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“Did I tell you the guy I’ve been seeing, Ryan, has a cock piercing?” Dakota said. “I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it.”
“That just seems arrogant to me,” Isla said. “Like that his dick is so awesome it needs jewelry.”
“Right?” Dakota shook her head. “It’s supposed to be for added stimulation but I don’t know. It feels like a Hail Mary pass in the fourth quarter.”
They had turned the conversation and I felt monstrously disappointed. “Stop talking about dicks!”
All four of my friends eyed me like I had lost my shit. Which, I guess I had.
“I thought you just got some sex,” Dakota said. “Why do you sound so angry? You should be relaxed.”
I wouldn’t have put it that way, exactly, but they were totally missing the point.
“Because I was trying to tell you something and you turned the subject to penis piercings.” I stuck my hand out, displaying the ring. “This is not a consignment ring. This isn’t for work. I am engaged to be married to Michael.”
“Who the hell is Michael?” Dakota asked, tossing her blond hair back.
I wanted to do a facepalm.
“What?” Savannah screeched.
I mean, it was an actual screech. They probably heard her in New Jersey.
“I thought you just met him the other day,” Leah said, sounding bewildered. “He was the group text guy, right? The one who had your iPad?”
I nodded. “Yes, I just met him in person a few days ago, but we had talked online for several weeks back in October.” I made a face. “And then when he reached out to me about his wife’s clothing, I responded in a DM as me.”
“Wait a minute.” Savannah gaped at me. “This just happened? I have a boyfriend, I can’t have a profile on a dating app.”
I’d given her the wrong impression. “Oh, don’t worry, you don’t! I deleted it ages ago. I messaged him directly. And I confessed immediately to Michael. Like, literally within five minutes of being in his flat. So he knows it was never you, but me the entire time.”
“Okay, good, because that would have been fucked up.”
“All of this is fucked up,” was Isla’s opinion. “What are you doing, Felicia?”
“Getting married?” I asked, trying to figure out what was the right tone. Playful? Crazy in love? Neither seemed very me.
“No, no one is getting married,” Isla said. “Wrong answer. You can fuck him, you can date him, but you are not marrying him. Not now anyway. Talk to me about it in a year.”
Exactly. “That’s the plan. I have no intention of marrying him tomorrow.”
Everyone seemed to give a collective sigh of relief.
Dakota shook her head. “Girl, you had me scared there for a minute.”
“I am moving in with him though.”
Savannah choked on her iced tea. “What?”
“That is not happening,” Isla said.
I went into defensive mode, because really, hold on a second. They had some nerve judging my fake engagement. “Leah met Grant in October and she just moved in with him. That’s two months.”
“She knew him before that,” Isla said.
“No, she didn’t! He was a diner customer she waited on. She didn’t know him.”
“She has a point,” Savannah conceded. “And Mad is already living with me, too.”
