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“That’s not small talk,” snapped Momma irritably. “Really, Audrina, we’ve told you all you need to know about your sister’s accident in the woods. And remember, she would still be alive if she’d learned to obey the orders we gave her. I hope you will always keep that in mind when next you feel stubborn or rebellious and think being disobedient is a good way to get back at your parents, who try to do the best they can.”
“Was the First Audrina hard to handle?” I asked with some hope of hearing she was less than perfect.
“Enough is enough,” Momma said more gently. “Just remember, the woods are off limits.”
“But Vera goes into the woods …”
Vera had risen and was standing behind the sofa, smiling at my mother in a knowing way that told me she knew the cause of my older sister’s death. Oh, oh, now, suddenly, I wished she hadn’t overheard Momma’s warning, for that gave Vera another weapon to use against me.
From the way the party died after that, it seemed I was never going to be a social success. Aunt Ellsbeth put the photograph away. Vera hobbled up to her room, carrying one part of that naked man with her, and I sat on alone in the Roman Revival room, realizing I couldn’t ask direct questions and expect an answer. I had to learn how to be sneaky, like everyone else, or I would never know anything, not even the time of day.
Valentine’s Day came that very week, and Vera limped home from school with a paper sack full of valentines from all her boyfriends. She came into my bedroom with a huge red satin heart that opened to reveal a delicious array of chocolates. “From the boy who loves me most,” she said to me arrogantly, snatching the box away without offering me even one piece. “He’s going to take me away from here one day, and marry me, too. It’s in his eyes, his marvelous amber eyes. Soon he’s going to move—well, never mind where he’s going to move, but he loves me. I know he loves me …”
“How old did you say he was?”
“What difference does that make?” She sat on my bed and dipped into the candy box again, eyeing me in a funny way. “I can be ten, twelve, fourteen, sixteen, any age. For I have caught the magic of the First Audrina, the Best and Most Perfect, Most Beautiful Audrina. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest Audrina of all, and the mirror says, you are, Vera, you are.”
“You sound crazy,” I said, backing away from her. “And you can’t catch a gift that’s meant only for girls with my name. Papa told me that.”
“Oh, Papa would tell you anything, and you’d be stupid enough to believe. I’m never going to be that dumb. My mother was stupid enough to let some sweet-talking guy talk her into his bed, but that’s not going to happen to me. When the seducing is done, it will be me who does it. And I know how. That medical book is teaching me all I need to know. Those stupid sex courses they teach in school don’t give enough facts.”
Soon all the chocolates were gone, and when they were, Vera gave me the empty red-satin heart. For some reason that red heart touched me. How nice of that boy to give Vera candy. I hadn’t known Vera could inspire love in anyone, not when she couldn’t inspire it even in her own mother.
Lions and Lambs
One day I heard the special-delivery man say to Momma, “Isn’t this a lovely spring day?” or else I might not have known it was spring from the cold way it was. The trees hadn’t budded out yet, and birds weren’t singing. I rejoiced to know the season, if not the month, but I was too ashamed to try and ask what month it was and have people look at me with pity. It wasn’t special to not know anything about the passing of time—it was crazy. Maybe that was why they were ashamed to tell me why the First Audrina had died. Maybe she’d been crazy, too.
Daring his scorn, I ran after the deliveryman and asked my silly question. “Why, it’s the month of March, girl, come in like a lion. And soon it will go out like a lamb.”
It was cold, the wind was wild, and that I could easily associate with a lion. The next day I woke up and the sun was out, squirrels and rabbits were gamboling on our lawn and all was right with the world, according to Papa and according to Momma.
Dinner ended the next night with Papa bellowing at Vera, “Get out of the kitchen! I’ve been hearing tales about your getting caught cutting out dirty pictures in the drugstore. Any girl who’s stealing like that has already proved there’s fire beneath the smoke!”
“I didn’t do anything, Papa!” Vera sobbed.
Later, in my room, she hurled at me, “God cursed me with fragile bones and you with a fragile brain, but between the two, I got the best deal.” But then she was crying. “Papa doesn’t love me like he loves you … I hate you, Audrina, really hate you.”
I was baffled. I was Papa’s child, naturally he loved me best. I tried to tell her this. “Oh, you,” she screamed. “What do you know about anything? You’re spoiled and pampered and babied like you’re too good for the world … but in the end it will be me who comes out on top. You just wait and see!”
Decided on a course of action, I went to Papa, who seemed terribly excited about something. He paced the floor of the Roman Revival Salon, glancing from time to time at his wristwatch. But he wouldn’t let me look when I tried to. “What do you want, Audrina?” he asked impatiently.
“I want to talk about Vera, Papa.”
“I don’t want to talk about Vera, Audrina.”
I drew back. “Even if she’s not your daughter, you shouldn’t be so mean to her.”
“What’s she been telling you?” he asked suspiciously. “Has she been trying to explain why you have that dream?”
My eyes widened. I’d never told Vera about my worst nightmare. He was the only one who knew about my troubled dreams. I was sure he didn’t want Momma to worry about them, too. And that dream was my curse and my shame; never would I tell Vera. My head moved from side to side as I kept backing away.
“Why are you acting afraid of your own father? Has that girl been filling your head with foul tales?”
“No, Papa.”
“Don’t lie to me, girl. I can tell when you lie, your eyes betray you.”
The mean, uncaring mood he was in made me turn and run. I bumped into things like armed coat racks and umbrella stands and finally fell into a corner, where I stayed just to catch my breath. That’s when I heard my aunt coming down the hall with my father at her side. “I don’t care what you say, Ellie, I am doing the best I can to cure her. I am also doing the best I can for Vera, and that’s not easy. God, why didn’t you give birth to a child like my Audrina?”
