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My heart rate increased. My hands tightened around the cold bottle in an attempt to keep them from shaking. Nothing could be done about my bouncing leg; it had a mind of its own.
I needed to move around.
I needed to field off the feeling of being caged in, like when I was with Dr. Carr and she started down a path I didn’t want to go. I headed into the kitchen, and sat my beer down on the island, then leaned against it for support.
I didn’t hear him get off the couch, but I watched as one of Malcolm’s hands covered mine. His lips pressed lightly to the side of my head.
“I don’t want to upset you, and I sure as hell don’t want to send you into another attack. Seeing you break down like that...you have a real knack for shaving years off my life.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood just a little.
“I love you, Ginger. I do, with every
fiber of my being...but you aren’t ready for me to. You’re hanging on to the past, him, whatever as some sort of strange security blanket. Everything you’ve done, or better yet, not done these last two years have proven that.”
I wanted to protest, to tell him he was wrong, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I was tired. Tired of pretending I was something I wasn’t. Silent tears flowed freely. Malcolm’s other hand came up to caress my face and wipe them away.
“I don’t know why you won’t let go, and I’m not gonna lie, the fact that you hang on, that you continue to live in the past, for whatever reason, pisses me off.” He paused, and let out a loud sigh. “But me being angry about the situation doesn’t do anything. You won’t let me in. I’m here for you. I love you, but none of that matters because you...won’t…let...me…in.” He gave my hand a light squeeze before moving away. He walked around the island, putting an actual barrier between us. Fitting really when I thought about it, I’d had an invisible one between us since day one.
I slid my beer bottle back and forth along the granite. The emotions I expected to feel—happiness, relief—were absent from the myriad of other feelings I had. “I want to.”
“What?”
“I want...I have let you in.”
“No, you haven’t. I thought you had, but you haven’t. It’s all been a lie. Just like you telling me you wanted to be with me, everything that I thought about…” He paused.
The struggle to keep his emotions in check radiated off him. The clench of his jaw. The exaggerated breathing. The sadness in his eyes. All clear signs of the damage I’d caused.
Dr. Carr had been right; my not being honest about how I felt didn’t do either of us any favors. I tried to think of something, anything to say, but my mind was empty. New tears leaked from my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Fuck, Ginger, I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to be fucking honest with me. Talk to me. That’s all I want. I’m here. I’ve been here trying, yet you insist on keeping me at arm’s length. I shouldn’t feel like I’m competing with a dead man, with that fucking man! It’s almost as if you won’t consider any other options because some messed up part of you is still in love with that bastard!”
Lump in my throat. I swallowed, but it remained. I massaged my chest. It hurt. I needed air. I stumbled away from the island back to the couch. “I...I need to go.”
Malcolm’s arms wrapped around me.
“Let go!” I fought against him. He released me.
“Calida, please just calm down first.”
I shook my head. The tears made my vision blurry, making it harder to locate my keys. I stomped toward the door. The walls closed in. Malcolm was on my heels, pleading with me to relax, and apologizing. My thumb pressed the unlock button in rapid succession. I needed in. I needed away. I scrambled inside, and locked the door behind me. The safety of my car. My hands squeezed the wheel, my head rested against it. Malcolm knocked at the window. Breathe. Just breathe.
I focused on getting air into my lungs, and tried to ignore Malcolm’s pleas, and the growing urge I had to vomit. Silence. Malcolm’s voice was gone. No more knocking on my window. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. The vice grip on my chest loosened. I could catch my breath. The uneasy feeling in my stomach remained, as did the jittering of my hands.
“You’ll always be mine, Ginger!” My head shot up. I looked around my car. Empty. My eyes met Malcolm’s. He stood on his porch watching me. The sight of him caused more fractures of my already splintered heart. He started down the steps. I cranked up my car. He stopped. I put it in reverse, forcing myself not to look back at him. I’m sorry.
Chapter 25
Calida
I walked into the house and headed straight for the bar. Reaching for the wine, I paused and grabbed the Scotch instead. I filled a tumbler and downed the bitter amber liquid in one gulp. It burned going down forcing me to cough. Once I recovered, I filled the glass again, downing the drink, ignoring the burn.
“I shouldn’t feel like I’m competing with a dead man, with that fucking man! It’s almost as if you won’t consider any other options because some messed up part of you is still in love with that bastard!” Mal’s words replayed over and over in my head.
“Some messed up part?” I asked with a sarcastic laugh. I refilled the glass, and gulped the liquor. He should have known by now that all of me was messed up.
I glanced up at the painting over the fireplace. My lady on the cliff. Hair blowing wild in the wind. Arms outstretched as she stood right on the cliff’s edge, ready to leave it all behind. Maybe she had the right idea, just let it all go, and fly away to a better place.
