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He takes a single step toward me and I take one back, trying to distance myself from him. His eyes still look bloodshot from the night before; either it was the liquor, or he hasn’t been sleeping. I can’t recall when he got this bad, and it’s scaring the shit out of me.
For my step back, he matches with another step forward and suddenly I’m against the wall with nowhere to go. He reeks of liquor and smells like he hasn’t bathed in a few days.
“You aren’t going anywhere, Raegan, do you hear me? You aren’t leaving.” He’s screaming in my ears and I wince, trying to keep my composure and my guard up.
Before I know it, I’m lying on the ground and I feel his foot jab into my ribs, hard. Something cracks, and I curl up in pain, trying not to let him see me cry, but it’s hard as hell to stop the tears from flowing.
He mumbles something then disappears from view. Is he gone? God I hope so. I can feel my phone going off in my pocket and I manage to pull it out. My body feels like a thousand sharp knives are piercing it. James has texted to ask if I was on my way. I can’t even type out an answer because my hands are shaking too much. Right now I wish I were dead because it would sure as hell feel a lot better than this.
After almost five minutes of crying and just sitting there, I try to get up. I sink back down to my knees clinching my stomach for dear life. My God, it hurts to breathe. I’m sobbing and I can’t stop.
James sends another text saying he’s starting to worry about me. I don’t need him showing up here; that would ruin everything. I manage to text back.
Sorry, I’m running behind. On my way.
Once I manage to get back on my feet, I have to grip the wall to keep from falling back down. With every breath I take, the pain slices through my body. I manage to get to the medicine cabinet. Other than the pain from my ribs, my head is now throbbing as if someone struck it with a hammer. Lying there on the counter is the picture of Mom from a few days ago. Quickly I scoop it up, folding it in half to put in my pocket. I wish I knew her. I wish I could hug her. After a couple of ibuprofen later and a glass of water, I bolt out the door as quick as my legs can carry me and sit in my truck.
Tears aren’t real anymore, or they didn’t seem to be. I am so numb from everything and the pain is so unreal, I can’t react anymore. The ibuprofen takes a small fraction of the pain away but doesn’t really put a dent in it.
The smart Raegan should have gone to the hospital and had it looked at to be safe, but this Raegan is terrified and just wants to get away from it all. Strategically I place the picture of Mom on my dashboard. She is smiling at me, telling me everything is going to be all right. As I pull up at James’s house, I pray he won’t be waiting outside for me. But there he is grinning, until he sees my tear-stained face.
I never thought to stop in the parking lot and fix my face because of the pain inside me. My red, splotchy skin is the least of my worries when I’m trying hard as hell to breathe and not have it hurt.
Just think of Mom, everything is going to be okay.
Before I can think straight, my truck door swings open and James stands there, looking frantic, trying to figure out why I’ve been crying. I’m terrified to move because I’m worried I’ll fall.
“Raegan, what’s wrong, baby?” His brown eyes are full of concern as I fight my tears back.
“Just had a rough morning. Probably hormones. I’m fine.” I wince, trying to not let him see something is wrong as the pain lances through me.
He lightly kisses my head. “Come inside, I have the website pulled up for the furniture store so we can get an idea of what we want and the prices before we go. I don’t want this to take long, I know you have your kickboxing this afternoon.” He reaches his hand out to me and confidently I take it. I can do this. Stepping out of the truck is my first mistake and the pain does what I fear the most, my legs buckle from under me and I cry out as I fall.
“Holy shit, Raegan, are you all right?” James scoops me into his arms with the hurt rib against his chest. I want so badly to cry out but hold it in.
As he lays me on his bed, I finally have the breath to be able to answer him. “I’m ok James.”
“If you’re okay, then what the hell was that Raegan? I’m freaking out here. Your legs just gave out under you. If I hadn’t been there, you could have hurt yourself.”
He positions himself next to me, wrapping his arms around my stomach out of habit. As soon as his hand hits the spot, I practically fly a few feet off the bed. A stray tear escapes and James eyes me more suspiciously. Crap. I tried my best to hide it, but it’s not working.
James grabs the hem of my shirt before I can try to stop him and pulls it up to reveal a bruise over my ribcage. “What the fuck, Raegan? What happened?”
Ashamed, I throw my hands over my face and pray to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here with him finding out. Ignoring him seems to be the easiest thing I can come up with, and I try like hell until he lets out an agitated sigh. I can’t blame him; at least he cares about me.
“It was just an accident, I’m fine.”
“What happened, Raegan?” He’s persistent, but I’m up for an argument right now. For some reason, I feel the need to stand my ground as long as possible.
Except, the ground falls from under me when I burst out in ugly sobs. As I cry uncontrollably, he cradles my head in his lap. I close my eyes and let the whole world go black for a split second trying to find the right words to explain it. There are no right words to say. I mean, how do you just come right out and say, my dad won’t stop abusing me and I have no idea what to do about it?
“James, I, I don’t know what happened.”
“Baby, what do you mean you don’t know what happened?”
I draw in a deep breath. “I, I, I don’t know why he’s still do-o-o-ing this to me. Wh-hat did I do?”
I glance up at him, ashamed. What if he’s pissed at me? Who could blame him? He was livid the first time this happened but I assured him it wasn’t going to happen again. He isn’t mad though. Tears glisten in his eyes and I hate that he’s crying because of me.
