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Of course. I understood. I was trying to do exactly what she didn't want to do: close the door on the past, shut out the darkness, almost re-create myself. I had so few wonderful memories to cherish, few reasons to hold on to my old world.
She had every reason to hold on to the only happiness she had ever known,
"Yes," I said reluctantly.
"Do you mean that, or do you believe I am guilty- of funny fantasy? Are you going to diagnose me with some mental malady and tell me I am only hurting myself?" she asked with a wry smile.
"No, Mother. Psychiatrists don't want you to put away your dreams. Your fantasies serve an important purpose. I wouldn't want anyone to be unable to imagine and dream. It's only when the fantasies take over your life, control it, that the psychiatrists become concerned," I said.
"I suppose my dream has taken over my life, has for some time now, but forgive me for wanting that and not wanting to come back to this," she said, gesturing toward the main house and the extravagant and opulent property that was representative of the kingly wealth of the people of Palm Beach. All the beauty here, all the luxury, can't replace what I have lost or perhaps refuse to lose." She smiled. 'Did you know that your father often read poetry to me?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I can't recall seeing him read anything but his scientific journals or books by well-known doctors in his field."
"Yes, he relied on literature often. He said he often found deep and complex ideas expressed simply and far more beautifully in poetry. When we parted, he quoted Dante Gabriel Rossetti and said. 'Beauty without the beloved is like a sword through the heart.' It was his way of telling me that once we parted, his life would be far less satisfying and he would never appreciate anything as much as he had with me. The same was true far me. only I didn't express it as well.
. "In my way. I have kept him beside me all these years. To turn from that now, to start a new life with a new face and an entirely different pair of eyes... well, it would not leave me with as much satisfaction as you hope.
I didn't know I was crying until the tears actually tickled my chin.
"I'll be fine." she said, wiping them away and then kissing my forehead. As long as you do what you are capable of doing and you find happiness. Willow. Please don't let me hold you back or be a reason for you not to achieve it all. Please, go on and burn your way through without me dragging behind you."
"You could never be a drag for me. Mother."
"I know. But I would feel that way if you worried too much about me. I wouldn't be
comfortable, and that would hinder you and even Linden," she said, looking toward the beach.
"Where is he?"
She sighed and shook her head sadly.
-He's out there, trying to paint something. He's calmer now His medicine kicked in, I suppose.
I took a deep breath. It was hard for her. It might always be hard for her. I thought.
"Go on. Don't miss your appointment. Come back looking like a trust baby," she said, and we both laughed. Many of the rich young people here and even the older ones lived entirely off the fortunes their parents and grandparents had accumulated and were known as trust babies,
"We can still have lunch together,' I suggested. She shook her head.
"I've prepared egg salad for Linden. Even tho
ugh it's one of his favorite foods for lunch, he won't eat if I don't hover over him."
All right, Then I'll have lunch with you here first."
She scrunched up her face and pressed her lips together as she shook her head, looking like someone in pain.
"I don't want to hold you back from doing things. Willow. That would be so wrong."
"You're not. I haven't made any friends here yet. and I am not fond of eating alone," I said. "I'll go find Linden and tell him we're having lunch:'
"Okay," she said. -I'll set the table on the loggia."
"Fine," I told her, and went down the beach to search for Linden.
I found him sitting in one of his usual places, staring out at the sea. He sat at the foot of his easel and looked like someone in meditation, As I approached. I glanced at his canvas and saw it was still blank.
"Hi, Linden," I said. He didn't turn to me. "Mother sent me to fetch you. It's time for lunch and she's made the egg salad you love."
