way she stressed the word your.
Running my hands down my face, I tried to figure out the best way to dig myself out of this hole. “This place. This house is ours. It’s meant for us as a place to grow as a family and have a life together. I want to give you that. Me. Call me crazy, irrational, or whatever, but you using his money to pay for it diminishes that. That’s what I meant when I said I didn’t want him associated with it.”
Ginger looked at me. Skepticism still in her eyes. She remained in flight mode.
“It’s my money.”
“I know.”
“How is this place supposed to be ours if I’m not allowed to make any contributions to it?”
I took a tentative step forward, placing my hands on her hips. “Baby, you can and you have. Like I said, it’s not rational, and I’m sorry. I wish I could explain it better, but I can’t. I just need to do this. You are free to do whatever you want to this place, add anything your heart desires. I just want to pay for it. The house itself.”
“And the tainted part of your comment?”
“The two parts go hand in hand. That place you stayed in is marred with bad memories and unhappy times. Home should be your happy place, and he robbed you of that. It had nothing to do with you or Shawn.”
She uncrossed her arms, letting them relax by her side. “There’s going to come a time when the truth will need to be spoken. He’s going to wonder why he’s white with blue eyes and black hair yet the man he calls father is black with hazel eyes and brown hair. Meanwhile his mother is white with red hair and green eyes. Any children we have...he’s going to stand out.”
I slipped my fingers between hers, the tension in my body melted away when she closed hers around mine. “When that time comes, we’ll handle it. Together. I’m sorry for how the words came out. And for upsetting you. You shouldn’t ever have to doubt how I feel about you and Lil’ Man.”
“I don’t. Not really. I know you love me. Us.” She rested her hands on my chest. Her fingers played with my chest hair. “I’ve felt it, seen it. It’s the other reason I came back. When I looked at you…I thought after you said…I thought it’d be gone. The feelings you create when you look at me, but it wasn’t. I just—knee-jerk reaction. Easier to think, and prepare myself for the worst so to speak.” She glanced at me. “I’m still a work in progress.”
I pulled her closer, erasing the remaining space between our bodies. My hands circled her slender waist, and I said a silent thank you that she let me hold her. “We all are,” I said, pressing my lips to her forehead.
Ginger stretched up and wrapped her arms around my neck. The embrace felt different. She pressed her body to mine, her grip tight, almost desperate. Her entire demeanor had changed from just a few minutes prior. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, with her face buried in the side of my neck.
“For what?”
She shrugged and held on tighter. “Getting mad. Overreacting. Doubting you. Just being a generally emotional nut case.”
I ran my hand up and down her back. “Hey, now, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about.”
