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That was way too perceptive for comfort or for Newman’s safety. The last thing I wanted him to do was try to talk to Olaf for me. “Like you said, Newman, I handled it.”
“I’d say you could handle yourself with any man on the planet, but . . . Jeffries is a scary motherfucker.”
It made me laugh. I wasn’t sure why.
“Why was that funny?” Newman asked.
“I think I’ve just never heard you cuss,” I said.
“I was a cop for four years before I became a marshal. Not much spooks me, but Jeffries does.”
“I’m glad, Newman. I’m glad you understand he’s scary. Whatever else we say here and now, I want one thing clear between us: Under no circumstances do you play white knight and talk to Otto for me. One, it will undermine me in his eyes, and I can’t afford to look weak to him. Two, I’m not sure what he’d do to you if he thought you were somehow in his way.”
“If it was anyone else but you and him, yeah, I’d be having a man-to-man talk with him about professional conduct,” Newman said.
“But it’s him and me,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. He rolled his hands over the cool plastic smoothness of the steering wheel and watched them move as if it were important. I think he was just giving himself time to think. I sat in silence and let him gather his thoughts. “I really thought you would have been louder in the restaurant if anyone touched you like that.”
“If it had been almost anyone else on the planet, I’d have probably dumped my water in their lap or made a scene at the table, but I don’t want to humiliate Otto. I don’t want to back him into that kind of corner ever.”
Newman gave a little shiver, settling his shoulders deeper into his jacket. “Please don’t, because I’d feel like I had to protect you, and I really don’t want to fight him.”
“I already covered this, Newman. Under no circumstances are you to try to protect me from Otto.” There was a hard-tight feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of Newman being all gallant on my behalf with Olaf. I did not want Newman dying to protect my honor. If anyone was going to do that, I would do it myself.
“Are you telling me that if he gets out of hand with you, you want me to just leave the two of you alone? I know you’re tough, Blake, one of the toughest people I know, but . . . I couldn’t leave you alone with him if I thought he might . . . hurt you.”
“I appreciate that, Newman. I truly do. But I don’t want you getting hurt or worse because you stepped into Otto’s crush on me.”
“Is that what it is, a crush? That sounds like you’re in junior high, and he wants to ask you out to the school dance. Whatever Jeffries wants with you, it’s nothing that innocent.”
Newman looked at me, and there was something in his brown eyes that was part pain, part knowledge of really bad things. He might not have seen everything I’d seen, but he’d seen his share. It was there in his eyes, raw. He was either honoring me by letting me see it, or he couldn’t hide it in that moment. Either way, I’d treat it like the important thing it was. You don’t parade your pain for just anyone in our line of work.
“You’re right. It’s not.” Then I told him the lie that Edward had created to keep me safe from Olaf.
“So Forrester isn’t your boyfriend?”
“No, but we let Otto think he is, because he respects Ted. Most of the cops that notice this whole dynamic, we let them think what they want to think about Ted and me, because we can’t risk them telling the truth to Otto. If he ever finds out that Ted and I lied to him about being lovers, I don’t know what he’ll do, and I don’t want to find out.”
“Why can’t you just say no and make it stick?” Newman asked.
It was a great question, and I didn’t know how to answer it without telling Olaf’s secret. It would be like giving away the secret identity of the Joker, if he had one. I’d have been okay with that, except Olaf, like any good villain, had made it clear that if his secret identity went up in flames, he’d make sure Edward’s did, too. Burning Olaf was one thing. Destroying Edward’s life with Donna and the kids was something else entirely.
“It’s complicated,” I finally said, and even to me, my words sounded lame.
“You’ve said no, haven’t you?” he asked.
“I have.”
“I really thought if any woman alive could make her ‘no’ stick, it would be you.”
“So did I.” Put that way, I hated it even more. I hated that Olaf was manipulating me into dating him, or at least manipulating me into manipulating him into thinking I’d date him.
“What aren’t you telling me, Blake?” And again, Newman was too perceptive for comfort.
“Okay, I’ll be as blunt with you as I can be. I don’t want to have to kill Otto just to keep him from wanting to date me.”
“Do you think it will come to that, seriously?”
