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“Come on, Lee. We didn’t get to talk much at dinner. And Sunday, between my folks and Mitch, I didn’t get a chance to call. I figured you’d be busy yesterday, so I waited till today.”
Shawn crawled away, abandoning the puzzle in favor of Legos. “Macy, what are you talking about?”
“Lunch with my parents. They said they were meeting up with Malcolm before they headed back.”
Ah, now I understood why she started the conversation like that. “No. I, um, I didn’t have lunch with them.”
I didn’t even know about a lunch. Then again, how could I since I’d been avoiding talking to him.
“Huh...okay what’s the deal? Mitch has been telling me to stay out of it, but something is going on.”
I moved over and started helping Shawn stack the chunky plastic blocks, buying myself time. She was on Malcolm’s case at dinner, and he took it instead of simply telling her I flaked out on him.
“Lee?”
“Mace, it’s nothing. And before you ask, no, he didn’t do anything.”
“I didn’t imagine the tension between you two.”
“Macy—”
“No, Lee. Listen, I was a terrible friend to you...” She paused, and it sounded as if she was getting emotional on the other end. “While I would love to be able to officially call you sister, what I want more is for you to be happy. Really happy. But I don’t know...I am just getting this vibe that you aren’t.”
“Macy, you were never a terrible friend. We’ve been over that, water under the bridge and all as the saying goes.” I tried to keep my voice light, willing myself to not take that trip down memory lane. “And it’s not that I’m unhappy...it’s complicated. But we’re working through it.”
She sniffed. I was right; she was getting emotional. “I know, but I just...if he’s being a dick, kick him in his. Hard.” She laughed.
“He’s not. And please, please stop giving him a hard time over me. Please.”
“If not you, it’ll be something else.”
I shook my head. Macy may have been the youngest and only girl, but she tried to mother all of her brothers, keeping them in line on how she thought they should act.
“Then let it be something else. Anything else but me,” I pleaded with her.
“Fine, but if he hurts you—”
“He won’t.”
After we hung up, guilt covered me like a fifty pound leaded blanket. The last thing I wanted to happen was exactly what was taking place. Malcolm had become the villain in this situation when it was all my fault.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday night, I’d had Shawn sleep with me. I didn’t want to be alone. I’d stroked his dark curls and held onto his tiny hand, waiting for sleep to come. It didn’t. Instead, my mind had raced as it tried to figure out exactly what I’d told Malcolm. I’d laid in the dark, listening to the soft breathing of my little boy, wondering how many of my secrets had been revealed.
It had been all I could think about Tuesday night too. I couldn’t handle it. I’d spent that night with a bottle of wine, sitting in the hall in front of Shawn’s room until the voice was silenced. I could barely function Wednesday morning when he’d woken up. So, that night, I kept him with me, wanting a better outcome. It wasn’t working. The longer I laid there, the more the pressure in my head mounted. That feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin increased tenfold. Every part of me tainted—inside and out. The fear of the unknown slithered around me.
I covered my mouth, muffling a strangled sob. Did Malcolm know Shawn was conceived through the most brutal attack Seth had ever unleashed on me? Pain squeezed my chest. I didn’t want anyone to know that. I didn’t want Shawn to know. And if others did, they would treat him differently.
I’d treated him differently in the beginning, looking at him and only seeing his father. I’d worked hard to forget for my son’s sake. I’d needed to forget, and for a while I’d been able to bury those memories. Push them out of my mind and move on. I loved him. Despite how he was conceived, I loved him, and no one needed to know his beginning. Especially my parents, who were in the house when it happened. That knowledge would kill them.
None of this was supposed to happen. How had I lost control? Did I ever really have control?
I rolled over, curled myself into a ball, and buried my face in a pillow. My body shook as uncontrollable sobs took over. My house of cards had collapsed.
Chapter 30
Calida
