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I massaged my temples. The aspirin weren’t doing much to alleviate the morning after headache. “No, not really. But something close. He basically told me he wasn’t going to allow me to continue saying no to being in a relationship with him. He took away my right to choose. He ignored everything I’d said to him, and he gave me this,” I said, holding up my hand and pointing to the ring. “As some sort of promise ring.”
“And your first reaction was to, what?” she asked, leaning back in her chair.
“To say no, of course,” I replied, mirroring her actions.
“But you said yes. Why?”
“Because…that’s what they all wanted me to say.”
“Is that the only reason?” she pressed.
I stood and walked over to the window. My fingers gingerly ran over my lips, again remembering the kiss Malcolm gave me yesterday. I’d felt something. I’d enjoyed it, but I was also scared. However, I wasn’t sure if I was scared of him or if I was scared of the feelings he’d stirred up.
“He kissed me,” I said, still staring out the window. “No warning. He just did it.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Scared, nervous, excited, confused, angry. Take your pick.” I returned to my seat, and buried my face in my hands. “Everyone was there, looking at me, expecting me to be happy about this, so I caved. People-pleaser to my core, I guess,” I said with a humorless laugh.
Dr. Carr leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knee. “Calida, I believe in letting my patients set the pacing of therapy based on their needs. You tell me what your problems and goals are, and I try to act as a guide to help you overcome those problems and achieve those goals. But…I can only help you if you want to be helped.”
I frowned in her direction. “Of course I want to be helped. I wouldn’t keep coming here and paying you two-hundred an hour if I didn’t.”
“Okay. Well, I know the relationship you had with Seth was abusive, both mentally, and physically at times. But, I get the distinct feeling that although you’ve told me some of what went on, you haven’t told me everything. And whatever you’re holding back is what is also keeping you from being open to the idea of being in a relationship. Whether it’s with Malcolm or anyone.”
Dr. Carr sat back in her chair and gave me her “I see through you” look. Again, she was trying to know more about my relationship with Seth. What I’d told her was sufficient. I’d had two serious relationships with men that hurt me. That alone was enough to support my reason for not wanting to try again, but she didn’t see it that way. No one saw it that way. I was in the minority on what I thought was best for me. Intimacy, sex, both of those came with relationships, and both were something I wanted to avoid. However, I couldn’t tell Dr. Carr that, because she’d want to know why, and some demons I’d rather not talk about.
I rose from my seat. “Thanks for fitting me in last minute.”
She mirrored my actions. “I always keep one or two slots open in my day in case of an emergency.”
“I’ll see you next week.” I grabbed my purse and headed toward the door.
“Calida.”
I turned to look at her.
“For the record, he didn’t take away your right to choose. You allowed the choice to be made by not saying how you really felt.”
I gave a small nod and exited the office, and waved bye to her receptionist, before heading to the ladies room. I rushed into the nearest stall, and leaned my back against the closed door. Deep breath in, slow breath out. In. Out. I massaged my temples and tried to let the silence of the restroom seep into me and bring some peace.
Why was the success of my life, of my recovery, measured by whether or not I was in a relationship? I was here, continuing to live each day. I hadn’t given in to those suicidal thoughts that had once plagued me. Why wasn’t my success measured by that? Because no one knew about those thoughts. Malcolm did take away my choice. He knew having our families there would put me on the spot. Regardless of what Dr. Carr thought, he’d taken advantage.
As I lightly banged the back of my head against the stall door, the nagging acknowledgment that Dr. Carr was right wormed its way in. I had let him take advantage. But what was I supposed to do? Tell him I rather be an old maid the rest of my life than risk my heart and body again? That would have opened up a whole other can of worms. The buzzing sound of my phone vibrating distracted me before I could start down that self-destructive path. Malcolm’s name flashed across the screen. I squeezed my eyes together, trying to will away the persistent dull ache in my head. I thought about sending it to voicemail, but I took a breath and put on my happy face before answering.
“Hey, Mal.”
“Hey, whatcha up to? I’ve been trying to call you.”
“Oh, sorry. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn’t hear it. Did you need something?”
“Yeah, I wanted to know what time you wanted to see the house.”
“House?”
“You said you’d take a tour.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear as I let out a muffled groan. “Oh, right. Um, whenever’s good.”
